A
male
age
51-59,
anonymous
writes:Dear All,I am 38 years old and left my wife after 16years of a less than satisfying marriage a year ago - we are currently going thru Divorce - we do however have a beautiful young son who is just the best thing in my life - he is 6years old.Anyhow, a few months after leaving my wife I met a young girl at a bar in Singapore - this bar is a mix of cultures and backgrounds but this girl was very open about being available for the right price. I took her home!From that day we saw each other every day since, in fact Sunday we met and I paid, Monday I took her straight from work as the bar opened, tuesday I met her at the bar as it opened and weds although I got there late she had clearly been waiting for me and I am certain she hadn't left previously with someone. I paid her on first 2 days and others not. I then paid off what she owed to the bar on thurs so she could leave the bar permanently, leave the scene and become my girlfriend. This she did!At the beginning she told me stories of how she was madly in love before moving from the Philippines to Singapore (which she had only been in 3 weeks when I met her) to an older guy and that although she was doing this work and had been for apx 2 years she really had only done it for a short period cos she stopped working when she was with her other boyfriend.I know this seems obvious but since then I have found out this was all a lie and actually she had been in the job constantly for 2 years and has admitted to having over 350 different sexual partners of all different credes and colours, although she says none meant anything and were literally sex for money - as she puts it "it could have been sex with a monkey for all I cared at the time".Today 8 months on, she is 6 months pregnant with my child as we have not spent a day apart since we met and have become very close.She tells me that my physical appearance is good and that I am of medium size in every manner. She tells me that she has never felt like this before and I am the first person she has really made love to. She tells me that yes some of the other guys were bigger in endowment both in length and width but that she really doesn't care cos I am what she likes and besides she doesn't like big ones....But she has made many changes to her stories over the time - I am certain she is not lying because she is a compulsive liar, I believe its more like childish fibs than lies, nevertheless today I am not sure what to believe.In addition, and I have been able get this verified by friends of hers independently, she has told me that she was rapped 3 times by her sisters husband at about age 7-8yrs and that her first "bar fine" (first guy to take her out of the bar for paid sex) also raped her.Lastly her mother and father are both dead having both died in the same year when she was 18years old. I have been to her village in the jungle and this is clearly true as is most of what I know have been told as being the truth as various persons that know her have told me it's true and I was a little sneaky and cheeky in how I obtain the answers (for another time but save to say I just had to know the truth to give this my best shot and not to desert her).I recognise this is a very unusual situation - I am in love with her and she says she loves me - although she will only say it if I tell her first or if I ask her to tell me - she is extremely closed with her emotions but it feels more like closed cos she can't open up rather than closed cos she is hiding something.Anyway, my real issues lie with the amount of men she has had sex with - 350+ is huge. I can't get the thought of this out of my head, I am not entirely sure why. I have pondered my insecurity on this and sure I do feel a little insecure especially as she is by nature a tiny girl but with a larger than average in my opinion nether regions - side question, can someone be made bigger down there due to high sexual activity or is it just natural, the later being my thinking? But it feels more like morality versus peer type pressure to me - kinda feels like I love her but standards dictate that I am not allowed to so therefore i shouldn't.There is also this slight feeling of not quite believing that she really enjoys sex with me - she is fairly low key in the bedroom and certainly not adventurous - not that it bothers me its just a kind of indication to me and if she comes into contact with sperm she hates it - I have never experienced that before with anyone - she is ok if its not near the face or on her skin - inside her is ok.She loves me to go down on her and says she cums every time and always wants to be on top of me and also says she comes - I believe she does but something just feels like its missing.I have bugged her for months all about the past and I now feel comfortible that I have the truth and I no this hasn't helped in our quest for love but it was necessary as I could only rest and feel our relationship had merit once I felt the truth had been told - as I have said to her, if I still love you, which I do, now that you have told me all about your past, which most men would probably run 100miles away from then wasn't it worth it!!I am an owner of various businesses and have good standing - I would consider myself as fairly intelligent and most people would admire my business and personal stature _ hope thats not conceited - just thought good to mention so that I can demonstrate that this is all unusual for me and I would normally have a pretty good judge of character.Another thing for me which is the most distressing is that she cannot tell me her emotions - she says actions are louder than words but for me I need to hear some of what she thinks and feels - I find it hard to believe that if you love someone like I love her that one wouldn't naturally want to say how one feels.Anyway, I know that’s all a bit drawn out but its complex – I need some help to clear my thoughts _ I have tried what I would normally do in a business situation using the famous “Knowing what I know now, would I make the same decision”. My answer is I am a little uncertain but I think I would have probably made the same decision although I might have thought about it harder than I did if she had told me about all the 350+ men at the beginning….So to my questions: how can I get over the 350+ men and what do I do to help me gain the trust about her feelings?I have actually met some of the men she has been with but I didn’t know this until recently as she confessed it and she has also told me about others that I have met but since then withdrew it and said she was just trying to get me mad cos we have a fight and it was a reaction to win.I must also add that whilst in my marriage I was not faithful – each time is was paid for and not relationship based and I myself have had more than 100+ sexual partners so I don’t want to appear like an angel – certainly not!
