A
male
age
51-59,
anonymous
writes:Hi, I want to vent and maybe get some perspective from Aunts here. I read the site often.I'm an average guy, been married for almost 15 years and together for about 20 years with my wife. We have many children and most of the time we have a great marriage. People have told me they envy us. But there are a few things that leave me feeling empty. My wife doesn't communicate. She doesn't message me while I'm at work or text me ever. She doesn't write me notes. She doesn't EVER say anything spontaneous to me unless I've been complaining about how she's not a communicator. Over the years I've learned to complain less. It gets her upset and things change for a day or two and then we're right back where we were.We have pretty good sex, but it's not great. She's not selfish and not too inhibited, but she rarely initiates. She never takes out the toys unless I ask. She says she doesn't masturbate when I'm not around. I have a very high sex drive. I sit at work and think about her, and wish she were messaging me to tell me that she's thinking of me, but she never does. I bring up sex almost every day and she never does, unless it's for a quickie. A night of love-making is never something she plans. It's a part of the night she'll plan, but it's not the goal for her. I don't care about watching movies and all that stuff, it's all just lead-in to sex, and I want the sex to last all night and be kinky and loud. After I make her come a couple of times and then we come together she's pretty much done, and she doesn't really like to cuddle much, she just wants a cigarette and she says sex gets her all woke up. So even after good sex she's looking to get up and I feel empty, lonely. I don't feel like she's enjoying it as much as she can, I don't know if she is. She looks like she's enjoying it but she never wants more and then there's no "WOW that was awesome, I love your dick. You felt so good inside me." I just have to have faith.She never makes out with me anymore, and she pulls away from my kisses every time. I guess I can kiss her all day, and she's always thinking about what she has to do next after we're done kissing. She never puts her tongue in my mouth unless I do first. Typing this out hurts me, I really hate that she doesn't seem to have any real *fiery* passion for me.We're both getting older now and I feel myself wanting more. I watch amateur porn and see other women acting in a way my wife doesn't act. We never do it again after I come - or, rarely anyway. She doesn't scream. She won't tell me that it's hot, she's wet, I'm huge inside her. When I've tried to encourage her to be more vocal, it's like I'm putting words in her mouth. She'll respond a bit and then, nothing ever original or surprising. She's not dead in the sack, but... there's something missing. There are other issues too. We don't fight often but she's just... not a good conversationalist. When we talk she always tells me things that happen to her, repeats conversations she's had with others. I find myself saying to her often "you had to be there I guess." Ha, ha, that wasn't funny or interesting. I don't need to hear her schedule for the day. I want her to get to the point, and have a point that doesn't involve some story. She's really boring me to be honest. Please don't hate me for saying this, I love her SO much, but I feel like I'm talking to a 16 year old. She doesn't read up on things, current events, unless it's the topic of the week on all the news channels. She never asks me what I think about something, or has an original thought of her own it sometimes seems. I don't know why this wasn't an issue when we were younger but it wasn't.I don't want to complain more, there are a million things that I LOVE about her. But if I met her today I don't know if I would want to fall in love with her. There's this magic between us, she's my best friend and I can tell her almost everything, but she's not my intellectual equal. And this is the reason I'm typing this... I feel lonely. I feel like she's there for me but doesn't have that much to offer me. I feel young and can't imagine I'd ever throw away everything we have, I wouldn't want to betray our relationship and life together. But I long to have someone to connect with more, intellectually and sexually. I really just wish SHE would become that person, but I've tried communicating this sort of thing MANY times over the years and, well, you can't really change someone.I'm not looking for some perfect answer, just maybe some validation. And I wanted to vent. Please give me some feedback and don't judge me, I'm happy but hurting, I'm very fortunate but just not content. Maybe she feels the same way, wishes I were a different person, I don't know. I'm not blaming her, I don't think it's anyone's fault. I just wish these feelings would go away.Is this a common mid-life bump? I'm not miserable, but I'm not ecstatic either, and I want to be. It's my nature, I don't do things half-way, I'm passionate.
