A
female
age
51-59,
anonymous
writes:Have been dating a great man for seven months. Was never particularly physically attracted, but he's ok to me physically. Anyway, got into it for a few months, but after 3-4 months, have been very turned off physically. He's fairly overweight and not into exercise and working out, whereas I am very into exercise and working out. He has a lot of habits that annoy me and i feel suffocated a lot of the time. Sexually, he's very eager to please, but without getting into detail, isn't very well equipped. He wants to spend all his time with me; i'm very independent been single for years and treasure my time to myself. He is very caring and generous with his time and very into my life, and just don' feel that's reciprocated. Sometimes i wonder if it's purely a sexual problem (on my part the indifference/turned off) or if i just don't like him as much as I should.Anyway, am in my 40's, single, don't want to be alone the rest of my life, and he's safe, loving, there for me, and my family loves him. I have a great time with him until the end of the day, at which point i start dreading the sexual encounter to come, and, imagine myself with ex's, etc. to get through it.He is separated and going through a divorce so has all that going on. I used to be bothered by it but now am grateful for it takes up a lot of his time, which means i have more for myself.Am very attracted to another man, and, other men in general. However, who knows if they will have the emotional availability or maturity that i need, i used to go for looks/passion and ended up with masochistic or immature men who cheated, or were emotionally abusive, or both. Therefore, am trying to "overlook" the lack of passion for him. Advice or insights?
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female
reader, birdynumnums  +, writes (13 February 2011):
 Wow.
You are a grownup. Decisions are part of being a grownup.
Seriously? Read your own letter!!! It's pretty damn obvious that you really aren't that into him.
Move On!
A
reader, anonymous, writes (13 February 2011): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionWow, that was a great answer, thank you. You hit nail on head. Ok i am satisfied now you said gut reaction and that is exactly what i feel -- and no, i cannot change that. So is fair to both parties to end and move on. I am afraid this will derail him and upset him too muh but you are correct, staying just makes it worse. Your ending with it will suck worse in 10 years is what really grabbed me. Yes. That is true. Thank you.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (13 February 2011): Maybe you should encourage him to go for a walk with you three or four times a week. It's something, by the sounds, that he needs and it's something you can share together. His drama's with his ex will NOT last forever, so once that's over, his attention is going to have to be focused somewhere. My bet it'll be you. Maybe you need to encourage him to slowly get involved in outside activities that don't involve you. Then you have your life, he has his and you can each share with each other at the end of the day what each of you had done. I don't think your partner has to be stunning to look at for you to be attracted to them. I think when you love someone, you tend to look past all that unless he is MAJORLY obese or something and then I think that would kinda turn me off as well. That's why I don't think it's so much, his weight, but more his lifestyle that is turning you off. Nevertheless you can encourage him to overcome any weight problems that he has by reinforcing his positive steps as he takes them. He'll be so grateful to you for helping him and making him feel great and a better and healthier person for it. You will find if he does lose weight, probably the majority of the things that annoy you now, won't when he's healthier, has more energy and is living life a little more. You have to remember that the drama he is involved in would be a constant strain on his mind and self esteem also. He may want to pull himself out of the hole he's in, but just physically and mentally can't. That's where you can HELP him, cos you're his partner. If you developed some life threatening illness, where in a slump and your life became a burden on your partner because of the way you were dealing with it yourself. Your partner has a choice to either walk away cos it's all too hard or choose to encourage a change in your behaviour and the way you live life and handle things. That's the true test of a relationship and each persons individual strength of character that are in it. When it comes to sex. I think communication between the both of you is a critical element in improving the situation. Without being critical of each other, you could suggest that you would like to try something new. Tell him that you haven't felt as comfortable with anyone else as you do with him and you'd like to try some different techniques or even sex toys. Tell him it's something you've always wanted to explore. Don't tell him the reason being because he doesn't fulfill your needs. Reassure him that it's just something that you have always wanted to do. Sex toys are a great way of spicing up things in the bedroom if used as a couple on each other. Have a look on the internet for some sites if you don't feel comfortable going to an adult shop. Truthfully, I think the desire and attraction towards him will improve dramatically when he sets and starts achieving some of his goals and becomes more of an individual instead of suffocating you and swimming in your waters. Good luck, I hope things improve for the both of you.