A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:I'll try to make this short. The man I really loved/love broke up with me approx. 7 months ago. We went our own ways for a while and then one day (2 months ago), we found ourselves in bed together. Since then, we have been hanging out when he's in town, and he has gradually been calling more, and has taken me out a few times. It's been casual and fun. I've missed him so it's been nice. Just recently, we had the talk about where we're at (initiated by me) and so far it's "we're going out on dates, but not dating." He says he wants to take it slow, see where it's progressing, and not jump back into a relationship right away. Now, the last month of us being officially together, we fought more than necessary (I admit I wasn't being myself), but our relationship had been really good other than that. He didn't like the fighting and that's why he broke it all those months back. I see where he is coming from, but I don't like being in a grey area. I've never been "going on dates and not dating" in my life, and while it was fun and amazing at first, I don't know whether to get my hopes up that it will progress into more, or spare myself the torture of being foolish about things. In the back of my mind, I wonder, maybe it wasn't the fighting, but maybe I'm not quite "it" for him. Or worse, he's not committing to me because there is something else going on. At times I wonder if I was more meaningful to him, wouldn't he take a chance and date me again? At the same time, I respect him for taking it slow and being smart about things if he is telling the whole story. Maybe he sincerely doesn't want to rush it. Right now he is living several hours out of town. We see each other when he comes into town. He wants me to come visit, but since I'm not his gf, I want to, but not sure I'm being a fool. When he come to my city, he's always got other business here other than just coming to see me. I want to be smart about this. Should I take a chance and go spend a few days with him... or wait until I'm more of a priority than an option--and he knows more of what he wants! Thanks so much in advance for any advice! I really appreciate it.
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male
reader, shane in dallas  +, writes (11 October 2009):
 Gray area is not bad. Repeat: gray area is not bad. It is where relationships learn their way and feeling grow and change. If he's spending his time with you then he's not spending it with someone else. You needing the 'label' is most likely just your insecurities, and therefore, a personal issue for you to deal with within yourself.
Now dealing with that: Relax into the relationship as it is. Enjoy your time together, having the fun you two usually have. There's a lot of life issues without adding extra stress to the time you have together. Try and look at the other side of the coin: He's with you and you are who he is with. He probably also sees you're with him. If you let the relationship take its course, you'll enjoy the ride.
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