A
male
age
36-40,
*earjohnits
writes: Hello, my problem is this. I've been with a girl for nearly 2 years. I had liked her for some time before and eventually we came together. It was a weird twist of fate for me since this thing usually does not happen, and I was thrilled. I thought she was so cool and cute, and enjoyed her idiosyncrasies. Over the past two years however the little things I found cute now just seem annoying, it bugs me that she is not as intelligent as i am and its hard to have a stimulating conversation with her. I think this bugs me the most. She aways wants to come when I am with me mates which isnt that big of a deal, except I usually have to leave early when shes tired and wants to go home. Our interests are similar, although a good amount of it is just my influence on her tastes. But she really does love me, shes faithful and very sweet, and I have strong feelings for her too. We have been through alot together and shes not as bad as it may seem when I describe her. She has her good moments. When I put this in context of how I felt two years ago, I seem like a jerk. I really am a humble guy and it seems bizarre that I'd be complaining about her. I used to think how lucky I would be to ever be with a girl like her. I dont want to break up with her. I would miss her too much, I'm quite accustomed to her being around (even if at times it is too much), and would never in a million years want to do anything to make her cry. Sometimes I feel happy and satisfied with her and think things wil be alright, and resign myself to a life together. But a good 50% of the time I think about what im missin and I still get crushes on girls who I feel would be more what I am looking for. I feel the way I do when I was single and get excited and giddy when I talk to a girl that interests me, and then just feel let down and ashamed when reality hits me that theres no hope for that. I want to stop feeling like this. Theres a beautiful sweet girl whose in love with me but I cant be satisfied with it. Thats just not me at all. Im not a smooth serial dater or player or skeeze. i just want to be happy and it seems I cant fully achieve that with her or without her. Id tell her we need a break, and go experiance other things (shes had serious relationships before, i have not) to see how i feel, but if she was ever with another guy I wouldnt be able to face her again after and be forced to write her off. im confused and stuck. any advice?
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (15 January 2008): omg!!put it like this my ex was probably feeling the exact same way.we've been broken up for 2 months and i miss him soooooooooo much.i do agree with the others although you may not be used to space it can work to your benefit.but i blame myself for our break up and i really can't move on.i've tried over and over and over again.altogether we were dating for 2 years and he was my best friend.and just yesterday we became friends again because he was completely avoiding me.but i called him up and he said he wants to be back with me but he says he can't because now his family hates me.he lost his virginity to me but this recent break up he slept with another girl im not mad.i guess it made him realize how much he wants to be with me.please i beg you, learn to appreciate your girl, your not gonna love everything about her even if shes the one your meant to be with but a good girl is hard to find and a great girl even harder.i dont think shes doing any of this on purpose.just talk to her and im sure she'll work on it.believe me if you let her go she'll miss you but since you let her go you'll probably miss her more.good luck!!
A
female
reader, ButterflyKisses +, writes (15 January 2008):
I think this is a somewhat predicatable cycle for most healthy relationships. My husband (boyfriend at the time) went through the exact same emotions.
For many, it's the predictability and redundancy in a stable relationship that overcomes the once spontaneous relationship, which makes other women seem more appealing.
Obviously there are two choices: (1) take a break from the relationship or (2) add some spontaneity to your relationship.
It seems like you are disqualifying her for reasons that wouldn't or didn't bother you before. Are you searching for reasons to explain your feelings, or do these things really bother you (i.e. "...it bugs me that she is not as intelligent as i am and its hard to have a stimulating conversation with her..."). My husband, for example, isn't philosophically intelligent, and cannot converse about Plato or Descartes, but he can run circles around me when it comes to snow skiing and perfectly a 20 foot slalom spray. It amazes me to watch him and I'm completely intrigued by his abilities.
I say this because it's okay to not understand why you feel the way you do, but I wouldn't disqualify by saying that she doesn't match your intelligence.
I would be afraid, though, that you may not realize what you want, unless you take a break. You may always wonder, and that will only compound the situation.
I was hurt when my husband (boyfriend at the time) and I took a break. Okay, I was devastated, but when we reconciled - it was THE.BEST.EVER! When he came back to me, I knew that he truly wanted me and only me. There were no longer any questions about "missing something".
I wish you well!
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A
female
reader, ButterflyKisses +, writes (15 January 2008):
I think this is a somewhat predicatable cycle for most healthy relationships. My husband (boyfriend at the time) went through the exact same emotions.
For many, it's the predictability and redundancy in a stable relationship that overcomes the once spontaneous relationship, which makes other women seem more appealing.
Obviously there are two choices: (1) take a break from the relationship or (2) add some spontaneity to your relationship.
It seems like you are disqualifying her for reasons that wouldn't or didn't bother you before. Are you searching for reasons to explain your feelings, or do these things really bother you (i.e. "...it bugs me that she is not as intelligent as i am and its hard to have a stimulating conversation with her..."). My husband, for example, isn't philosophically intelligent, and cannot converse about Plato or Descartes, but he can run circles around me when it comes to snow skiing and perfectly a 20 foot slalom spray. It amazes me to watch him and I'm completely intrigued by his abilities.
I say this because it's okay to not understand why you feel the way you do, but I wouldn't disqualify by saying that she doesn't match your intelligence.
I would be afraid, though, that you may not realize what you want, unless you take a break. You may always wonder, and that will only compound the situation.
I was hurt when my husband (boyfriend at the time) and I took a break. Okay, I was devastated, but when we reconciled - it was THE.BEST.EVER! When he came back to me, I knew that he truly wanted me and only me. There were no longer any questions about "missing something".
I wish you well!
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A
female
reader, Sweet-thing  +, writes (15 January 2008):
 You don't mention if this is the first long term relationship for you so it's hard to tell if you have realistic expectations. You may be too young to settle down with just one girl at this point in your life, and this is where the real annoyance is coming from. But even the love of our lives, will sometimes annoy us. It can stem from too much of a good thing; and this is why it's important to have a little space so you don't feel smothered. You have to ask yourself how much you'd miss her if she weren't around? And how would you feel if she met someone else and wanted to break up? This will help you figure out where you're heart is at. It's possible that she really isn't that well suited for you, but you feel bad about getting out of the relationship and seeing what else is out there. You're young, take advantage of your youth. You'll know when you find the right one.
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A
female
reader, GemmaPemma +, writes (15 January 2008):
I think from what you've said you have grown appart, I think that your fond of this girl but your not in love with her anymore.
You've got stuck in a rut that shes always there more of an extremly close friend. why don't you suggest spending more time appart from each other maybe start seperate hobbies and see if this brings different conversation into the relationship.
best wishes,
Gemma
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A
female
reader, Laura1318  +, writes (15 January 2008):
 You should give each other a guy's night out and a girl's night out to resolve your current state of affairs.This can make your relationship more healthy and you don't get into each other's way.
Sticking together all the time can be boring and irritating at times.Gives each other some breathing space and you will find you will enjoy the best of both world.
We all grow everyday. Some grow in spurts while others grow slowly.There are times when we view our partners and find what we once like about her may not be enjoyable now.
When you are in love, you have to sacrifice your liberty .That is the price you will have to pay.
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A
male
reader, Koragos  +, writes (15 January 2008):
 I have had this feeling also man. Maybe a small break would do you well? How often are you two contacting eachother maybe slow it down and just relize how much you need her.
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