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divorce, her past, insecure, liar, money, period, prostitute, sperm Reply to this Question
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
reader, anonymous, writes (13 January 2013): Thats nothing. my young wife of 2 years was a top HK bargirl for nine months. She worked seven nights a week and averaged 3 clients a night (conservatively) That comes to over 700 men who fucked her in that short time!
We are very happy together and have a beautiful young son. Our sex life is great and im not troubled by her past in the least, in fact it occasionally is used as a turn on for our bedroom fun.
Dont sweat it dude, thats just how it is sometimes, its only male hang ups that stop you from accepting the situation. Hope all works out for you.
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (21 November 2010): Everybody is different in this world, and no one every understood blind in love. No one ever knows the full past of any partner and a clever operator can hide for so long, it will eventually emerge.
Un wittingly you aware that unfairly old dogs do not learn new tricks and you are right to be very cautious.
Usually the prostition is to fund a reason, and is not to fund a sexual need forget the stories. Look further and you will find either gambling loans or another family/ committment for which you unprepared or presently blind to.By settling same you will merely buy time, and another need will inserted to justifiy whatever.
You either put up with it or get out.
Children are used as counters and you have to balance out what you ultimately think is best a for your sanity b your children c are you strong enough both emotionally and finacially to survive the slow death of a thousand cuts.
Take some advice now, express your worries and concerns not to her friends but to a friend of yours you trust explicitly, and will pre judge whatever you say.
In my case I only became aware when my wife openned a business held out it was a massage and beauty parlour which the Police closed as a brothel.
Take some consolation you will not be the first nor the last and that any children from this realtionship are a blessing.
There are so many people out there that forget the oriental have their own ways and culture, the fact is that they will always overide any relationship or love you may hold.
good luck
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (11 November 2010): I have read this and previously decided not to respond.
Howver today after re reading your updates I just want to ask: are u sure u are not way over your head. You have been the good samaritan and u have been a blessing to her family but deep down I can see problems.
Trust; are u ceratin u can trust her? Are u not afraid that she will resume her prostitute profession ? You may have taken her from out of the gutter but the question is : did she want u to.
I am just afraid that u are being used and that you do not really mind.
Whether it is love or lust you are feeling, just protect yourself. U are being very generous to her, were you this generous to your own ex wife?
Whether u are going through a mid life crises or not,please have eyes at the back of your head. U will not be the first foreigner to be taken for a fool.
It pays to be extra cautious. I admire your determination but sadly I wonder whther it is all in vain.
You will find that my response may seem negative but all I am doing is trying to say: Caution and remove the scales from your eyes.
LoveGirl
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reader, anonymous, writes (11 November 2010): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionHi, just came back to this page as have been fighting those demons again.
Its a very positive and powerful place to come for me, what everyone has written is so helpful.
I'll contonue to come here and reread these message time after time and expecially when I need it most.
thanks you
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reader, anonymous, writes (18 October 2010): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI'm not sure if the last response is some kinda reverse psychology but I feel the retort is a little harsh.
I have been able to take this young lady out of the lowest form of work anyone could endure, I have given her a home in Singapore, the Philippines and the UK. I have provided for for her and an excellent life style over the period since we have been together and have given love and support along the way. In addition to this I have build a house for one of her sisters and have given monthly food anf income to both her sisters to support the 10 children they have between them - I have paid for schooling for all of them and their uniforms and have given them hope and happiness.
