A
female
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anonymous
writes:Dear CupidI have a cousin named Dee..she's 2 years older than me (28) and she has always bounced from place to place..but first let me give you some background..:)She quit school 3 weeks before graduation and ran off to marry her BF, after realizing he was an abusive jerk she already had 2 kids with him. She never worked, and while they were married they bounced from apartment to apartment because he only worked odd jobs.She later lost custody of her sons for being an unfit parent. her and her husband split not too long after that, and she began bouncing from relationship to relationship. She never worked, and has leeched off of anyone who will offer to help her. My aunt let her live with her under the condition that she work for her and put the money away for an apartment of her own.She'd saved over a thousand dollars, took it and went on vacation with her then BF, blowing it all in a matter of days.Now she's living with a guy who is out till all hours of the night, doesn't work, and doesn't show her any attention.Her father just recently passed away, so her and I have been talking via yahoo for a while now. She comes to me nd tells me how he treats her.I told her that she needs to get a job and stop messing around. She says to me..."Well. I dunno, I might be BiPolar...so I don't think I should work right now"I'm on disabilty because I have CP, so I tried to explain that getting money from the government for Bi-Polar disorder is not easy, and can take years...She said nothing to that.She then said to me "I wish my mom would just give me a place to live, like yours did." because after I was on the streets after falling out w/ my mom she mortgaged a place and said I could live here as long as I paid the mortgage.I've tried telling her that it's not as easy as that...that my fiancee pays the rent with a JOB and I get my SSI...she doesn't want to hear it..Am I being a hypocrite here? I mean...is she right? did I get the easy way out?How can I help her?How can I make her understand what it really takes just to survive?thanks.. (Sorry this was soo long.. :P )
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female
reader, DeeDoc +, writes (28 January 2007):
 THESE ARE MY THOUGHTS: I agree (again) with Malyce. Your mother gave you an alternative with responsibilty along with it. You are holding up your end. Why feel guilty? I applaud you for being there for your cousin and as I see it, you are showing her, by your own actions, that responsibility WORKS. Living with a physical/mental disorder is not easy. I know (RA). You have a condition and making the best of it. Your cousin apparently comes to you for support because you show her "light at the end of the tunnel". But, there is a thing called tough love. She cannot do this on her own. Medication is in order for her if she is, in fact, bipolar. But, do not beat yourself up about her situation. You are trying your best to make her realize that she needs to step up and take action, as you did. Some people just refuse to take advise until they have reached what I would call DESPAIR. Good luck sweetie and I hope all the best for your cousin. I hope that she seeks out help for what she feels is bipolar.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (28 January 2007): Advice is generally something you try to influence others with ideas of how to proceed with things in a given scenerio. Unfortunately, though advice may be sound, it cannot universally apply to every single individual, and you're no exception. Often people associate hypocricy way too loosely with someone the originator had said/expressed in trying to help the 2nd person or party. However, as hinted in my comment here, an individual may have other influences in their lives that make what they say/express contradict or counter how they themselves act or go about doing things.
Eg: If I my mental thought processes, decade and a half long experiences throughout different periods, etc have helped conditioned the way I am, and knowing that what I do and have done isn't something that others should go through, I would dish out advice based on those experiences. The 2nd person may point fingers at me and call my a hypocrite, but s/he hasn't gone through what I've gone through. S/he hasn't felt what I have felt. It's easy to point fingers when you have your own scenerios and issues than that of this other person. Advice is a frame work, a guideline of sorts.
In short, I wouldn't say you're a hypocrite. This is individual flexibility and not written doctrine.
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A
female
reader, cd206  +, writes (28 January 2007):
 We're all hypocrites to a certain extent. I've often found myself giving advice on this site knowing that in the asker's position I'd probably do the opposite of what I'm advising. I think your feet are more firmly on the ground than your cousin. I get the hunch from reading your post that your cousin is the kind of person who always makes excuses for the bad stuff that happens in her life, that quite often is her fault and can't be explained away. If she does have bipolar I'm very sorry for her and I hope she can get the help she needs but don't feel like a hypocrite for supporting her. The way she's going you could well be her only friend soon.
CD
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reader, anonymous, writes (28 January 2007): No.
Having a disorder that may be overwhelming and face it; hard to live with. It effects your life in ways we cannot begin to imagine.
As a parent; we have the obligation to take care of and provide for our chidrens needs indefinitely. So hurray Mom.
Mom was wise enough to lay down some fair ground rules, informed you of your responsibilities and the consequences for not keeping the rules.
You are keeping them so...what is there to feel guilty about?
It is unfortunate that if she is bi-polar...which she needs help for so that she can have some sense of "normality"...so that she can have some sense of control over her life, moods, and the events otherwise she will feel out of control and make decisions that will cause her heartache and grief.
Just be grateful and do your best to support an encourage and when you feel she is stepping out of line...tell her that wasn't necessary to say that, it hurt my feelings, please don't do that.
She'll catch on and if not. Just let her be for a few days til she apologizes and forgive.
Just make sure you both get some support; living with disorders requires good support.
Best Wishes.
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