A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:I have been going out with my bf for about 2yrs and 3months now, we live together and all. we arent going to have kids for a while as we are both not ready. im 21 and he is 27. the other day i brought up kids with him..and i said i was abit worried about having kids with him because of his family illnesses, im not judging his family, but im scared if i do have his kids, theres a chance they might not be healthy. his brother has epilepsy and his other brother has shcitzophrenia i think, and his nan just passed away with demensia, although alot of ppl have this(so sad). he says its all normal and doesnt understand how i feel. i dont wanna feel like the bad guy. now i dont really wanna have kids with him in the future because of this. until he understands. i know its normal for him coz he grew up with them, but its not normal for me. and i dont think i could look after my kids and do stuff for them for the rest of my life like his mum does. its kinda like..i think being gay is normal coz i grew up with gay aunties and friends, but he doesnt think its normal. advice? Reply to this Question
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female
reader, person12345  +, writes (6 August 2011):
 I think any family is going to have a risk of different illnesses. If it's not the mental problems, almost every family has SOMETHING. If we were talking something like Huntington's that would be different (also because you can test for it). It's true there is an increased risk of mental issues, but there's always a health risk when having children. There are genetic diseases, there are seemingly random diseases, there are mutations, unless everyone in his family died before the age of 40 from some rare condition, I wouldn't say his genes are "bad."
A
male
reader, Danielepew  +, writes (6 August 2011):
 Having a child is always a leap of faith. Of course, if you KNOW for sure that you have a disease you can pass on to your children, then it would seem a good thing to do not to have children. But sometimes what to do is not as clear as you think. Are we going to tell all the diabetics in the world that they should have no children?
Beyond that, I think you're not that much in love with your boyfriend. I can't point my finger at it, but my experience is, when you truly love someone, you tend to skip or minimize any defects they (or their families) may have.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (6 August 2011): Firstly, I think you're getting ahead of yourself and worrying about a hypothetical situation. Since you don't plan on having kids and you both aren't ready for the commitment, then why worry about tending to his relatives? Secondly you're denying exactly what you're doing while you're doing. You ARE judging him by his relatives. You are making a rational judgment, by looking at his family medical history and noticing his genetic lineage seems to have medical problems. It may hurt his feelings, but the good part about it is that you are identifying what you can't put up with...for instance playing nurse to his family members. There is a value in knowing this. But unless he's asked you to have his children and look after them (or you're having sex without a condom), then you're venturing into the purely hypothetical. You're young...you have a lot of changing to do when you enter your 20s. You are never quite the same person when you enter and exit that decade. Hopefully you are dating him for what he does for you, not for a fantasy future. I'd keep my worry on the back burner until having his children becomes a real issue, not a hypothetical one.
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A
female
reader, Moo's Mum  +, writes (6 August 2011):
 Honestly I would talk to someone who specialises in inherited conditions to see what the risks are. I have a friend who's husband has epilepsy and none of her children have it. I don't think dementia is an inherited condition it's a brain deteriation that happens to some people. Get some concrete information so you can stop worrying.
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