A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:I have been with my boyfriend for 4 and a half years.I am 27 and he is 29. I love him with all my heart so much so that my friends think it has changed me and I am forever neglecting my own needs. Like many relationships we have had our ups and downs but have remained strong. I do believe that he hasnt treated me wonderfully all the time but he is growing up and is getting better. I love him and he loves me. I was out the other night and I got drunk. I have never been a huge drinker but I got incredibly drunk that I don't remember the end of the night. I am being honest when I say I have never been so drunk in my life. My friends said that they didn't know who I was, I was literally a different person altogether apparently. I realized the next day I had cheated on the love of my life and briefly slept with someone ( I had and then a minute later stopped it apparently - but was told this as I don't remember). I am not looking to be bashed as believe me I am in the worst state of my life. I have had to take a week off work and my boss , he is not happy but I haven't been able to get out of bed. I have been having panic attacks, crying, not sleeping or eating and have lost weight in just a week. I love my boyfriend so much , I miss him every day hes not with me, I get excited whenever I see him. I want to know has anyone gone through what I have and come out the other end OK.I don't want to tell him because we will break up. I just can't believe this happened and I barely even remember it. again as my friends said it wasnt even me. This is the man I want to marry , we have already spoken about it seriously and our future.I guess I am looking for guidance from people with true life experience and relationships. Thank you.and please, don't try to upset me, Im already considering therapy as I feel very depressed.
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cheated on my boyfriend, depressed, drunk, my boss Reply to this Question
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female
reader, maverick494  +, writes (11 September 2015):
Okay, first of all you need to be honest with yourself about why this happened in the first place. Why did you get so drunk? How come you let yourself go like that? shove the guilt away for a moment and try and look at it objectively.
The real question: is he really the love of your life? Because you don't cheat on the love of your life.
I don't think you're a bad person. But I do think you're being dishonest to yourself about why this happened. Look, you're going to have to tell him. And the fallout won't be pretty. But at the same time, maybe this is your gut telling yourself this is not what you want.
If you're sure you do love him, you have to tell him so he can make up his mind if he still loves you. Ignoring it will slowly poison everything you two have anyway
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (9 September 2015): @ previous male anon."Everyone makes mistakes" except for the millions of people who never cheat on anyone in their entire lives. When you lie about cheating, you lie to your partner about who you really are and what you are really capable of. Take some fucking responsibility for your actions and give your partner what is rightfully theirs. They have the right to make their own choice about what kind of person they are with. You rob them of that right again every time you let them spend another minute with you not knowing the truth. The wrongdoing does not stop when you stop cheating, it stops when you quit LYING ABOUT IT.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (9 September 2015): In life sometimes shit "just happens". The guilt you feel is cause you are a good person but you are well aware that you made a bad mistake. Welcome to life! Now there are people who can learn from mistakes and take them for what they are which is lessons given to you to make you a better person, or there are people who believe they will go through a "perfect life" where mistakes only happen to other people. You need to forgive yourself for messing up. Lust is after all one of the 7 deadly sins. Being honest though will not make anything better. Your guilt will still be there only now your other half will know and most likely end the relationship. Although nothing to be proud of know you are not alone and that millions of people live with mistakes and guilt. Guilt will eat away at you buy does ease with time. Use it as a warning sign. Some days you'll be able to deal with it. Others you'll be swamped by it. Your guilt is just non acceptance. You need to say to yourself. Ok I fucked up i cheated and I feel like shit. This won't happen again because . . . Then draw a line under it. You can't change what has happened. To put things in perspective no one has died! You had a bit of fun with someone after consuming to much alcohol. Alcohol effects the brain and makes judgment poor. Hence drink driving. Please forgive yourself. We all mess up. No need to go telling everyone everything you have ever done wrong.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (29 August 2015): You should tell him.
It is critical for the strength of your future relationship. If he finds out later the impact on the critical issue of trust will be devastating.
It is the ethical thing to do.
Ask yourself, if the roles were reversed would it impact your relationship?
Seek help, you need to find some inner strength and peace.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (26 August 2015): Two wrongs definitely don't make a right.
You've been disloyal. Now you are about to be dishonest about it.
Do not trick the man into marrying a version of you that doesn't exist. His fiance is not loyal or trustworthy. Those are are things has a right to know before making a commitment to someone. He ought to be able to choose for himself whether he would like to forgive you and give you another chance. Yes he'll be hurt. But that ship has sailed. He has already been hurt, he just doesn't know it yet.
It's not enough to promise yourself you won't do it again because it's not your choice to decide to give yourself another chance.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (26 August 2015): Getting drunk and cheating, sometimes happen to the best of us. I will just write some ideas that pop up in my mind right now. I have cheated on the person I love while drunk, thing is I don't feel as guilty as you sound. If you truly love this guy and are planning to marry him, do not tell him, it will only break his heart. He will be so dissapointed in you and will never trust you with alcohol again. Now this will only end OK if no one else knows of what happened or if no one else tells on you. If they tell on you, only thing you can do is apologize and reassure him that he is the love of your life and that you are only human. You made a mistake, it does not make you a bad person. Also I found that time heals your sorrow, so get up and stop acting so miserable. He will notice something is wrong. Again this all comes down to how you can live with yourself in peace. Can you hide this from him, repent, and go about your daily lives as if nothing happened? Or will keeping this secret eat at your soul until you cannot recognize yourself anymore? I am good at keeping secrets and enjoying the experience life has thought me, but that is me. I am 29, married, with a one year old. I could never in a million years tell my husband what I have done, I would not want to hurt him like that or the image he has of me. What you don't know can't hurt you. One thing is certain, you have to decide asap what direction you will take, or this will keep torturing you, but something tells me that after a week of mulling it over, you already have an idea.
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A
female
reader, janniepeg  +, writes (26 August 2015):
 I would prefer not to analyze events in relationships because sometimes they may not be related to your inner world. If you want a meaning behind what you did which led to this, may I guess that it's you who subconsciously sabotaging a good relationship because of fear of intimacy? Or somehow you didn't believe you deserve happiness long term? I believe this depression had always been underneath the surface and the alcohol brought it up. It's not that you accidentally cheated and then you got depressed. Some people had to go through a dark knight of the soul to realize how strong they really are. I believe you can come out of the other end OK, but you must not fight your feelings but embrace them gently.
I don't think it's a good idea to tell him. True that revealing deep feelings can strengthen the bond, but this is not one of them. After you got your feelings sorted out you can tell him instead, how you had grown and got in touch with who you really are.
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A
female
reader, cynthia does wonder +, writes (25 August 2015):
Please don't be that hard on yourself.. from now on either dont drink or drink only with your boyfriend.... please forgive yourself. It is in the past.. and I understand what you are feeling, but please focus on the love for your boyfriend and focus on the positives in your life. I feel bad you are going thru this but things will be okay.. make every minute special with your boyfriend.. I wish you the best...
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (25 August 2015): Don't beat yourself up about it anymore, it's apparent you have already done this many times already and it's consuming your every thought.Whilst I don't condone what happened, you acted out of character and it was a mistake - like you and your friends said you were a different person.My advice is not to tell your boyfriend as it won't help the situation. What may help is speaking to someone you can confide in to get everything off your chest (and mind) - if this is a therapist then it's completely your choice. If you really want a future with your boyfriend do everything and anything you can to deal with your current thoughts/depressed state, and to prevent something like this happening again.Things like this do happen if you lose control and drinking is most often the main cause. I wish you all the best x
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