In addition I have provided for the entire village and have set up a charity to continue to support them out of my own means.
On top of this I am currently buying some land for farming so that they all have enough food going forward.
All property is in my girlfirends name so that she never has to worry about a home again and so that our daughter will be secure if something terrible happended to me.
I am not sure what else I can do for her - other than leave the past behind which is why I am online now.
I think I deserve to be happy to and thats why I have needed to explore the truth, get the answers and then try to understand how to deal with it.
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female
reader, sweetiebabes  +, writes (18 October 2010):
 I have read your posts just today and it prompts me to write you.
I am a filipina and I know generally what we are with regards to our emotions. You have written so much about your insecurities just because she slept with so many men. Yes, I guess there are some filipinas who lowered themselves to survive and they are unselfishly surviving to provide the needs of their family...am i right?
Sir, I would like to tell you, I feel she is telling you the truth. Please don't dig up what and who she was before for you are making her feel so less more about herself.
Right this moment, I think you need to help her build her self-esteem, her self-respect, make her believe in herself again...she has lost these for so many years and it is a trauma in her life, A DISASTER in her life and it is not easy...You need to have patience and if you must, let her visit a psychiatrist to overcome all her bad past...this is the greatest gift you can give to her...TO MAKE HER WHOLE AGAIN. Make her feel you love her unselfishly and I am sure she will give you back the love you deserve.
I have so much to share with you about our nature as a filipina...our feelings in general and how we give our love...you can send me an email and I will be glad to be a friend of you both.
Both of you have so much to deal with your relationship it needs patience, trust, honesty and a great love to surpass all these things between you and her.
I wish you the best!!!
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female
reader, Aunty BimBim  +, writes (17 October 2010):
 I hope she thinks you are worth, and deserve, a second chance!
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reader, anonymous, writes (17 October 2010): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionWow! that worked! Nothin glike cols and direct to get it into my think head!!
Thanks for this response!
Since wiriting all this and reading the responses our relationship has just blossomed - funny really I think all I really needed to do was get everything off my chest cos I feel so much better now.
This young lady is the love of my life 0 she means everything to me and writing all this has just made me realise that I am and have been the problem not her - everyone deserves a second chance and I am the best person to assist her with this.
Bless you all for so much simple support. This has been a life changing experience.
LOL :)
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female
reader, Aunty BimBim +, writes (17 October 2010):
It seems to me you are seeking reasons for dumping her. She didnt "sleep' with over 350 men (who cares at the number) she had sex with them, for money, for money to pay her debt at the bar, for money to ensure she had a roof over her head and food in her belly.
In this scenario you are the bad dude, not her. Now maybe after you went to the bar and paid to have sex with her the first night, and then you returned to the bar and paid to have sex with her the second night, and then you returned and played romantics with her, maybe she saw you as a way out of the dreadful, dreadful cycle of having sex with men in order to live.
I don't know, only she knows what is in her mind.
But you sir, you are a black hearted scoundrel, as far as you pushing her for information goes, I don't like you, and guess what, you may think we are a group of faceless individuals, but I am a grandmother of four, I hold a very respectable position in my community, you could, if you wanted to, quite easily call me a pillar of society, people approach me for assistance and advise on a number of life's issues, but if you came to me for help, I would shut the door in your face and go looking for this poor girl to give her the support she obviously needs in her condition because she as sure as eggs isn't getting it from you.
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reader, anonymous, writes (16 October 2010): This is verified as being by the original poster of the question•
Dear all,
I’d like to offer a little more from my side as your advice is fantastic but some things need to be a little more clear to paint the right picture.
Sex is not love however, we are not talking just a handful of moments here – Its worth me mentioning here that my girlfriend is 23 years old and lost her real virginity (she was raped at age 7-8years so she wasn’t sure if this was technically still intact) at age 21 to a guy who ‘bar fined’ her (paid for sex) – actually she was only bar fined in agreement with the bar owner as she was a virgin but she was only to accompany the guy on a bar hop and food – he took her (she was very young and naive) to his hotel and raped her (not sure what the definition of rape is but she certainly remembers having to have sex with this guy against her will but froze at that point as was extremely scared – that’s rape to me). Since then she had slept with over 350 guys (this is all within a 2 year period).