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (13 February 2011): I'm in the same boat, except that it's my husband...and I have been married to him for 11 years, and have always felt that way about him right from the start (I married young and for the wrong reasons, yes even on the wedding night I was dreading the sexual encounter to come, I knew it was a bad idea to get married but for various reasons I felt pressure into it and felt that it would get better with time. I was so wrong it's just gotten so much worse with time)...Men get really really hurt and their self esteem destroyed if they are really in love with a woman and really attracted to her and she is repulsed by him and doesn't find him the least bit attractive and dreads having sex with him. That's how my husband and I are. It's cruel to do this to a man. It may be cruel to leave him (if that will destroy his self esteem) but just as cruel to stay with him only to always reject him in bed or dread it. This will also end up destroying his self esteem but the difference is that here the situation is stuck and there's no moving forward (unless he loses a ton of weight or overhauls his personality so you can feel attracted to him, or you manage to overhaul your personality to find obesity attractive). At least if you break up there's a chance to move on. As long as you stay together, I don't see a lot of chance for improvement because this is not about learning new skills of relating to each other, it's about fundamental likes and dislikes which you can't really change. You can change your outward behavior, but you can't change your gut reactions.After years of being trapped in this situation (because we are married), I'm now thinking very seriously about divorce. Yes he provides security, but our relationship is really tense and uncomfortable now to the point that I dont' even like his company because he feels so hurt and rejected by me that he's started trying to force things on me, and I feel too repulsed if I force myself not to reject him. Maybe you will end up on the same path as me if you continue this relationship. My feeling is this: you can have as many friends as you want. But you can only have ONE sexual partner (at least morally). and that is whomever you settle down with. So, if there is a big problem that you really dislike sex with him, I think it's a deal breaker. Simply because this will hurt him too, not just you, and morally you can't get your needs fulfilled by other people. So I would advise you to end this relationship. It may suck to be single again, but not as much as it will suck to wake up 10 years from now STILL feeling as frustrated as you are now, and him feeling zero self confidence because of your continuing to be turned off by him.
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A
male
reader, C. Grant +, writes (13 February 2011):
 It's a question of your priorities, isn't it? Safety, security, comfort -- those are all great things. But the fact that you've posted the question kind of says that you're just not ready to 'settle' for what's at hand.
If I were him, I'd be aghast that you "start dreading the sexual encounter to come." Seriously, in your 40s with so much life potentially ahead of you, are you prepared to trade off a satisfying sexual life? Doesn't sound like it.
You sound very self-aware. It sounds like you feel like you've learned from past experience. And it sounds like you have other irons in the fire. You're not doing either him or you any favours by accepting a situation that isn't what you really want.
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A
female
reader, tuliplady12345 +, writes (13 February 2011):
Yikes - I'm in a similar boat. Ask yourself "if I had to do it again, would I" question. If I asked myself that question, I wouldn't. My husband is a sweet man - anxiety driven and insecure - but a sweet man nonetheless. The intimacy problem is not technique, enthusiasm or endowment, but chemistry. There was never any chemistry. We were always just good friends, never the "I can't wait to get home with you..." types (which I miss sooo much). And in the end - a little problem becomes a huge problem down the road when it's something as basic as chemistry.There are plenty of good men that are health conscious and looking for a chance to shine. Next time, maybe you want to go to a place where those types of men congregate - and you'll find your man there. Life is too short for "safety"! Don't see it as a something bad - see it as an adventure - as a way of trying on something new until it "fits"...Good Luck!
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