A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:Im hoping for some good advice regarding my current situation. Just recently I lost my last grandparent, who I loved very much and meant the world to me. I am overcome with grief. today, my partner walked out saying he was fed up of my `diva like` ways(not too sure what he meant by that), and to be honest I dont feel like I care. I havnt tried to call or text him, I havnt even thought about him. I just want my grandparents back. My heart feels like its been stabbed.Im trying to stay strong as I have a young child to take care of, so far im not too bad infront of him. Im worried that ill lose my job as I had a lapse in work a couple of days ago and got sent home, im worried my boss will think im unprofessional and weak.Im also worried that even though right now I feel the need to be single, I may regret it in a week or two and start to miss my partner/ex.My head is a big confusion. Could anybody please reply if they have been in my situation or similar....or even reply if you feel you could make things clear for me. Any help is received greatfully, thankyou.
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female
reader, Aunty Babbit +, writes (16 February 2014):
 Thanks for the update OP, I think you've made a wise decision.
I hope you feel a bit better soon, my thoughts are with you.
AB x
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (16 February 2014): Hi.....I am the op.
Thankyou for all your responses for which I am greatfull.
I have decided to do just that,.....take time off work and free myself from everything for a while.
Op x
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A
female
reader, Aunty Babbit +, writes (16 February 2014):
I'll keep this as brief as I can.
You need to grieve for your grandparent, in fact all of your grandparents as the passing of your last one will open up the wounds of losing the others again.
Speak to your boss, tell him you need compassionate leave following the loss of a close family member.
Then you need to speak to your GP as you may also be suffering from a low grade depression and can ask him/her to sign you off work for a short time while you get yourself back on track.
You need time and space to grieve and without that you can't focus on work or your relationship split.
Take one day at a time and just concentrate on your child for now.
My thoughts are with you, I hope this helps AB x
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A
female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (16 February 2014):
 Let's start from the boss at work : hopefully, he / she is a human being with some degree of compassion for other human beings, so yes, he might have thought your melt down unprofessional, ( objectively, nobody wants to be operated by a sobbing brain surgeon, but not even being helped by a sobbing shopclerk ) but he/ she will have accepted and realized by now that everybody is / can be unprofessional in special moments of stress and grief . People are not machines , and some times they cave under exceptional emotional pressure . As your boss knows perfectly, I bet.
That's not a free pass to wallow in unbridled grief and self pity. You have gone through a great loss, and then again loss is part and parcel of our human experience. It is normal that you are just at the first stages of elaborating your loss, and that you have a hard time ( make it, terrible ) to cope, but you have a child to go on for, as well as who knows how many brighter days and positive changes and things to be grateful for. You will heal in time, but you must cooerate to your healing. Maybe you can take a week off work, to cry your heart out in peace and quiet, so you'll have taken the edge off the rawest of your pain by the time you go back to work. If you feel yourself slipping into depression, see your doctor immediately. You may want to talk to a grief counselor to get help handling these overwhelming feelings, or seek support from a life crisis help line or bereavement group. Do something special to honour your grandpa 's memeory, even something small but symbolic, symbols help us healing. Like, a small donation to his favourite charity, or like continuing something that he had been doing , should it even just be the Sunday crosswords or feeding pidgeons in the park. And remember- this is a cliche', but cliches can also be true, your grandpa would want to see you happy , he would be upset to be the cause of your pain , he would never have wanted that- so you MUST go on.
As for your bf : first thing first. One thing at the time, you can't take wise, rational decisions in the middle of a big personal crisis . If right now you don't feel like seeing him or patching up or whatnot, that's fine , don't do it. Follow your instincts . If in a week or two you'll feel like you are missing him very much- you'll cross that bridge when you'll reach there. If needs be, but not before, you will set out to get him back, two weeks can't make that MUCH of a difference, if he still has feelings for you and is open to the idea to reconcile, it's not two weeks or three which will make it impossible. Then again, if he is adamant and has totally moved on in two weeks , that means that the relationship had already broken down and badly deteriorated without you even noticing . Maybe you were too distracted or absorbed by the grief and anxiety over your Grandpa for noticing it.