I am not trying to seek more advice here because all your advice’s have very much cleared my mind but I do want to make sure I am thorough in obtaining the advice and not to leave any points out that might be useful.
My priorities are to get my mind looking at all of this is a sensible way and not to overreact or make a decision that would be unwise for both my girlfriend and I.
Regarding the lying – when I met my girlfriend I was happy to be alone and to have fun having just left my marriage and this was the first time I had ever entered the bar in question. Whats interesting is that this bar (and I am not trying to say I haven’t intentionally been in bars with girls to pay for sex in the past cos I have) is a very general bar – my friend and I went in for the party that was going on inside. This bar has a party every Sunday for those that have the day off work which includes, many Filipino house keepers, Indian and Bangladesh Builders, Expats (like me, I am from the UK originally but have been in Singapore for more than 10years), bar girls (girls you pay for sex), holiday makers and general population having a good time.
When we first went in we were met by 2 girls from Thailand that wanted to Dance and they were both domestic workers having a day off – we then met some guys we new from the office (expats) and then my friend danced with 2 girls that wanted us to take them home (short time) for money – we declined. I then spotted this beautiful young Filipino girl dancing and I introduced myself to dance (as one does). We danced and then had a few drinks – this is when the two girls (short time girls) started to argue with her – apparently she was on their turf – I asked her what she meant and she told me that she was hired by the bar to make 4k in any manner she could and until then she was tied to the bar. After the bar got its money the same commissions would be available to her. This included entertaining customers, dancing etc with customers, getting many drinks bought and paid for by customers etc etc. I then asked her if that meant going with customers for sex and she said yes but only if she wanted to and that she had only been there 3 weeks and had only left with a couple of guys in the same manner as you would when meeting potential life partners normally. I asked if they paid and she said yes but she said it wasn’t really paying for sex it was more paying to take her out of the bar otherwise she was not allowed to go – I was convinced that meant she was not a hooker.
Although I have been with a number of hookers I had never knowingly wanted to be in a relationship with one…. This seemed like a nice situation and a genuine one.
I went back each day thereafter to make sure she didn’t get whisked away by someone else that felt about her like I did ( I know it all sounds rather naïve but this is how it was). I mentioned in my first message that she told me all about her older boyfriend whom happened to be 64years old – this niggled me a bit cos this is not acceptable in my culture.. and that they were together for 18 months – I just figure the rest of the time she was doing what she was doing when I met her and that in my mind wasn’t prostitution. I eventually found out that I was wrong.
The reason I kept plugging at her to give me more information was that she the above was her first story but she kept slipping up in general conversation with silly little errors like – I had a boyfriend about a year ago who did the same job as you – I said the old guy? She said no … blah blah blah – a year ago she was still with the older guy according to story 1 – perhaps I shouldn’t have said anything but too many of these slip ups makes you nervous.
Her story then changed to being with the older guy 6months not 18months and that she had had other boyfriends but then she said one guy paid for her but didn’t sleep with her – I replied does that mean other guys did pay for you and slept with you and she said yes but she said she was very fussy and only went with guys that she thought could potentially become her boyfriend – I don’t think this was her lying I think I had assumed the situation but when I asked her to tell me more she said she had been a bar girl for maybe 1 year in the Philippines prior to coming to Singapore - this is how I found out she had been with nearly 50 guys as she flippantly said this to me one day – I guess to shut me up and to test whether I would run away.
The story then changed to 100 guys but all along I asked soft questions like how many times a week did you go out of the bar then and she told me 3-4 times a week in the end – eventually over 7 months we went from day one in the bar being a normal girl available to having slept with 50 guys for money to 100 guys to then telling me 3-4 times a week – do the math and that’s how I come to my numbers (averaged numbers by the way cos she doesn’t no exactly how many) – I didn’t want to broach this with her so I asked a friend who I now now and that had also worked in the bars with her and she confirmed my numbers were right – my girlfriend later admitted it – she told me creed, colour, size and that some of the guys she had introduced me too and guys I had a night out with had previously bar fined her too. The later was not nice at all – I know we all have past but to do that too me was a little shallow!
