A
female
age
36-40,
*1sha
writes:Hi,I am 26 and my boyfriend is 31. He is a Muslim and I am converting to Islam. We have been together for just over a year and have been having pre-marital sex. I have been a bit upset and ashamed of this for some time as I know it is wrong. I first mentioned it in January and since then we have tried several times to stop but have failed. I brought up the topic again about a week or so ago after we had a serious discussion about marriage. We agreed once again to do it less frequently and then stop altogether. I visited him a few days ago and decided that I would try my hardest to stop. So when it got to the moment I tried to sort of politely push him off. He got really upset, more than I've ever seen him before as he's usually extremely tolerant and understanding. He went and had a shower and came back to bed. He lay with folded arms and did not talk to me which made me feel terrible. I apologized and explained that we both knew what we were doing was wrong. I told him that we enjoy it and it's difficult to stop but we should be good and strong together and wait until we are married. He just replied that he felt completely rejected and frustrated and that he would find it incredibly difficult to stop. I tried to tell him that I thought he was attractive and I didn't mean to hurt or upset him. I suggested that we could read some Qu'ran or pray before bed so we would be less likely to do this but he refused to say anything else so I made some tea for us and he went to sleep telling me 'I'm too tired to talk about this. I need to sleep'.In the morning, he tried again and I refused again. He again got very upset saying that he would find it too difficult to stop. He told me he loved me and that he thought just reducing the frequency would be enough for now. He suggested setting boundaries such as non-penetrative sex etc.I spent the day pondering and he sent a text apologizing to me. When he came home after work he told me about howhe had an extremely stressful day and suggested fun things for us to do that evening. We were watching TV and I told him that I was sorry and didn't want him to feel hurt, upset or frustrated. I told him that I was probably being 'too ambitious' thinking that we could suddenly stop. I told him that I knew we loved each other and planned to get married so we should return to what we were doing before (i.e reduced frequency) because it would be OK as long as we get married. He seemed irritated by this but of course the evening ended with us returning to what we were doing previously!Did I do the right thing?I was a virgin before this relationship (which he knows) and it would be very upsetting for me to continue doing this if I didn't eventually marry him. What a silly dilemma I have gotten myself into!Apologies and many many thanks,Aisha
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ambition, muslim, text Reply to this Question
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (10 June 2010): Once sex enters a relationship, the relationship rarely survives the withdrawal of it.
A
female
reader, celtic_tiger +, writes (10 June 2010):
 I think there are many issues here that you are facing, not just the sex before marriage one.
Firstly, you say you have only been together a year, yet you are already converting to his faith. That is a very big step for someone you have not been together with that long, and may not eventually marry.
Why does he want you to convert? Do you really want to convert, or are you just doing it for him? Could you have a relationship without the inclusion of religion? He obviously doesnt have qualms about the religious aspect, otherwise he wouldnt have had pre-marital sex at all with you. You seem to be the one who is following the rule book to the letter, and he is the one having trouble coping with it.
He is making you compromise between following "his" religious views (the ones that he doesnt abide by) and doing what "he" wants. He cant have it both ways. If he wants you to become a devout muslim, then he needs to realise you are going to follow the rules. If he cant deal with that, then do you want to be in a relationship with this man?
I have to admit, I do not understand why any woman would convert to another faith just for a partner. I do not understand how anyone can change their beliefs so much for someone else. But that is your choice.
Who says sex before marriage is wrong? Why are you ashamed of it? Who are you trying to impress? Are these your thoughts, or are they the beliefs of other people, who are telling you how you should act and behave?
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A
female
reader, Liza999  +, writes (9 June 2010):
 this is a difficult question for many of us to answer as we may not have the same spiritual beliefs as you. I would like to ask you if something feels good and it is done out of love and respect why is it so wrong? Joining together sharing your bodies out of love is this not the highest most spiritual beautiful thing there could be? Sometimes our books our parents our religions can set rules that we ourselves need to question You have your own truths inside of you what is right for you. You must decide this based on your own feelings If it was me my friend I would love and love and love and love and love without any guilt!
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