A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:I seem to have got into a bit of a sticky situation. This may sound odd but I already know what I need to do. It's just not what I want to do..Me and Boyfriend of a year and a half broke up in November 08. He was the love of my life, and yes I would say I was completely infatuated with him, though I dont think its a crime to be infatuated with the person you're in a relationship with.This break up nearly destroyed me, I couldn't function for a good two weeks after and I still think about him all the time. I'm at University and he used to be (but dropped out) on the same course as me. he still lives in the town i live in at the moment and i see him a little as we have all the same friends.Last night we hung out, just the two of us and he told me that he feels fulfilled in his life at the moment, though it is missing one thing...me..and that he would like me back. He said he would try and be a better boyfriend to me (eg. take me out, treat me etc which he didn't do in our prior relationship).This is all very well, and sounds like a complete no brainer, but there is one problem.In the depth of my post break-up depression, one of my good friends and former boyfriends decided to tell me he was in love with me. I admit the attention and support he gave me made me feel a lot better, and with his love I slowly regained my strength to become the person I am now. So three months out of my relationship with guy no. 1, i'm in a relationship (again) with guy no. 2.Guy no. 2 is very much in love with me (i believe) and is very attentive, though maybe a bit clingy, I could see myself being happy with him but he just isn't guy no. 1. Guy no. 1 is always present in my mind. Even more so now that he wants me back.The question is, do I go back to Guy no. 1, risking my friendship with guy no. 2 but with the possibility of being deliriously in love again or stick with guy no. 2, but always knowing in the back of my mind that i still want to be with guy no. 1.Help is needed!I honestly don't know how i get myself into these situations.
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female
reader, Tisha-1  +, writes (3 March 2009):
 As long as you are being honest with them and yourself, you have nothing to feel guilty about. He will get over it, eventually.
Staying in the relationship if you wanted out would only postpone the inevitable. Nowhere with guy number 2 did I hear you say that you were in love with him. Did you really want to be with him? You like him and care about him, but don't want to be in a romantic relationship with him, do I have that right? I think he caught you on the rebound, and this is what can happen in those cases. The individual rebounding is very confused and vulnerable.
What I'm proposing you do is take the time to get unconfused and figure out what will work for you. I read somewhere recently that falling in love and having a relationship are two different things. Okay, it was Keanu Reeves, who maybe isn't a relationship guru but I think it's a good way to look at this.
Be honest with some grace, handle the other's feelings with care and don't be guilted into doing something you know doesn't work for you.
Why were you so flattened by the breakup with guy number 1? Were you feeling inadequate and small? Did he make you question own good judgement? Start working on those questions before calling guy number 1 to announce that you're single again. What I don't like about guy number 1 is that you never went anywhere. Now there's taking a girl out to fancy restaurants all the time and buying gifts and showering her with all the things that loads of cash can buy. There's also taking her out with you to the pub, buying a sandwich in a cafe from time to time, going to the cinema together, being out in public as a couple. If the sum total of your relationship was spent in bed with none of the other 'couple' stuff, then maybe you were not as important to him as you'd have liked. I don't think you're unreasonable for asking to be treated as a girlfriend would be.
Why am I taking so long to get to the point? I don't know, I have to work on that.
Keep the sex out of it with number 1, you'll find out soon enough if that is all he's really interested in. You don't have to punish him about it, just say that for you love and sex are interwoven and you can't separate the two (if that's the truth). You want to work on a relationship with him, but it needs to develop and you can work up to it if and when trust and comfort get re-established.
You should be able to function in life without the crutch of a relationship. Remember Keanu's sage advice! LOL
A
reader, anonymous, writes (3 March 2009): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionok, another Update!
Just explained to guy no. 2 that I don't want a heavy relationship and he's now gone to cry/be angry/shit something/someone (?) somewhere. He's acting very immature and blowing the whole thing out of proportion and has said to contact him first.
