A
male
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:ok first time asking something like this, but I dont know where else to go (not paying for a shrink lol).Im 23 now, and basically it seems like no matter what i've done my whole life women just arent interested in me in the slightest bit, and its starting to get me down.Im not really a shy person, if I have something to say, I will say it, it doesnt matter what it is or who im saying it to, however im not to great at small talk (with men or women), I just dont always know what to say to some people that I first meet, its kind of hit or miss on if I can talk to someone. I feel like this probly doesnt help me that much but I dont know what to do about it.It also seems like EVERY girl I happen to meet is MUCH more interested in my friends. People say find new friends but I have a few different groups that I hang out with and its always the same with women, and my friends really arent all to interested in being friends when it comes to women, I try to hook them up (and have successfully) when they ask me to, but I never get the favor in return, they just end up talking to anything I might be interested in because the girls like them more then me.I used to think it was my weight, I was 6ft 230lbs for a while, but im 175lbs now and that didnt seem to help in the slightest bit (even my friends who are 300+lbs still get more women then me wtf).everyone says be yourself, I definately do that because im not fake, dont lie, backstab, etc.Everyone also says "dont worry about it just go party/have fun whatever and someone will come it happened to me and (X) amount of other people".....well that doesnt really happen and I say thats all bullshit.I did date one girl for about 3 years but I think all that did was ruin my life, unfortunately the only reason I got that girl was it was my cousins ex-girlfriend and I was just her scape goat out, 2 years into the relationship I found out she was the best liar i've ever met (im usually very good at telling), I got cheated on and all that good stuff and honestly dont even know if I can trust a girl ever again (since everyone cheats nowdays). This has made me put a wall up, and people will say not to, but that wall is staying, id rather die alone I think then go through a relationship like that again.So I dont really know what to do, I try to talk to women, but theyd rather talk to my friends, ive tried just bossin' up and asking them out, denied (hundreds of times, literally), tried losing weight/changing my appearance, did nothing.Im starting to just think im to ugly, i've overheard girls talk shit about me being ugly (dont worry I said something back), and its also kinda shitty how random girls will come over and flirt or try to talk to my friends and not me, my friends dont have to do shit except show up somewhere and wait for women, but with any approach I try it just dont happen.OK this is long enough and probly a huge rant now, thanks for reading, any responses appreciated, thanks!
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cousin, ex girlfriend, flirt, liar, shy Reply to this Question
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male
reader, urban.cobra +, writes (30 July 2008):
i don't know whats going on here either. i blame the american media for the reason why women don't seem to care for me. i think this country is brainwashed. they say ignorance is bliss. idk, whats up with you not being liked. for me i think its my awareness of the whole courtship, sexual relations, romance, love conundrums. i'm 24, and can't find anyone my age to like me. i don't think anybody knows what they are doing with themselves. i'm the type of person that does, so i guess a lot of people find that disagreeable. older women like it, but i don't like older women. its good to know older lady's think i'm a great guy, but i want to be with a girl in my own age bracket. its just not happening these days with the cute early twenties girls. i seen women go for dudes that have serious negative psychic energy. so thats not a problem. yeah i got strange ideas on my mind and am serious about my perceptions with the world, where are the women that like that sort of thing? i hear women say things about people that think outside the box and all that, how that is cool and desirable. well shit, thats me? why you ain't liking me? i think it was hitler that coined a phrase about how if you control the women of a nation, you control the men and the youth.so thats what i see going on here. women hold on to their ideology and you have to cater to that. but i just can't seem to get into the hipster boy thing. hell no. i'm a independent thinker, and that kind of shit gets you no play from the girls that just want to have fun. this is a battle of ideologies. just look around at all the media, tv, music, movies that girls like and compare that to truth and wisdom, that sort of stuff, and you start to get the picture. somebody is brainwashing the people to like stupid crap with no substance and fill their minds with that rather than wise, timeless rational information that allows you to think for your self and question authority.women is the most beautiful art there is. i like to run around and frolic through a forest with cute girls, i like to laugh and flirt with pretty girls, and i like companionship and everything about that is interesting to me. but young women don't seem to be into what i have to offer. old women, yeah, they are some cougars, but lord help me if i like young women, i'm 24 i should.
A
female
reader, les +, writes (18 July 2008):
Like I said before, attitude plays a lot. If you don't think that there aren't any decent women your age, you are not going to find any. There are plenty of decent women - but its not their job to change your perspective or make you happy.When you are happy and have a positive outlook on life, then they will come. The best analogy that I can think of is its kind of like applying to business school, since I'm in the process of doing that. The applicants that are so on track with their careers that they need to go to business school the least are the ones that get into Harvard. The ones that need that degree the most to help them out end up going to local state schools.I know it sucks, but thats kind of like the irony of life. So if you want a really good, decent girlfriend, get yourself to a gym, get your self a book on social graces, practice making small talk, get a therapist if you need to, and when you do all that and realize you don't need her to be happy, thats when she'll come.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (16 July 2008): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionthank you for the replies,
I didnt really mean to say I just yell at people or anything for no reason, im a really nice guy (probly to nice sometimes). What I meant more was that I dont consider myself shy because im not afraid of talking to people at all, I just have problems thinking of what to say if I dont know them (and if they're really shy its almost impossible for me to try and keep a conversation going).