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female
reader, Moo's Mum  +, writes (9 August 2011):
 After rereading your post I'm wondering if you leave her notes or message her during the day. If you are not then maybe you should start she might get a kick out of it and catch on to the idea. However I must also add hardly anyone I know does this with their husbands and wives so you are not alone in not receiving messages and notes.
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (7 August 2011): "I watch amateur porn and see other women acting in a way my wife doesn't act. "
Porn isn't real, even amateur porn. It's acting, it's not real, it's not real, and it's not real.
Learn to live a real life with her with real expectations.
My advice, get a professional couples counselor, and talk about these uncomfortable things.
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A
female
reader, RedAthena +, writes (6 August 2011):
 Loving someone is often like having a magnifying glass. If you focus on just one thing at a time, that is all you will see. You will see the enormity of imperfections.
Step back a bit and gain some perspective and look at your marriage as a whole and everything that you DO have that is wonderful and lovely.
There are two things that you wish had more energy-conversation and sex.
RE: Conversation-do some research on marriage enrichment courses, retreats, weekend getaways that teach couples how to become more emotionally intimate with eachother.
It sounds like you wish she would be closer to you, more into you, etc. Ok, there is where you need to change your thinking and your wording.
A woman will hear you say "Talk to me, be closer to me, come here to me, want me, crave me, be HUNGRY for me.."
ALL those are GOOD things to want!! :D I am happy to see a married hubby want his marriage to be better with his wife, rather than run off to find it elsewhere!
But,the way you are presenting them is pulling, pressuring, etc. Just like some men complain about the pressure of women wanting to know if they are going to get committed and married...well, when you pull her after all these years to be MORE passionate and connnected...she might second guess herself and think if you really cared about her all this time?
You tell her that you want the BOTH of you to grow closer TOGETHER. Use words like WE. Think of the two of you as a TEAM. Right now, you might becoming across as "Here is what you can do for me". Discuss things the TWO of you can do together that are mutually meaningful. See if she is open to finding a marriage enrichment group..preferably one that covers emotional and sexual intimacy in some great little weekend setting where the two of you can get away from work, the kids, and responsibilities at home.
RE Sex-You would like to just get down and dirty right away.
Many women can not go from 0-60 in 20 seconds. Your wife wants that together time FIRST (movie, dinner, doing "nothing") before getting to the bedroom.
Maybe SHE would like more of THAT stuff where you just talk, snuggle, etc. You want to watch a woman REALLY open up and trust you? Give her a night of pleasure, an "All about You" night. Sometimes a woman needs to see that you want to please her, because you really want her to be pleased, not as a means to an end for your own payback.
Keep in mind that your wife, is not your personal sexual vending machine. She is not there to meet every need and nuance of your sexual appetite.
Married sex is a little like dining in the same resturaunt every night. In your case, you have been ordering off the same menu for 20 years. It is reasonable that you would be a little bored. Your wife has been bringing satisfying meals to the table all this time, and you are asking for them to be sent back to the kitchen for more finesse to spark your interest. (Again not a bad thing! Variety is awesome!) It is all about how you ask or suggest.
You want your wife to rev up? Make her feel like someone you cherish. Treat her as well in a non sexual way as you do in your sexual relationship.
Re PORN. If we all got paid and made a living at having Sex on camera ,we would make sure we always did our best, sounded our best, looked our best and screamed the loudest.
That is Sexual ACTING. Unfortunately, you can not turn someone who is mostly sexualy introverted into an extrovert simply because you wish it so. You are asking her to be someone she is not. However, you mention that she RESPONDS to your initiative. That should tell you she wants to please you, but if you keep asking for more....you might be making her feel like she is not good enough.