I understand I've really hurt his feelings but this is a bit much? He says me seeing anyone else would destroy him, even though i never mentioned that prospect at all, i certainly didn't mention guy no. 1.
feeling a little bit off the both of them.
any thoughts?
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (3 March 2009): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThat helps a lot thank you!! Sometimes, and without this coming out the wrong way, you just need someone to put it in perspective and tell you what to do. Hence why i came to an agony aunt page!
I think what you've suggested is the way forward. Guy no. 1 shouldn't be too much of a problem but i hate hurting people's feelings which is probably what i'm now about to do to guy no. 2 but its better in the long run.
Anyway thank you, I hope anyone in the same or similar situation can learn from this.
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A
female
reader, Tisha-1 +, writes (3 March 2009):
Thanks for the followup! That helps a lot. So basically guy number 1 was a relationship based in the bedroom, not out and about in the world? And he broke up with you because you wanted more, to be treated as a girlfriend and not just a bedfellow? Sorry for putting it so crudely, but is that the gist?
And guy number 2 is essentially an LDR, though he does live in your hometown. How exactly is he clingy? Well, that question might be moot if you do end the romantic part of your relationship.
So what do I mean by casual dating? What I'm suggesting is that you remove sex from the equation for the time being. Get to know them both as people a little more and see how they deal with other people in the world; how they cope with challenges; what their basic stance on the world is and how those things coincide with you. You go out on dates and hold hands and make out, but you eliminate going to bed with them for the time being. Why? Because I have a sense that for you, having sex creates a bond, that you invest more emotionally into physical intimacy than guy number 1 might. Guy number 1 sounds like he needs to develop his emotional intimacy, that he's more about the physical intimacy but can't handle much emotional work. If you remove sex from the equation with him, and I believe you have every right to do so, to take it very slow so that you don't get your heart broken again, if you remove sex for the time being, you and he will have to relate on a different level. That's when you'll see what he's made of, what his true feelings for you are.
I don't think you're being silly and immature to expect to go out on a date with the you love. I think your expectations and his expectations of the relationship were vastly different, however, and I'm concerned for you that they still are. Does that make sense? Just because he wants you back doesn't mean he's going to do the work on the emotional side of the relationship with you. The fact that he bailed on you when things were rough is an indication that he either is unwilling to or doesn't know how to cope with the emotional demands a relationship with you entails.
Until you sort that out with him, I would protect your heart, and in your case, I think that having sex means more to you emotionally than it does to him.
Again, I could be very wrong about his motivation and his willingness to change, but I think you need to measure his expectations against yours and see if there is some congruency there. And do this before you get your heart broken again.
Guy number 2 does sound like the rebound guy. He loves you as more than a friend and saw his opportunity to be close with you after number 1 dropped you. The problem with that is I don't think you really feel that way about him. You needed the ego boost he provided and have a need to feel close to someone, but it may just be a matter of convenience. He was the right guy in the right place. Him being 3 hours away means you don't have to do too much more than spend a lot of time on the phone or emailing/textng him. You're not present everyday in each other's lives. So again, look at the expectations each of you has for this relationship. If he sees it growing and getting more and more serious, and you see it as trying it out but don't see yourself with him longterm, then it's going to end in tears for someone (him, in this case).
It's almost a reverse situation from guy number 1, only with guy number 2, you are emotionally withdrawn, as guy number 1 is with you.
So my point about casual dating is to see them, spend time with them, but not sleep with them. You are upfront with both of them, that you are not committing to any one person right now, and want to have the opportunity to date more than one person.
I don't think there's anything wrong or evil or dishonest about this as long as you are clear to them and yourself that you're not getting into a deep, hot and heavy boyfriend/girlfriend relationship until you are ready. Of course, this means that they can date other girls too, that's only fair.
Does that all make sense?
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (3 March 2009): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks for your help. I didn't want to go into too much detail about me and guy no. 1 breaking up but it was basically because i could be a little needy, which i'm acknowledged and realise thats not the way forward in a successful relationship. The reason for this was that I was having a bit of an identity crisis, ie. i didn't really know what i wanted from my career etc and was emotional a lot of the time. He couldn't handle how emotional I was and left.