You can see, lying is a little understating the situation – I kinda felt I had been duped into love!!
Regardless of the lies I know she didn’t really mean any harm, she wanted me to care for her and was scared to tell the truth as she felt that might put me off but lie after lie makes one nervous and then you start to think what else are you being lied to about – does she really love me, does she really care for me, does she really cum when she says she does ….blah blah blah – all fairly petty but many small lies make a huge lie – she basically started out as one person and is now someone totally different – I only found that actual truth out, if it is now indeed the truth, last week and this is why its taken me so long to right to your column.
I am very patient by nature and don’t like to over react but I think I am justified to truly understand all this now and that’s why I write for some sensible input worldwide.
I fell for her but with each lie she has made me more circumspect – with this I have become more insecure and less trusting.
I pressed her hard for more information to be able to find the truth cos I knew I wasn’t getting it (by the way I would have been better not asking or getting any info right from the beginning but as things unfolded I had to press further because as I fell in love and I had to make sure I wasn’t going to let myself fall so far in case I was going to be let down) so that I could make a decision as to whether I could live with the truth – as time was going on I was learning more and more and it was distressing for me. As things unfolded I was shocked but by the time I new the truth I had kinda worked it out for myself (you laugh cos you think this all looks obvious now but love is blind I guess).
I do now know that she does see me as some kind of hero and worships me and I do obviously still love her otherwise I wouldn’t be looking for support but I need to know I am not being played for other reasons, in particular money and after being in a loveless sexless marriage I don’t want to do that again.
One last item to mention: I have never been that confident about the size of my manhood – this anxiety was multiplied whilst in marriage as my wife often said it was small (6inc long by 5inc round by the way). Knowing that my girlfriend has been with so many men is a little hard to take on this level too – we have discussed this stupidly of me and she said yes she has had bigget but she says not that much bigger – maybe 7- 7and a half inc – she says only huge ones are in porn movies but this is not true as I have seen many large guys – at least 9 and 10inc when partying with sports teams etc, but she said quite a few wider…
The law of averages kicks in when the numbers are so big and even if we said only 10% of the population have huge penises this means she would have had 30-35 large ones – this makes me feel extremely inadequate even those she says size doesn’t matter and that she really doesn’t care whether it my size, bigger or smaller.
stupid of me cos I know the averages, I know what the world says and the research and that I am average - she even says to me that I am average and possibly a bit wider than average but regardless of this it doesn't change that she has had bigger - to a guy this is everything.
I even google this the other day and a guy said he was insecure about his size and he was 6.5 inc long and 6 inc around - this alarmed me cos that quite a bit bigger than me.
Whats more is that I find my girlfirend is larger down stairs than I remember and I aoften feel like I am just slipping around inside - she says its nice for her and she doesn't get sore but I feel inadequate and that she probably had better sex with larger ones - she did say one day that she doean't like large ones but in the same breath she did say that longer and fatter if attached to me could make sex even better.....
Basically I need to feel that this is all worth the pain I am feeling and that she can prove her love to me so that its worth the effort and that she can comfort me that regardless of the past numbers of men she has slept with I am special to her and that she has chosen me above all else because I am the best to her!
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female
reader, blindbetty  +, writes (16 October 2010):
 words are just words...sex is just sex...blah blah blah when you are both in your 80's or 90's at the end of life will you take care of her, will she take care of you? What the heck are your priorities for the future of this relationship...sex is not love.
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reader, anonymous, writes (15 October 2010): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionWow - I am gob smacked. This is exactly what I wanted to get back - sorry, sounds like I think I know it all - on the contrary
This is amazing and thank you all so much for being so clear and concise - I need the straight talk and have got it - I need to reread the comments and respond properly so might take a little time but this deserves an immediate response from me thus herein.
