A
female
age
30-35,
*bsessedwithhimnumber21
writes:Hey. I'm a common 18 year old girl that has been plunged into the depths of lovesickness! I'm in desperate need of love advice - so please help me if you can!Here's my question...Ever since I was 7, I've really REALLY liked this guy that was 4 years older than me (I.e. at the time he was 11, now he's 22). But the thing is, even at just the very young, immature age of 7, my crush towards the 11 year old boy (called Matthew) was not a normal attraction, but more an intense bond which left me feeling insecure and uncertain around him - at the age of 7. Unlike most crushes, I wanted to avoid him, due to the insecurity my love brought on. This made me feel abnormal - if I liked him really this much, surely I would be just desperate to see him all the time? Anyhow, it didn’t really matter what I thought. As both my family and his family were Christians at the time and attended the same Church, our parents were very good friends and met frequently (almost every week or more so). Henceforth, due to the strong bond between our parents, I had to see him every week. I had to go out with him (in the prescence of his family andmy family) and experience extreme uncertaincy. I can't quite explain how I felt. It was almost like a sense of fear - that if I revealed my love to Matthew, the perfect fantasy I possessed of us being together would be destroyed. Quite frankly I was also petrified of being rejected, and could never adapt to the idea that Matthew was too old for me, and not a perfect match at all. But I knew differently. I knew he was the one for me. I would think about him all day – every day, and eventually became so obsessed (after a few years of the crush – now aged 10) that I made silly links between me and him. For example, as my name is Stephanie and his name is Matthew, I’d made silly connections like M and S (Marks and Spencers – Matthew and Stephanie). I knew what I was doing was pathetic. But I couldn’t stop. I eventually confided in my mother after many years of discomfort - who told me I was being immature, and should focus/concentrate my love on somebody of my own age and interests. But it was no use. No matter how much I tried I couldn't destroy the intensity of my emotions to Matthew - nor gain the courage to confide in him. And it only got worse… One day my family and I had been invited to Matthew’s house for a normal social event – a usual Sunday tea. Once again I was beside myself – half happy that I would be able to see Matthew again, but half anxious of what would become. I remember that day – sweating in the car, and thinking up plans of how I could pretend to faint, in order to get myself out of any of the possible awkward, embarrassing situations involving Matthew and my “secret” crush. After a long and very clammy car journey my family finally arrived at Matthew’s house. Up to this point, Matthew had shown a normal friendly attitude towards me, but by no means a return of the love I had showed him… or hidden from him. But today was different. It seemed Matthew had caught up with my stride, and was starting to show me some love. Of course, you may think this is the perfect happy ending to the story –and me and Matthew will be together, ending my insecurity, and ending the tale. This is were you are wrong. Very wrong indeed. The excitement all began when Matthew asked me up to his bedroom. With long, blonde, straight hair – Matthew is a great fan of hair straighteners; and so forth offered to straighten my hair for me. Of course, I was half exhilarated (my one and only crush had just offered to fiddle with my hair) but for some unfathomable, annoying reason… embarrassed. I said yes, of course. But shyly. And from this point onwards, my unsual funny, bubbly personality died down to a quiet, mousy voice. I would always say yes, but in a quiet, uninterested way. Almost as though I was actually uninterested in Matthew – which is perhaps what led him astray. The wierdest thing is I was interested. I was madly interested – madly in love at such a young age. But I couldn’t help myself – I simmered down to the size of a mouse and could never relax in his prescence no matter how gentle Matthew tried to be. He’d speak to me softly and play with my hair – but I’d either not retailiate, say/do something stupid or push him away. He once tried to kiss me, he would brush past me and try to touch my skin at any possible moment. He always brought me into his room away from everyone else and looked deep into my eyes. He would make sexual contact too, and push me onto his lap – but he was no pervert. He’d always be gentle. He’d always hug. I longed to hug him back. I loved his cuddles – but I hated them too. I loved and hated his smell, his prescence, his touch. I can’t describe how I felt. All I know is that it was very awkward/embarrassing – and that I made myself look like a plonker. Everytime I went round I would do something so stupid! I would even reject him. Perhaps it was embarrassement that led me to make such a fool out of myself – but I regret every second of it. If I could turn back the clock – I would.Not only did I act like an idiot, pretend I couldn’t hug and generally embody a fool – I also rejected him a couple of times for reasons I still cannot understand now. Once, out of sweetnesss, Matthew played the classic song “You Raise Me Up” on the piano to me and sang along with it (he’s got a heavenly voice) and then asked me to sing back to him. Guess what I said? “Sorry, Matt. I’ve got a cold!”