A
male
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:Hello Aunts.I need some insight. Currently I am engaged and in love. She is everything I could ask for in a woman. Our relationship went through one huge road bump. She used to keep in contact with her ex boyfriend even though she knew it made me uncomfortable. I won't tell the long story, but the short version is she met him for lunch on a trip home she made without telling me. It caused us to break up for a couple of days. We got back together after she apologized repeatedly and said she would cut all contact. She did. Since then she has been amazing. I felt her completely different after that. More loving, it was just as if she had finally completely given herself to me as I had to her.So we are going to get married in one month. A big factor for me is marrying a woman that has not had a promiscuous past. I understand to most people the number of past partners doesn't matter but to me it does. I have had this discussion with her and she has been open with me. She's said she has had 3 previous partners and I'm the 4th. I have had 2 previous partners and her being the 3rd.I am ok with this number but sometimes I find myself wondering if she is being completely honest. I wonder for the following reasons. Before she met me, years ago, she went back home to visit family and (I found out through her emails with her permission) that she hooked up with her 1st ex boyfriend. When I asked her about this she first got mad, then really sad. She said she was extremely lonely and had no one. That she gave in, during her moment of weakness but wished it had never happened. I am not mad at her for this, I understand but the fact she didn't tell me makes me wonder what other things she hides from me. I realize she was ashamed and that's why she didn't tell me, but when I marry someone I don't want to have any secrets. I tell her everything. Another reason is that before meeting me she said she went on 22 dates over a span of 1 1/2 years. She said none of those relationships lasted more than 3 weeks. But i question it.Seriously? A single young woman, beautiful. On 22 dates and didn't sleep with one of them? 1 1/2 years without sex?I also question it because there have been multiple times where we are out eating and a guy comes up and says, "Oh, hey Liz. How have you been?" Which is followed with an awkward short conversation. She always introduces me as her fiance, but the look on her face is always kind of ashamed and kind of like, "Please don't say anything stupid..."(toward the guy)She is the type that liked to go out often and now she doesn't. She likes to stay home with me. Which also makes me think she already had all her fun and now wants to settle down.She is 27 and I am 23. All that said though, she doesn't seem like a dishonest person.Am I being paraniod? Maybe cold feet? Help...
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (25 February 2010): Female anon, if he could "just forget about it" then I don't think he would have come here asking the question. He knows he won't ever stop feeling this way, so he is TRYING to do the only thing he can do to deal with it - not marry someone with a past he can't handle. And now he suspects she's lying to him about that. The one factor that should be in his control.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (25 February 2010): honest to god relationships are about living the now not to be investigating about every aspect of her past which to her are meaningless, you are comming over as a paranoid person who thinks unless you know everything you cant trust them, there are things i dont tell my boyfriend, its not because i want to hide things from him but their just things that dont matter to me and him, I dont want to bring my ex's into our relationship all the time, its about me and him not about me and my past. this behaviour is one which can lead to being constatly wondering what she is getting upto and thats dangerous. Obviously her talking to her ex wasnt the best of moves, but like you said she has proven to you that she doesnt want to lose you and she broke contact.If you are going to marry her, marry her and concentrate on your furture together not bout each others past, it has nothing to do with the now,past is the past and thats where it should stay.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (25 February 2010): It does sound very suspicious to me. Very suspicious. Don't constantly beat her over the head with questions and talking about this issue if she already knows exactly how you feel. But just make sure there is no uncertainty about how important this is to you. It's your life. You get to choose who you are marrying. Nobody has the right to rob you of that choice just because they don't wanna deal with the consequences of their own past choices.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (25 February 2010): Thank you. You are right. I guess I just needed to hear it. Seriously, both answers really helped.She is truely an amazing woman. And I can't imagine myself without her.So forget the past. It doesn't matter. As long as she is with me now, loving me, faithful to me, I will take her as my wife. Thanks!
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A
female
reader, Laura1318  +, writes (25 February 2010):
 What happened in the past is history and you cannot changed it.
What made you fall in love with her in the first place?
Did you fall in love with her because of her past or because she had all those qualities you seek in a wife?
Does her past matters?
If it did , you should not have fallen in love with her in the first place.
If you truly love her, you should not care at all about her past and how many guys she went to bed with .
You should start on a strong foundation and if you start your marriage on a weak foundation , your marriage is like a house build on sand. When the waves(problems) come , it will collapse.
Stop those negative thoughts and replaced it with positive thoughts of your future wife.
Do you want to be happy or do you want to be miserable ?
You have the capacity to think ,so chose wisely.
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A
male
reader, rcn +, writes (25 February 2010):
 Who is she with? What matters now, her past or your future? You've had how long to decide the truth and call it off if that's what you wanted to do? Isn't that kind of like saying, "she's good enough to sleep with, but not good enough for marriage?"
If you marry her, it's because of the love you have for her. You say "I do", you're starting over, no past, just you and her and the decision to spend your lives together. Don't let the past separate you from what's really important. Dwelling can destroy. If you love her, and can't see being without her, drop the past and say "I do."
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A
male
reader, fluffyman +, writes (25 February 2010):
Its hard not to be nervous when you're close to marrying. From what you wrote, it sounds like you really love her. We all have our faults, but i feel that whether she is lying or not, she is committed to you as much as you are to her. It sounds like she is perfect for you, and that she is not the devious type of person. We all have had some people in our past that we regret, and if she is nervous around someone she used to know, it probably has less to do with you and what you don't know than her personal feelings. Don't worry, you should consider yourself luck with her. Good luck
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