Another reason, why i mentioned him treating me to things is because are relationship revolved around sex and staying in. The relationship wasn't fulfilling to me as I wanted the romance of going on dates etc. This may sound silly and immature but we were seeing eachother for a year and a half and we didn't go on a single date.
Me and him have talked through what we thought was wrong in our relationship, but I agree if we were going to start again we'd have to talk about this more and work on our friendship.
You seem to suggest casual dating for both guys. Would it be ok to ask what you mean by this?
Another thing I forgot to mention in my question was the fact that guy no. 2 lives in my hometown which is also where my parents live so i do visit often but it is basically a long distance relationship at the moment as it takes 3 hours to get to by car from my university town.
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A
female
reader, lizzyb  +, writes (3 March 2009):
I'm in a similar situation. my bf and i of 2.5 years broke up 4 months ago. since then i've met someone new who i've been dating for a little while. now the ex is back and i have no idea what to do. i want to be back with him too but i feel he can't just walk in and out of my life whenever he feels like it.
I'm definately gonna break up with the guy i've been seeing because no matter what happens with my ex it's really not fair to him.
as far as my ex goes i think i'm going to take it really slow, make sure it's not just words but actions. make him prove this is actually what he wants.
i think the important thing when getting back with an ex is to talk about why you broke up, how you can make sure these problems don't come up again and then start from scratch. treat it like a brand new relationship, getting to know each other all over again, rebuilding the trust.
I'm still just as confused but i know that if my ex really wants me back he's going to have to work for it.
lizzy
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A
female
reader, Tisha-1 +, writes (3 March 2009):
I think you have a third option, and I believe it might be a good one for you right now, until you can get your priorities sorted out.
You can tell guy number 2 that you aren't ready to be in a relationship with him (which is true), that you're feeling a bit suffocated (the clingy bit) and that while you care for him very much, you're just not ready for the type of commitment he's heading for. If he can manage a dating relationship (no sex, though), then ask he'll be amenable to that. Otherwise, it's back to being close friends, or split up with no contact, that will be his choice.
Back to guy number 1; why did you two break up in the first place? The only thing I heard was that he wasn't taking you out and spending money on you. Was that the cause of the break up? Anyway, you seem to be willing to rush back into his arms without really have sorted through the reasons for the breakup and the emotions attached to that.
I understand about feeling infatuated and feeling very strongly, but I'm concerned that after having been so flattened by guy number 1, you're willing to rush back without resolving the issues that still exist there.
So I'd advise you to go back to a casual dating relationship with him, or at least go back into getting to know each other a bit better.
I'm suggesting this because you seem to be rushing from one relationship into another, and then back out of that one back to the original. Can't you live on your own, without the crutch of having a boyfriend, for a few months? Learn a bit more about each guy and really a lot more about yourself? Then you might be able to understand how you wind up in these situations.
Don't let this relationship drama impact your schoolwork; that would be a real shame.
Good luck!
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A
male
reader, Ed1337 +, writes (3 March 2009):
 Did guy 1 end things with you the first time round, or was it a joint decision? Could you ever trust guy 1 not to hurt you again in the future? you said it yourself, the break up nearly destroyed you.
Guy 2 was there for you and helped you out of a difficult time, now that your happy again and have recovered from guy 1, your thinking about giving up on guy 2 and going back to the person he helped you get over. I think you should atleast give guy 2 a chance to make you happy, and tell guy 1 that your seeing someone at the moment.
Don't make the mistake of keep running back to your ex, hurting others on the way, just remember how you felt when things ended the last time.
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A
female
reader, No_Nonsense  +, writes (3 March 2009):
 Hi there
You said it yourself - Guy no 2 just isn't Guy no 1! Go with your heart and it seems to me like your heart is leading you to Guy no 1!
If you stick with Guy no 2, you're never going to be fully happy, so then why do that to yourself?
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