A
male
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:Hi,About six weeks ago, me and my fiancee (although now I feel reluctant to call her that) decided to go on a break as we began to experience some troubles in our relationship due to various stresses. We agreed to speak two weeks after the beginning of the break, which we did and it seemed to go well and we agreed again to speak in another two weeks. However, the two weeks ended and I heard nothing, so I gave it another week and contacted her.Although our conversation previously was okay and I felt like I wanted to try again with her, the emails we now exchanged were quite the opposite. I repeatedly admitted that I'd made a mistake and tried to apologise, but her replies were very bitter, condescending and bordering on narcissistic - she refused to acknowledge my apologies and admissions, instead replying with lists of things I'd done wrong. I was made to feel as if I was always wrong and she was always right. She had, however, also admitted she felt differently about me.When we had discussions on serious subjects, if she disagreed with my opinion she'd snap and I'd go silent as I knew if I said anything else an argument would break out.She also has no ambitions. She takes up to five days to reply despite finding the time to sit on Facebook posting 20 things a day which made me feel second best and not worth her time, despite being told she wanted to try again also.Now, though, I do not feel like I wanting to retry our relationship. We're trying to agree to arrange meeting soon (which is a bit hard when she doesn't reply for ages) to discuss things through, but I don't want to cause her to waste money on travel. I wrote a list of things to talk about which came to about 15 in total and I now realise I don't want to be with her again, but I fear telling her this will cause her to get extremely angry and possibly turn our mutual friends against me, despite this also being very hard for me. I think she'll also act as if we're partners again by hugging and going to kiss me. I'm also worried about how my family will react as all they know is that we're on a break without knowledge of the inner details.Furthermore, I met someone a few nights ago and we went back to hers, nearly having sex. The whole time we spent together I found her very nice, pleasant and fun and everything we did in the bedroom was much more fun than the sex I'd been having with my partner for a few months. I got this person's phone number and we spent most of yesterday evening/night exchanging texts adding to my interest in her. I don't feel any guilt or regret in this (partly because of the break) and it in fact made me feel very uplifted.What would you say is the best course of action here? Go to the meeting (if it ever happens) or maybe instead make a Skype call to save all the awkwardness and spending of money? This is also my first serious relationship so breaking up is a new thing to me.
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, Honeypie  +, writes (26 August 2015):
 Don't bring up meeting someone new.
Be honest with your "fiance" and tell her that you see no future together. Just because she might get mad, it's NO reason to stay together.
Seems like you already have a foot out the door anyways.
So what's it going to be stay with her and cheat, be miserable? Or ADMIT that it isn't working and end it?
She can send you all the nasty e-mails she wants after the break up (you can JUST make them go to the spam folder)
Don't complain about being unhappy IF you are not WILLING to do what YOU need to do it end it.
And yes, being drunk is NOT an excuse. You cheated. That's the fact. Do you HAVE to tell your "fiance" ? no. You have plenty of reasons not to stay together, but you are BOTH sitting on your hands hoping the OTHER one will be brave and break up, JUST so YOU don't have to "look" bad for dumping her. COME on.
Life is too short to be with someone who makes you miserable.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (26 August 2015): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks for the replies.
I realise that what happened on the weekend shouldn't have done. We were both drunk at the time also (this doesn't make it justifiable, I know) but nevertheless I found her to be fun while the person I was "engaged" to had become boring and our relationship and the sex was very monotonous, despite me trying to suggest new things.
As I mentioned, she's also become rather self-righteous which adds to the being nervous to break-up stuff as I almost know that she's going to try to guilt-trip me with a long email or verbal attack.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (26 August 2015): "Being on a break does not mean you are single and free to date others. It is a break to figure out how to make or not make a relationship work."
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A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (25 August 2015):
Well for one, I think you made a HUGE mistake going home with another girl while your "relationship" is up in the air.
Being on a break doesn't mean you are now single and FREE to date others. It is a BREAK to figure out how to make or not make a relationship work.
With that said. Your "fiance" doesn't seem that interested in continuing so why not... tell her you think that maybe it's better to make the break permanently. As for your mutual friends, well you can't control how they feel about it, think or what they will do. Staying WITH her just so you won't rock the boat is a kind of cowardice.
If you are in a LDR then yes, arrange a Skype chat. But don't make it about the "list" of 15 issues or this new girl - but that you honestly don't see it will work long term.
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