. How pathetic! Now I would long for him to sing such a romantic song to me, and to return the favour would be a once in a lifetime chance. Why the hell was I so stupid? I don’t know.The worst of these experiences was when Matthew had arranged for a family member to ask me out on a date. Ever since I was a child I had been longing for this moment – but the response I gave was pathetic. It happened to be New Year’s Eve – and my family and I had been invited around Matthew’s house for a party. Both Matthew and I love Indian food (we have much in common, as we both discovered during this period) – so the family had prepared a cultured buffet. Just as Matthew had planned it – his father got talking to me about Indian food and restaurants, as Matthew left the room (pretending to get a drink). Just as I had desired, his father said “You should go on a date with Matt – go get a curry. What do you say? Matt would love it”. There was an awkward silence. The poor boy must have been shivering outside, hiding from view, trying to act cool. And I should of understood – as I know how it feels. But no. Guess what I said. I had to go and break the poor boy’s heart. “NO! NO! NO! SHUT UP! SHUT UP! SHUT UP!”. And he walked back in, straight away, to avoid embarrassement. I felt so sorry for him. I just wanted to run straight up to him, and put my arms around his neck and hold on for ever and ever and ever and ever. But I knew I’d broken Matthew’s heart. He’d tried. He’d tried to help me out of my insecurity. But I’d rejected him – and I knew he wouldn’t want anything to do with me ever again. And I was right.Ever since then, Matthew has approached me with a strange approach. Nothing like before. Sometimes he doesn’t seem interestered at all – and seems to enjoy and intensify my discomfort when we meet. Perhaps that’s just because he thinks I’m boring? My personality shrinks around him so maybe I’m just not good enough in terms of personality. Perhaps it’s because I broke his heart. But until I get some help I’ll probably never find out. I’m still obsessed with him at the age of 18. Pretty sad really, after all of that. But I can’t help it – I know these feelings are real. I know I’m in love with him – and no matter how much I try to conceal my emotions, and bury myself in my work (I’m a barrister in a London high court – result of me burying myself in my schoolwork to try and hide away from Matthew and my obsessions) – I just can’t escape. And my feelings are growing stronger by the minute. I still see Matthew – and struggle to find my tounge at all around him. He appears to have a girlfriend, and everytime I meet him I want to burst into tears. But I just sit there arms folded – depressed. Soon something bad is going to happen. My self-esteem is lowered completely and I badly need help. If you care at all: please answer the following questions, in relation to your gender.QUESTIONS:If you are a girl…Ø Can you understand what I have done? Would you have done the same?Ø Do you think Matt still has feelings towards me?Ø Is what I felt love or just a crush?Ø What should I do now?If you are a guy…Ø What would you have done in Matthew’s situation?Ø What would you be feeling, as a guy, if you were Matt?Ø What would you be doing now, if you were Matt?Ø Would you still like me now, if you were Matt?Ø What should I do now?Thanks. I appreciate your help.xxx
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christian, crush, depressed, immature, insecure, period, shy Reply to this Question
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, Gem86 +, writes (3 January 2009):
 Hello, thank u for the follow up here, I was interested to see what kind of contact you still have.
I suggest you start with baby steps here, like maybe you could just send him a casual message on facebook - Hi how are you doing these days, feels like we havent caught up in ages, Im always so busy when I see you... etc? Keep in friendly and casual. If you dont know if he has a gf, look at this profile, it usually says people's relationship status on there. Thank god for facebook hey? lol.
Once you've got past the point of making contact with him again, maybe you could go talk to him one weekend face to face while your at church? I would suggest you make a conscious effort to work on your body language i.e. unfold your arms, chin up and keep eye contact as long as you can manage. I find body language to be quite an interesting way to see how the other person feels, maybe you could do a little research into how to open your's up? It might take a while, but I think once you've started talking to him face to face again you can work out if he's interested in you.
