A
male
age
51-59,
anonymous
writes:My girlfriend of about three years and I have a great relationship. We both have younger children from past marriages so we have agreed we will not live together at least until the children are grown. Neither of us is interested in remarrying, at least not anytime soon. We get about 3 nights a week together and the other nights we're usually spending at one of our houses with the kids (either I'm hanging out with her and her kids or she's with me and my kids). Overall, we like it and we're happy.However, she seems to be determined to adopt a little girl (we have two boys each). I am not really that excited about that. It would not be a child we would adopt together, but it would just be another child for her - only without a father to keep it a few nights each week. Am I being selfish in thinking this would not be good for our relationship or am I just afraid of changing the status quo. I know adopting a child is a great thing for the children who need adopting and brings a lot of happiness to people who adopt, I just can't help but feel threatened by this.A little wisdom and input would be appreciated. Reply to this Question
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
reader, anonymous, writes (16 January 2014): Sir, I addressed your post as I interpreted it's meaning.
Perhaps you might need to read it yourself, and see how many ways it can be interpreted. As for snarky,I prefer direct.
There is no personal attack intended. However; children are precious. They deserve to feel welcomed. They are defenseless and innocent. If I provoked thought. I am successful at my goal.
I won't mince words if I see a more direct approach can be more effective. I could have sugar-coated it for you; but I think I did get the point across.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (16 January 2014): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI came here because of conflicting feelings that I was having and obviously I felt I might be being unreasonable and selfish, that's why I asked. Frankly, I think what I wanted was confirmation that yes, I am being selfish and unnecessarily insecure and afraid and should embrace her dreams and support her and that my fears were probably unfounded. To those of you who offered constructive criticism and viewpoints that help me look at the situation a little more objectively, thank you.To others - "WiseOwlE" and Tisha-1 in particular - personal attacks, extreme criticism, and your snarky attitudes are completely unnecessary in this context. I was feeling insecure about what I perceived MIGHT be a threat to the relationship I have with someone I love. It wasn't quite as sinister as you seemed to imply. Get over yourselves.
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A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (16 January 2014):
 Yeah I think the issue is not her choice to be a wonderful parent to another child...
unless you realize that you are going to end up without this woman if you don't make some real changes in the relationship who she chooses to parent and how are moot points.
there are tons of blended families... if things are so good what are you two afraid of?
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A
female
reader, llifton +, writes (15 January 2014):
 What tisha-1 said. Exactly. It? Come on now!
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A
female
reader, Tisha-1 +, writes (15 January 2014):
 You know, many people successfully remarry after divorce, with children. It's not unheard of, it's not weird, it can work if the parties involved work on it.
The rationale not to live together until the children are grown seems to be artificial and a self-imposed barrier to the new family structure. I sincerely doubt that the children will say 'oh gosh thank you so much for not marrying your boyfriend/girlfriend, that made my life so much better to watch you pretend that you weren't a couple!'
"It would not be a child we would adopt together, but it would just be another child for her - only without a father to keep it a few nights each week."
Um, seriously "IT"???? "It" has a gender, "it" is a person, "it" is not some nameless faceless blob that is designed to deprive you of some time with your girlfriend.
"Am I being selfish in thinking this would not be good for our relationship or am I just afraid of changing the status quo." You're already decided that the children cannot handle you two being an actual couple, so adding another child into her family won't make all that much of difference.
What an odd question. You spend time with the children as a couple. They are not stupid. They will know that you two are a couple.
If you are feeling this threatened by the addition of a child then maybe your relationship isn't as strong and healthy as you would like.
Get some family counseling, and perhaps some individual counseling could help you as well, if you are threatened by the dreaded new "IT."
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (15 January 2014): I agree with the other aunts, you're not married, and do not intend to get married any time soon and she's adopting as a single parent hence it really isn't up to you to object her adopting a child. Yes it will probably affect your time with her but those are the perks of dating someone who has children.
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A
female
reader, AuntyEm  +, writes (15 January 2014):
 What Wise Owl said...:-)
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reader, anonymous, writes (15 January 2014): If you're not getting married and don't have any intention anytime soon...sir, you have no say about it.
You can offer your opinion and/or advice. However; it is irrelevant; because her decision neither requires your participation, nor your permission. Your support would be nice.
She is making a kind and very noble decision that is her's to make. If you were her spouse; you would share an equal say and responsibility.
You have no right to object to anything she does as a single-parent and independent woman. Her personal decisions are her business; until you decide to marry her, and make her life your business, butt out.
Your objection to her adopting a child is of no consequence.
I suspect she shares my sentiments. You have a wonderful woman. Stand by her, or get out of her way.
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