as for women going for my friends, im not doing any anti-female body language that I know of, girls just think my friends are "so hot", ive been told by them many times. Even if I talk to a girl and things seem to be going well, next thing I know they are hooked up with my friends, and then it seems like all the girls just flock to them because the competition. I just dont know what else to say about the situation besides im apparently pretty ugly compared to them.
my perspective might play part too, I have a very negative view on most women, but I cant seem to find anything decent honest women in my age group these days. The happiness probably plays a factor, I had my life pretty on track when I was in a relationship (was happy and motivated for once), but after that ended, and times getting harder, a pretty big depression set in and its really hard for me to get out of it when life nor love life looks to be getting better anytime soon.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (16 July 2008): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionthank you for the replies,
I didnt really mean to say I just yell at people or anything for no reason, im a really nice guy (probly to nice sometimes). What I meant more was that I dont consider myself shy because im not afraid of talking to people at all, I just have problems thinking of what to say if I dont know them (and if they're really shy its almost impossible for me to try and keep a conversation going).
as for women going for my friends, im not doing any anti-female body language that I know of, girls just think my friends are "so hot", ive been told by them many times. Even if I talk to a girl and things seem to be going well, next thing I know they are hooked up with my friends, and then it seems like all the girls just flock to them because the competition. I just dont know what else to say about the situation besides im apparently pretty ugly compared to them.
my perspective might play part too, I have a very negative view on most women, but I cant seem to find anything decent honest women in my age group these days. The happiness probably plays a factor, I had my life pretty on track when I was in a relationship (was happy and motivated for once), but after that ended, and times getting harder, a pretty big depression set in and its really hard for me to get out of it when life nor love life looks to be getting better anytime soon.
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A
female
reader, Emilysanswers  +, writes (16 July 2008):
You say you aren't good at small talk due to being shy but are happy to shout at people an tell them exactly what you think of them to their face?
This is just a guess since I haven't met you but you may be coming across as arrogant if you are just silent and then make a harsh statement to someone out of the blue.
Also if you are looking at girls and they come over and chat to your mates, are you sure you aren't giving off anti-female body language. If you have been hurt badly then you might look at girls in clubs and expect them to do the same, or expect them to go for your mates not you. Girls can pick up on the fact you are assuming things / judging things about them and will not want to chat to you if they do.
Work on your small talk. Just ask loads of questions about her if there is a lull in the conversation. Work on being chatty to the girls that come to chat to your mates and let them see your personality.
Good Luck!! xx
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A
female
reader, les +, writes (15 July 2008):
You're not getting girls not because there is anything inherently wrong with you, you just need to change your attitude. A lot. First, you need to change your attitude about yourself. As much as you "try to be yourself" whatever that means, as long as YOU have doubts, everyone else will too. It kind of seems like you want to attract girls so that you will feel good about yourself, but it really works the other way around. So instead of "trying to be yourself", try "fake it until you make it". Work on your self-esteem. Second, you need to change your attitude towards women. Believe it or not, just as guys can easily pick out girls who are desperate, insecure, hate men, etc., we can very easily spot guys who have negative attitudes towards women. And guess what.. we're not gonna go and talk to someone who is just going to take out their past disappointments on us. So while I realize that you're hurt, you also need to realize that not all women are attached to a central command unit. So I think that if you think about these things, you'll be alright. But if you keep thinking the same way you are now, you're just going to keep meeting the same people over and over and just prove yourself right.
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A
female
reader, hannah37 +, writes (15 July 2008):
 you don't need a shrink. many people have these problems.
i don't think there's anything wrong with your personality.
and I'm sure your appearance is fine.
even though when you do find the right girl she won't care what you look like at all.
maybe it's the way you approach women...?
mabie it's just me but if a guy made a really bad first impression then i would have nothing to work with. nothing to be interested in.
try talking to girls you normally wouldn't talk to.
try finding new and more interesting ways to approach them.
maybe that will help you get the right women.
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A
male
reader, shady2012 +, writes (15 July 2008):
 "clothes dont make a person, a person makes the clothes"
you need to start loving you for you.. try to be happy with everything you got in your life. girls tend to have intrest in ppl who are happy. i know things can be hectic but you seem like a good guy. so things will come your way.
some advice. maybe your looking in the wrong places. you should do activities that you like or etc. and you may find someone there. if your desperate you usually dont find. things happen unexpectedly. i also had a ex who i was in love with she broke my heart i broke her heart. thought i coudl never find love again. and i was in hell was depressed. but life goes on. and i ended up meeting someone great. be happy with who u are. an u will shine and attract others and go with the flow. but dont lose your morals. goodluck bro~!
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