And you know what, if he's not, at least you will have got past this stage of worrying about it! You should look at all of it as a positive. Learning to talk to someone you fancy is hard, but it gets better.
If you wanna talk about it further etc, just message me on here. If not, all the best, good luck :) x
A
male
reader, pietry  +, writes (3 January 2009):
 I ment that perhaps he would understand you better if he knew the whole story from your point of view. I'm sure that his interpretation of all this is quite different as you can see from his reactions
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A
female
reader, obsessedwithhimnumber21 +, writes (3 January 2009):
obsessedwithhimnumber21 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks Gem86. xxx
I do still see Matt a lot (every week or more) as I attend Church every Sunday. The situations cannot be described as a close encounter - and just involve perhaps walking past each other or gazing into one anothers eyes from both sides of the room. Though I rarely speak to Matt, he's a friend on facebook and I do briefly chat with him.
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A
female
reader, Gem86 +, writes (2 January 2009):
Hi hun!
Well, I have read everything here, and I would agree with another's opinion that you are a shy person. Nothing wrong with that mind!
Ok, you're 18, studying to be a barrister, it sounds like your really achieving the things you want - Im saying this because you really need to give yourself more credit! Don't let your self esteem go to pot, you sound like you have got a fantastic life!
I do understand what you have done, more than you'd think. Im also a kind of girl who goes incredibly shy around someone i fancy. Its rubbish, but its something you just kinda learn to deal with (Im not condoning drinking alcohol here but Im much better if Ive had a drink lol).
I think this Matt guy may or may not have feelings towards you (I know thats very vague, Im sorry), but I think maybe its that he did at one point when younger, and could have moved on. Or alternatively, he still has a soft spot for you. I just dont know.
What you felt is in my humble opinion a very extreme crush or infactuation. But hey, these are your feelings, not mine!
Sooo... what to do now? I think maybe you should work on your self esteem first of all. As previously said, you have nothing to feel bad about yourself for! I think working on learning to love yourself is a good way forward hun!
Just a couple of questions - do you still see him a lot? if so, in what kind of situations are we talking here? Do you talk to him? Are you friends on facebook or anything similar? I dont think showing him this post is the best idea, it might be a little overwhelming.
I hope my input has helped slightly here :) x
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A
female
reader, obsessedwithhimnumber21 +, writes (2 January 2009):
obsessedwithhimnumber21 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks R092. I'm going to write him a letter.xxx
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A
female
reader, obsessedwithhimnumber21 +, writes (2 January 2009):
obsessedwithhimnumber21 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionpietry - thanks for the comment. I think I might write him a letter. But what do you mean by your last sentence? What would happen if Matt could see my post? Wouldn't he think I was a freak?
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (2 January 2009): I can in a way understand what you have done, although i've never liked anyone for this long there have been a few guys who i liked but always wanted to avoid them.I don't know whether i would have acted in the same way but probably similar.I have never understood guys and i doubt i ever will, but i guess he acts this way around you because he was hurt and doesn't know how to act around you now. it's gotta be love, i don't think you'd have feelings for him for this long if it was just a crush.I'm no expert on relationships or how to fix them, but maybe you could try and talk to him alone, tell him how you feel, and that you didn't act the way you did because you wanted to hurt him. if you don't feel like you can do this how about writing a letter to him? hope this helps, if you want to talk more about it feel free to message me and i'll help you as much as i can.good luck xxx
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A
male
reader, pietry +, writes (2 January 2009):
Well I;m a guy but I will try to answer some of your questions...
First of all it seems you have a very unusual personality and you are very impulsive, perhaps of shyness. You should try to control yourself more , acting on some impulses is not usually the best way to do it. Next time something important happens and you feel like doing something just stop, close your eyes and see in your mind what you want to do and if that is really what you want to do . And if you can't do anything just don't do it.
If I were Matt I would surely be very confused right now. This girl is really liking me or she's just playing ? She is so full of contrasts...
Perhaps he doesn't know what to believe anymore.
The main idea is you trying to express yourself according to your feelings. Let your feelings go... what else worse can it happen ?
I only wish that Matt could read your post here...
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