If you keep watching PORN, you are going to keep comparing her to Porn Stars. Let's get real, there IS NO COMPARISON! Perfect bodies, willing to comply with every sexual act with amazing gusto and squealing. Reality check-in thier real lives with their real off camera lovers, many porn stars comment their sex lives are quieter, less athletic, and sometimes non-orgasmic! Sex has become their JOB, a role to play, a task at hand.
Women lose their motivation to try for MORE, when what they bring is addressed as "It's good, but theres something missing". It just is female psychology. If you appreciate what your woman brings just "as is", often she motivates HERSELF to bring more!
You ARE validated to want more! You are validated to say "Im bored and I want to keep things hot with my wife!".
But, you need to honor who SHE is. She needs to honor who you are. Then you need to honor the marriage itself and find a mutually satisfying middle ground.
Neither one of you will get ALL you want. It's impossible.
Go to the woman you love. Step back and gain some wider focus and see the woman you chose for your companion, focus on the wondeful things and watch them become bigger and bigger and more cherished in your mind. See the woman that is the Mother of your children, your daily mate, your lover and more...and think, how does she feel about YOU?
Best Wishes.
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A
female
reader, aligrl4life +, writes (6 August 2011):
You need to be telling this to your wife. Reading this post I thought my husband wrote it. You both have alot of the same feelings. After 30 yrs together he feels lonely and wants intemency feels he has been dead for most of our relationship and wants a divorce. Please do not let it go any further show your wife your post so she can understand and you can work it out together. I wish my husband would have come to me sooner so we could have worked it out because there is nothing i would have done to make it work.
Get the book "the seven principles for making a marriage work by John M Gottman PHD it is an eye opener and will give you the means needed for a healthy relationship.
Good Luck
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A
male
reader, MikeEa1  +, writes (6 August 2011):
 you haven't got it too bad mate. women generally are a lot less aggressive sexually than men. they also loose their hormones a lot quicker and earlier than men. they can take hrt but there's supposed to be a cancer risk. a lot of women your age couldn't care less if they never had sex again. the communication problem is important. I guess when people get used to each other they think they don't need to talk so much anymore. you do need to talk. I noticed this problem in my marriage, that my wife stopped talking to me. that would be a good thing to try and fix. maybe counselling. the relationship is never going to be the dynamite it was in the eaarly years you must accept that. but it's got to be comfortable and mutually satisfying, not perfect but worth it.
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A
female
reader, Moo's Mum +, writes (6 August 2011):
Every marriage worth it's salt goes through lots of ups and downs along the way.
I'm probably a bit like your wife and I've become that way since having kids. I love having sex with my hubby but I don't ever think about it during the day or plan to have it at night or even initate it very often. I'm also crappy at talking to him at night because I get so talked out by the kids that I just don't want to talk at all. I just want to sit quietly and let my mind go blank and not have to think about anything.
Dealing with kids all day takes a lot out of me and I wonder if this is your wife's problem too. Sometimes we just feel like everyone wants something from us and no one wants to give us anything in return. Guys think sex is a great way to spend a night but when you've been hung off and pawed at all day by children it's just too much to then have to pleasure someone else as well. I hope this is making sense. It doesn't mean we don't like sex just sometimes it sensory overload and sleep and oblivion is all we crave.
Something you might like to try with her is doing stuff for her like cooking the tea, washing the dishes, vaccuming etc. When my husband does things like that for me it makes me feel like he really cares about me and then makes me want to please him.
The other thing he does for me that makes me love him to pieces is take the kids away for half a day so I can have the house to myself. Mothers are very rarely at home by themselves and we crave it. I think that's why we "switch" off so we can escape the constant demands.
Also I really think you should tell her how her lack of communication with you makes you feel. Do it very carefully. I would bring it up when she has told you she loves you then you can say something like:"I love it when you say things like that to me. I really need to hear that from you. I'd love it if you could do it more often because I really need it.
You really do sound like the kind of husband people dream of and I take my hat off to you for you sensitivity. All the best I hope I've helped.
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