Thank you
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (15 October 2010): I guess you are both looking for stability and security - that comes from trust. When we lie continuously and almost flippantly day to day it becomes a habit that is hard to break - as if by lying we are saying that we are not worthy of the truth - either to ourselves or others. This attacks self worth. I think this is why you are concerned about the 350+ others because if they never meant much (or anything) then how come you are so very different.... and why... and for how long. I would feel insecure but yet you also have had many many sexual partners. Perhaps when you have turned yourself off from any emotion it becomes normal to be rather bland in the bedroom. I just get the feeling the issue you have with her partners is more about the gut instincts you are getting now - and that if you felt she had really shed a skin, completely, and that you got the whole truth the whole time you would be able to put that behind you - and your own background. The only advice I can give is for you to both commit to give yourselves a fresh start and to agree what that might require of both of you. You almost need a kind of de-tox so that you can start fresh and feel good about one another - put the past in the past. Have a think about how you can do this - emotionally and from a practical point of view. Could you spend some time together talking out all your concerns? Do you need to move area? What are your goals and aspirations for the future? Are they the same?
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (15 October 2010): It sounds like she was in a desperate situation and getting involved with prostitution was a means for survival. From what you told us, her sexual encounters were not pleasant in the least way and some of them were down right traumatic.... Unlike you who's sexual encounters were both sought out and pleasurable..I'm sure you also chose women you found attractive and sexually desirable....she did not have that option and more than likely was repulsed by many of the men.Her now passive involvement is more than likely a conditioned response that came about from self preservation issues. Perhaps I am making her out to be more of a victim than she truly is...but the mere fact that she jumped at an opportunity to get out of the industry. She probably sees you as some kind of hero and worships you. If you dump her now, you will further traumatize her and this makes you no better than the men that traumatized her before.Stop asking her questions .... You know it's not pretty...and just see yourself through her eyes...the knigt in shing armour that wisked her away from the evil kingdom.
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reader, anonymous, writes (15 October 2010): You seem in search of her true identity...her soul. So you search her past, but become hung up on her sexual exploits. The two are probably not as connected as you think. I'm sure she is thinking and longing for things that you are failing to see because you think her youth, or heart are tied up in these men and these experiences. Women don't tie their emotions to sexual exploits like men tend to. The memorable moments for most women, I'm sure even prostitutes, are in the loving, special, fun experiences. Now is sex fun...yes. But I bet if you ask her who was the "funnest" john and why, she'll talk about something totally cute and not sexual.
Separate her sex life from her soul. Search for her in th e right places. Love plus sex is better than sex alone, no matter how big they were, how wealthy, how amazingly dressed. What WOWs her is your love for her. What should WOW you is the woman she is at heart...you need to find that, and it's not in a bedroom or the number of mindless partners she was with and isnt anymore.
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male
reader, Bumz_Rush  +, writes (15 October 2010):
I am a little surprised, at the questioner.
I assume you went out looking for some Pussy.
You found it and paid for it.
With the best will in the world, you are no better than she is....(I am worse than you by the way).
Accept her for who she is, and trust her, as I hope she trusts you.
after all, if it was your score you would be the MAN.....it is a number, and who cares if it is correct.
Otherwise totally agree with the initial response.
Bumz
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reader, anonymous, writes (15 October 2010): I would guess a certain amount og guardedness of her emotions is a survival mechanism for her. Don't you think it has crossed her mind that you are contemplating ditching her, because after 7 months or whatever, you finally stopped to think what it means to date/marry a prostitute. I would imagine she is feeling very vulnerable right now, that you will leave at any moment - and rightly so, as that seems to be exactly what you are contemplating...
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female
reader, Aunty BimBim +, writes (15 October 2010):
How come she keeps having to tell her story, (you say it keeps changing) surely once would have been enough for a man who was madly in love and wanting to make her his wife and mother of his future children?
Are you nagging her for details?
However, forget my questions, the bottom line is
you knew she was a prostitute the first night you met her
you knew she was a prostitute when you returned to the same bar and looked for her the following night
you knew she was a prostitute when she went with you without payment.
You knew she was a prostitute when you paid her debt at the bar to get her out of the industry.
You certainly knew that she used to be a prostitute after you paid that debt (notice, is now in the past)
You also knew that she used to be a prostitute when you got her pregnant with your child.
Whats your problem with the number, one paying customer makes her a prostitute, 10 paying customers make her a prostitute, 350 paying customers still makes her a prostitute ... and how the hell does she know it was over 350 men, did she keep records or is that a figure she has pulled out of her ear because you were harping and nagging for a number?
So, now that you have my opinion on your situation, what exactly is your question?
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