A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:Does anyone know someone with passive aggressive personality disorder? I believe my sister has this. She has always caused trouble, not so much now she's moved out. I will describe her behaviour which has started becoming quite obvious to me that it isn't normal.- LOVES sympathy from people. - LOVES making people feel guilty.- Accusing other people of being ungrateful and that they should thank her.- Picks up on faults alot.- Enjoys controlling other people and punishing them if they don't do what she says.- Likes to make people do things she knows they don't like.- Fails to give things back which she has borrowed.- I believe she plays people off against each other aswell.- Likes to blackmail.Is it genetic, my aunty is the same. What causes it?She may be jealous because I'm the youngest so I got more attention.
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reader, anonymous, writes (23 July 2013): Your sister may have some narcissistic tendencies.
People who exhibit passive aggressive behavior usually hide their true feelings. They suppress their anger and show it in indirect ways, instead of openly or direct.
They give left-handed compliments, or would say "yes" when the really mean "no." They don't say what they really mean, they tell you what you want to hear. They will pretend to forget doing something you really wanted them to do, instead of telling you they didn't want to do it.
A passive aggressive person would not directly insult you, they'd hide it behind a compliment. For example, they would tell you that they like your new hairdo; but think it might look better on someone a little younger.
If you tell them you were insulted, they would say you took it the wrong way.
You'd look like you were being over-sensitive. They really meant what they said. They drive people crazy by always acting as though what they said was taken the wrong way.
They pretend they're on your side, and will take a different stance when you're not present.
Passive aggressive people will drive you crazy; because they hide behind a mask of cool reserve. They'd rather do something sneaky; rather than confront you face to face.
That way, you would never have the opportunity to confront them or accuse them of anything.
They take an ambiguous approach and always come out looking innocent or misunderstood. They'd pick a fight by making a provocative comment, and touching a sore nerve. Then turn it around to make it appear the fight is your fault, because you've lost your temper. They look surprised and bullied, always the innocent victim.
A passive aggressive would rather go behind your back and turn people against you, than to face you head on. You can't place blame on them directly; because they know how to duck accusation.You can't quite make it stick. They'll make you look like you're falsely accusing them; based on a lack of evidence. Even when they're guilty as sin.
None of the behavior you describe about your sister is indirect. It is all blatant and deliberate. I think you may be confusing the two types of behavior.
Narcissistic people don't seem to feel guilt. They are controlling; and feel whatever they do, it is deserved by the target of their wrath. They can appear to be sweet and loving people on the service. They are are seething with deceit and rage and know exactly how to cut to the bone.
Narcissists need narcissistic supply. They need an unsuspecting victim. Someone helpless. Someone whom they consider weaker and stupid. They feel deserving of praise and admiration; even when it hasn't been earned. Once they destroy you, they're done with you; and look for another victim to take your place. A new supply source. They are very evil and destructive people. They strip you of your confidence, your self-esteem, and rob you of your life energy. They are cold and relentless.
We all have exhibit passive aggressive behavior and narcissistic behavior to some degree. We like to have our way, manipulate, and we hide our true feelings by pretending to be agreeable or like we like someone we really don't. We seem agreeable to get our way with people.
Don't be so quick to judge your sister so harshly. It appears you have designed her to be the ultimate in evil.
This is because you don't like her, or resent her.
You will not allow yourself to see anything but the evil in her. You want to influence others to perceive her as you do; although she is unable to defend herself. You've presented a one-sided story. So we would all have no choice but to believe this woman is the devil.
Be careful. Point one finger and three point back.
A passive aggressive is a type of personality. Some are well-practiced and experienced at being this way, and some people don't realize they are.
A
female
reader, chigirl  +, writes (22 July 2013):
 There is no such thing as passive aggressive personality disorder. Being passive aggressive isn't a personality disorder.
She doesn't even sound passive aggressive, she just sounds mean. It could, however, be genetic. It could also be learned behaviour, that has been adopted from someone in the family, since your aunt is the same.
But your sister does not have a personality disorder. She's just not a nice person, I'm afraid.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (22 July 2013): As a RMN ( registered mental health nurse ) I have to say that labeling your sister is not wise and is very bold ..Passive aggressive behaviour is non verbal in that here an example .. Two people have a disagreement .. One of them thinks, okey we have made up as they both said 'sorry' . Unbeknown to them, the other person is still seething they did not say very much at disagreement .. So they stop talking or taking calls, they shut off verbally, give angry looks, make obvious changes in behaviour, be obstructive, sulky or put up a stone wall. It may also involve indirectly resisting requests from others by evading or creating confusion around the issue. Not going along with things. It can either be covert (concealed and hidden) or overt (blatant and obvious).. That is passive agrressive... In regard to your sister I have to totally agree with the other aunt .. I think it's a clash of personalities .. If you can't get on. Then be warm and polite . As my mother would say manners and politeness don't cost anyone anything . Take care sweetie x
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A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused  +, writes (22 July 2013):
 I don't think this is passive aggressive behavior at all.
Passive Aggressive is best displayed by something I did to someone in college.
I was a freshman
she was a sophomore
one night at an out of control party I spilled beer on her ON PURPOSE... (i was young it was stupid)
the next day she showed up at my dorm room with her dirty clothes and told me to wash them.
I said FINE I would gladly wash them.
A week later she showed up to get her clothes and took them back dirty. I had not washed them. I had NO INTENTION of washing them. I told her I would.
she thought "she won" because she was "teaching me a lesson"
I just was not going to be taught. By telling her I would do something she wanted me to do and then NOT doing it ON PURPOSE I was being Passive Aggressive.
Many times ADHD folks forget things and they are labeled PA when they are not.
I do not SEE PA behavior here.
I see you seeking to make yourself feel like the "better" sister "she may be jealousy because I'm the youngest"
sounds to me like your sister and you are just two different people with different personalities that don't mesh. If you were not related you would have nothing to do with her and that's fine. We can pick our friends. WE can't pick our relatives.
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