Btw : I have no idea if this is your case, but I have noticed time and again that when you are accused of being a diva the other person simply means that you are putting your needs before , or at least not necessarily after , their needs, and they have a problem with that. So very often " you are a diva " just means " you are not ready to drop anything to take care of MY wants and needs and to pander to my ego. You have problems , wants and needs of your own that you are taking care of first- and I don't like that ! ME first ! " . That 's the typical attitude of a 2 y.o. , often they will cry their eyes out if mommy goes out alone , not because they don't like their dad or nanny or the person who will be looking after them while Mom is out, but because : How does she DARE having pleasures and pursuits and worries that are not about ME ? ... The problem is that this attitude which is normal at a toddler's developmental stage , gets carried along in adult years too...
I have sort of got the feeling that you might have been very busy / preoccupied / stressed during the last phase of your Grandfather's life , and your bf did not like that, took it personally... I don't know obviously, just a hunch...
Anyway, it is not really relevant , long story short is : first things first. Just deal with what you can deal now, do not go looking for other crisis that you could not handle properly anyway. Focus your energies on feeling better , and healing, and going back to functioning, then you'll see about the bf. If you are made for each other , you'll sort things out- if you are not, .. so be it, he is not the only man in the world , and most of all not the only man who can be right for you.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (16 February 2014): Hi,I wish that I had ALL the answers, and could make things right.I'm so sorry to hear about your grandparents. I've been in a similar situation.Ok, my dog was my absolute world. I miss her so much, because she died two years ago, and I got cheated out of even saying good-bye. I THOUGHT I loved my boyfriend, and I caught him cheating on me two days later. My whole world was shattered. It was all I could do to get up and teach classes, and it seriously affected the quality of my work. I felt very angry and resentful because it was like everyone was against me... a couple of my students complained to the director that I ''seemed sad'' and I got reprimanded, no one actually gave a shit about the battle I was fighting. I almost committed suicide but in retrospect that would have been a horrible mistake. I fell into a deep depression, didn't eat for like a month and I lost 10 kilos. About the work thing, exactly what did you do? Exactly how much does your boss know? I should think they should be understanding and forgive a one time thing. seriously! YOu're human, anyone would be showing signs of not being themself after a trauma. As long as you didn't chase someone around the office with a knife or anything, only a heartless person would punish you. I was an absolute mess and my emotions were everywhere after my dog died and my bf and I broke up and on top of everything else, I was living overseas at the time and I was afraid to tell my mom I was depressed, becuase she wasn't there to comfort me. And my dad was just a dick to me, saying I was ''rude'' and ''inconsiderate'' to call my mom crying after the breakup.Have you talked to your parents about how you're feeling? What about siblings?Ok, I don't wanna offend you if you're not a Christian but have you tried going to a church? (Mods... you can say what you like) I did that and I found a network of caring people. They were so unlike the people I met out in the ''world.''On top of that, you should see a therapist. Last night I was reading an article called ''How to Know When it's Time to Seek Therapy'' and they listed a loss of loved one or breakup. No one should have to go through this situation alone... you're not alone. there are people who WANT to help you.
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female
reader, gypsyrose12  +, writes (16 February 2014):
Hi There! I feel your pain. It happened to me once with a boyfriend I was going out with around the time when I lost my brother through suicide. I found out the boyfriend was still involved with his ex-girlfriend while I was going through this tough time. I had two kids also and a job. You are right to feel the way you do because I didn't care less if I broke up with him either because at that time nothing else mattered. But yes it was nice having him with me and supporting me through this tough time. But to tell you the truth even though we still carried on seeing each other the feelings just weren't there anymore. The minute they do you wrong and especially around a time like this, it certainly changes the way you feel about them. I reminded myself that I would rather be alone and dealing with the grief than to be with someone who is going to bring me down anyway. You need to have time on your own to get yourself together and find yourself again. Time heals every wound I say. By doing this you will get stronger everyday. Try and get time off work because you need that, and if they won't give you that time off then get a letter from your doctor and they will have to give you that time. Have faith in yourself and belief in yourself. Time alone with just you and your children, love them and enjoy being around them. I'm sad for your loss, my heart goes out to you. Take care angel.Gypsyrose12
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