A
female
age
26-29,
*azima
writes:I started a LDR with a filipino man last year in September and we talk everyday and check up on each other, spend good time together. I came up with the idea to send our own cultural foods to each other. So he agreed, and I asked whether he was able to afford it and he said he could. I never specified how much to give (I actually didn't care whether it was with a card, small snack and envelope). We hadn't agreed on a day to send the gift as we were both working 2 jobs, taking care of family and working on other goals. Now it is Christmas season and I have sent my gift, but he hasn't. We both agreed to send it between 15th - 20th of December. He has bought afew items already and sent me photos but said he would try to find the time to send it. I had kept pestering about when he would send it because I was so excited and he kept saying he would send it tomorrow.. and the next day and the following day. I just stopped and waiting to see if my own gift will get to him before he even sends his!I understand the Phillipines is a low-economical country hence why I asked whether he could afford it, and if it was ok, to then which he agreed. Apart of me would feel very disappointed that my gift would get to him before he sends his. I know he can afford it because he has bought a brand new computer chair.Apart of me also has used this as a test to see how much of a priority I am in his life, whether he is honest and considerate of my own feelings and whether he is serious about us, or he is wasting my time. I know many of you would say a LDR isnt a real relationship, and I agree. I believe it to be a promise to one day be together, not an actual relationship. Hence why I was testing his commitment this way. I feel like giving up sometimes because of how much effort I put into it.He sleeps alot to the point by the time he wakes up I have to sleep in 1 hour, so I stay up too late talking to him, then I play games with him just to do something but he does his own thing by himself in the game. I use to say good morning to him everyday and he did too, now its only me but I stopped awhile ago. He lacks motivation to pursue his goals (e.g. getting fit, finishing his degree, passive income) but doesnt do much about it. His already told me his lazy, but didn't say he wasnt ambitious! I am lazy at times but I wouldnt be lazy with my own goals. He drinks moderately and I barely drink twice a year. I use to be so inspired by him and felt like his best friend but I feel none of those. I full of disappointment.
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ambition, best friend, christmas Reply to this Question
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reader, anonymous, writes (27 December 2021): Why are you wasting your time on this guy? It is clear he has no money, clear he will amount to nothing in the future. The best that can happen is that he comes to where you are and lives with you and you pay for everything, keeping him, as if he is a child, a dependent. Wow. What a terrific ambition that is, to have a grown adult come to be with you and act like a needy poor child sucking your money off of you. In fact when you said to him can you afford to send some food it should have occurred to you that if he can't afford a simple cheap thing like that he is a loser and not worth bothering with. Yet you were going to accept if he said no I cannot afford it I am a loser, and waste your time on him anyway. Now you know he is both a loser and a liar.
Usually when a woman is looking for a guy she wants one who has a reasonable income so that he can pay his way with her. You make sure of all this before you get keen and waste lots of time on contact.
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (27 December 2021): Personally I agree with you: he agreed to mail something and roughly when to mail it and he didn't do it, which is not cool.
Keep in mind though that some places (like the PIs?) have very laid-back schedules. Maybe he will mail something to you eventually.
Best of luck and Happy New Year!
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (26 December 2021): LDR's entirely conducted online don't connect emotionally like those that began after the couple have had actual in-person contact and have spent quality time together. Over time, emotional connections can be made; and you have something you might build upon. You've never met this man in person.
I think he is beginning to get bored, and knows he hasn't got much to offer. If he is financially-strapped, he's probably too proud to admit it; and a single purchase (i.e. the computer chair) doesn't exactly assess a person's economic status, or serve as any true representation of how much disposable income he has on-hand. He might have saved-up a longtime to make that purchase. It could be on a time-payment plan.
I think the LDR is being challenged by distance, and he knows there is no likelihood you'll be together; or he suspects you may not be too impressed once you are aware of his true financial situation. He is probably a struggling guy, dealing with poverty, and his life is very simple. Just the mention of the word "ambition;" is a clear indication you're expecting him to show some true initiative; and that he's preparing to make it possible to meet each-other someday.
My guess is that he already knows the possibility is remote, and there is an unlikely chance of that ever happening...unless you foot the bill.
I believe there are more important ways of testing the sincerity of a person; but to each his own. He probably can't afford to send you anything; and what income he's earning is needed to help his family, and to support himself at the bare minimum. From what you've described when you spend time together; he seems somewhat aloft, and his participation is forced or obligatory.
Remember, people often agree to things because they're put on the spot. When you have to nag someone to keep a promise; it's pretty clear that they don't intend to.
I think you should move on.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie  +, writes (25 December 2021):
 First of all, it seems that you know this can't really go anywhere. Other than some pen-pal-ish friendship. So you know that while you FELT excited and attracted to him in the beginning and hoped it could be more, over time you have come to realize that it's not going to be what you had hoped/ thought.
That is not uncommon for LDRs (or any relationship, really)
As for using the "sending gifts to each other" as a test, I'd say that is kind of immature. You shouldn't "test" people. The test is only in YOUR head. So you set people up for failure without their knowledge. Sending you a gift (or not) has nothing really to do with how invested he is in something with you.
And then we HAVE to consider the mail as well. I know mailing g stuff these days can really be a hit or miss. I had one package to Europe take 7 days and another 3 months. So yeah, I don't know how the mail to/from the Philipines are.
It did teach you something more about him. He really IS lazy. And he is somewhat selfish. He liked the idea of swapping snacks through the mail, but ACTUALLY going to the post office? Yeah, nah couldn't be bothered.
You already know there are plenty of things about him, that aren't compatible with you and what YOU want in a partner, so why drag this on?
I think trying to date someone SO far away is also an extra layer of complications. Then you have the cultural difference, norms, and rules that might not SEEM big but in reality, can be huge.
LDRs can work. Just like dating someone from a very different cultural or ethnic background can. IF the two people are compatible.
You two are not.
I'd say if you want to find a partner maybe try and look closer to home. Someone you can see in person and get to know in person. Because there is such a huge difference getting to know someone over tech and in person.
It might mean you have to give up this guy, wish him well and cut all communications. Such is life.
Good luck and Merry Christmas.
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A
female
reader, Youcannotbeserious  +, writes (25 December 2021):
 The problem with long distance relationships is that people can be very selective in what they reveal about themselves. That said, he has already revealed traits which disappoint you.
You KNOW this is not a "real" relationship. You are only in your 20s. While you are wasting time on this ersatz romance, you could be dating someone in real life, closer to home.
In your shoes I would make my new year's resolution to cut ties with this guy (who could have numerous other "relationships" on the go) and work on meeting someone with whom you can actually have a proper relationship.
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