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female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes: I have just find out I am pregnant. My boyfriend is away on holiday on the other side of the world for another month and I am going to terminate the pregnancy, which I am happy to do. I was wondering whether I should tell him while he is on holiday, and potentially ruin his time away, or tell him when he gets back. I love him very much and I don't want to hurt him or make his holiday a living hell. What should I do?
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (14 January 2007): Hi,
I am sorry to hear about the situation that you are in. I am also a bit shocked to read some of the replies on this page. I have experienced an abortion and it is not something that you ever think will happen to you. It is a difficult time, and there are a lot of emotions involved. It is a deeply personal issue and I often hope that people are careful to judge one another in such a complex and delicate situation.
It sounds like you and your significant other are in a committed relationship, nevertheless you both sound like young professionals that have career goals in high priority. I think that if you care about him, you should not be afraid of ruining a holiday. I think that in the long run he will appreciate that you told him sooner than later. It is a heavy and important issue, even if you are certain of your course of action.
My own situation was hardly a relationship, but more of an abusive and unfortunate mistake. I did not want him to have any ties to me and so I never told him. If it would have been someone that I cared for I would want to be able to tell him. Let him in and let him go through the experience with you.
That is just my opinion. You know best what is right for your relationship and for yourself. Whatever you decide, make sure you will live okay with it, because in the end it is you who will need to live with your decision.
Best wishes to you and I hope that it all works out in the end.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (6 January 2007): Hi. Me, the writer again. Thank you all for giving me your opinions. They have really helped me in making this decision. I have just spoken to him and everything is fine. Thanks for your support and words of wisdom. I feel much better and I am so glad that I told him. And, I appreciate that not all of you are pro-abortion, but I have none-the-less really appreciated all your kind words.
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A
female
reader, Darlene  +, writes (6 January 2007):
 abortion isn't the only way.if a doctor said it would kill you to carry this child i would understand.but there are thousands out there who want to have childern and can't.
this child could be put up for adoption.maybe by the time it was born you would have decided to keep it.but if not it could still have a chance to have loving parents and live a full life.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (6 January 2007): It's me! Hi! (The writer.) I would just like to say that I am not 'happy' about it, but I know it is the right thing to do. We had discussed what we would do if I fell pregnant before he left, and so it is a mutual decision. I know he would approve of me doing it. We are both very young and just starting our careers and I can't afford to raise a child, and he can't either. This is a decision we made together. And I am moving home, to the other side of the world in tow months time, and we won't be in the same country anymore, which makes it even more difficult. But I am still unsure if I should tell. I think I probably will today.
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A
female
reader, DeeDoc +, writes (6 January 2007):
 THESE ARE MY THOUGHTS: Oh dear. This is gigantic. Please, do not do something you might regret for the rest of your life. PLEASE PLEASE, talk to your mate. After all, you didn't get pregnant by yourself, you had his help. Get his thoughts and input. My heart hurts because you are treating this pregnancy so lightly. You stated that you love him. This unborn child is a product of your love for one another. And I agree with DrPete, there is obviously something more to this story than you are stating. Put aside his HOLIDAY. I feel that it will be ruined anyway if he comes home and you tell him that you aborted his child without him knowing or even stating how he feels about HIS unborn child. Good luck to you. I'm sure that you will make a decision that you can live with.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (6 January 2007):
Hmmm I am not so sure about your criteron of a heatbeat being the bright line for human life.
But wikipedia disagrees with you about the fetus sitting there as an egg for 3 months:
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Fetal_development#Changes_by_weeks_of_age_.28and_weeks_of_pregnancy.29
Week 6:
"The heart bulges, further develops, and begins to beat in a regular rhythm."
And you can see on about.com that it clearly looks like a baby on ultrasound at 11 weeks:
http://pregnancy.about.com/library/ultrasounds/blus3d0511a.htm
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A
female
reader, LoveOnlyOnce +, writes (6 January 2007):
 Hey, Now, don't get me wrong, But this is a very serious question that you have asked. I do think you need to discuss this with your other half!... Now if you feel its going to be cause my grief by doing so, I do think you need to just do what your heart feels... If you are 4-8 wks pregnant, then you should act now as its only going to get harder later on... and in regards to killing something, some say that is true, but you would be only killing something if it had a heart beat... its still a egg untill 12 weeks untill it starts growing... I hope what ever you do is the right thing for you and your partner!...
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A
female
reader, CarrieMagdelene +, writes (5 January 2007):
 Hey writer! While I'm against abortion, I do think that it's a personal choice. But the father DOES have a say in it. Wait until he gets back from holiday. Definately. Otherwise, he'll feel cheated, lied to, worthless, and like you don't care for him. Make him a part of the decision. He may want the child, and killing his child against his will and with out permission is unthinkable to most people. How would you feel if you wanted the baby and you were your partner? Cheated? Hurt? Incomplete? Wait until he returns. Enjoy life! -Carrie
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (5 January 2007):
"which I am happy to do"??? Huh! I dont see how you can be happy. Maybe you feel is the best decision given your circumstances, but how could you actually be happy? Makes me wonder if you really know what you are doing.
If you want to continue this relationship, I'd tell him you plan on killing his kid before you do it. Otherwise its a slap on all kinds of levels.
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A
female
reader, stina +, writes (5 January 2007):
 Shoot - I realize my last post was somewhat confusing. I mean to write "if you can stand to wait to have the procedure done until after he's back from holiday..."
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A
female
reader, stina +, writes (5 January 2007):
Hi Anon,
I have to say that I totally agree with R&B. If you can stand to wait until after he's back from holiday to discuss things with him and tell him your decision, please do so.
If things were flipped around, do you think you'd want the same from him? By waiting and talking about it before you go ahead with your plans, it will probably make him feel as though you are treating him as an equal in the relationship instead of you taking charge of something so huge. Perhaps even after discussing it, you might find you change your mind. But in the end, it is up to you. Just see what happens - it couldn't hurt and it's important to make sure you always have good communication with one another.
Take care.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (5 January 2007): There's obviously a lot more to this, isn't there?Ok, assuming you are going to terminate the pregnancy before telling him, [edit] I would suggest you don't bother telling him at all. There is no point ruining his holiday, is there?Are you sure there is not more to this though? you say you love him dearly - are you sure you do not want to tell him you are pregnant before you end the potential life of his child?I am sorry, but, as a guy, if I were in love with a women who terminated my baby without even telling me I would never, ever forgive her. In fact, I would probably hate her for doing such a thing to me. Just my opinion.If your relationship is based on love, why can you not tell him before you go through with the termination?
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reader, anonymous, writes (5 January 2007): While I believe that this is your decision to make alone considering that you are not married and have an unwanted pregnancy on your hands, I don't think that you should tell your boyfriend after the fact because it will hurt him, if you want to tell him, tell him before you have the procedure as he will then be allowed to process the information before the deed is done and will feel like you took his feelings into consideration before terminating the pregnancy.
If you have no intentions of keeping this baby, getting married to your boyfriend, then understand that telling him that you have terminated the pregnancy of his future child after the fact could permanently end your relationship with him. Making a choice such as yours is a hihgly personal one and in no way am I suggesting that you change your mind to keep a boyfriend....that would be making a poor decision, but I am telling you that either you never tell him about it, or if you do, tell him before you have it done.
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A
female
reader, hemé'oono +, writes (5 January 2007):
 Well, it sounds to me as if you haven't consulted with him or even given him any choice in the matter so why bother with him with it at all. If you aren't going to give him a choice then I wouldn't tell him at all. Personally I think you are being very selfish. This is his child too and he has every right to be consulted about it being terminated.
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