A
male
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:Please be honest and tell me if I'm being unreasonable.Today my girlfriend told me that she wanted some space to spend with her friends, etc. I completely understood and said that that was absolutely fine.I left her at hers and went about my day. Later she sent me a message to say that her and a friend had been invited to my place by a housemate. I said that this was a touch ironic considering the conversation we'd had in the morning and said that I felt it was a bit unfair that she wanted her space but that I could not have mine.She got angry at this and said that I was retaliating from what she said this morning. I tried to make her understand that if a housemate of hers had asked me to go to hers it might make her feel a bit annoyed if she wanted her space.She doesn't seem to understand and in fact said that I wasn't being fair. Am I being unreasonable? I'm not stopping her coming. After all, it's my housemates house too (he's starting to date my girlfriends mate). How can I make her understand that it makes me feel a bit angry, especially because of what she said this morning? I tried to put her in my shoes, etc.It feels like she has her space but I do not have mine, which I think is unfair. Is it?I will not see her later as I felt there would be an atmosphere so I have gone to stay at my dads.... But I shouldn't have to. Reply to this Question
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reader, anonymous, writes (1 April 2013): Sorry OP but I think you're being petty and taking what she said too literally because you're bitter. Sounds to me like you're throwing your toys out of the pram.
'Oh you want space? Then fuck off bitch I don't want you anywhere near me when you have your "space", don't come near my flat when you have your "space", oh you want to come over to my place to see your friend? well fuck you I want my space too, so no, go have your space somewhere else.'
That is basically what you're saying but just not put as nastily as I have.
She told you she wants a little bit more independence to hang out with friends and have a life outside of your relationship and you demand that she not be anywhere near you when that happens? That's not space OP, that's just being petty, punishing her for being such a "bitch" as to ask for a bit more freedom to chill with friends.
I mean seriously, what's up with that? She asks for space and you use it as an excuse to throw a hissy fit.
OP you're being possessive, acting like she was going to go to your place and completely ignore you or something and now you've made her feel pressured not to be near you when she's with friends, you just made things very awkward if she turns up at your place now because she knows you're going to throw a strop about it, probably slam some doors and make it very obvious you disapprove, if that's not the case then why act this way? On principle?
OP this is not a battle you should have chosen to fight. You've just made her hanging out with friends into a way bigger deal than it should be, now she has to walk on eggshells and may even feel she has to keep her friends separate from you in case you go nuts again.
If you're not bitter about this, not thinking in the way I have suggested in any way OP, then you have a poor way of showing that. instead of her just turning up to hang out, give you a kiss and a cuddle, invite you to join them for a chat or something, you've now given her reason to feel unwelcome in your place unless she specifically is going to see you.
I'd take it back OP, I'd apologise for my reaction and say I don't know what I was thinking. I'd tell her she's welcome in my place any time she likes for any reason and as long as she at least gives me a kiss and a cuddle at some stage then I'll be a happy boy.
A
female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (1 April 2013):
 Did you want space also ? Did you want to just do your thing with friends too ? Did she know, did you TELL her ? Had you agree on official " mutual space " day ? ..Plus, as you say , that's your housemate's place too, if he invites people over, these people should be free to come visit him, without having to tiptoe around your sensitivity.
If she is tagging along upon her friend's request, what was she supposed to do, refuse and stay home alone ? Why ? She said she wanted some space, not that she is pointedly and purposedly avoiding you ! Things panned out differently than planned, that's all, and you don't need to make it a federal case, or an issue of principle.
Sorry but, at least from they way you told it, it sounds exactly as if officially you " understood " but actually you got sulky because she does not want to spend ALL her time glued to you , and it sounds exactly as a childish retaliation.
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A
male
reader, CMMP  +, writes (1 April 2013):
I think that if someone has to be right, it was probably you. However I understand where she's coming from as well, although she should have told her friend that she didn't want to go over to your house.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (1 April 2013): I don't think you are being unreasonable but i do think maybe you went about it the wrong way .... rather than saying it was ironic and that you weren't allowed the space that you were giving her.
What you perhaps should have said is:
"i thought you wanted space with your friend, so it kind of defeats the point we talked about this morning by coming back to my flat when you wanted space from me. I'm happy to spend time with you and obviously our friends overlap so space issue can get conflicted, but what about the space you wanted? How can we resolve that?"
OR
"We talked about you having space from me when you with your friends this morning, so i don't feel comfortable with you guys coming to my flat because I don't want to be the problem again when it was an issue just this morning. I love having you near but if you need your space you need it. I want to respect you and your feelings hence i think it important you have alone time with your friends without me near for now".
As for now .... well you didn't want space with your friends until she wanted space with hers so you can't really argue with that. I suggest just be open to her feelings and tell her honestly how it made you feel for her to say one thing then do another. That maybe you need some guidelines to go on so no one upset or hurt in the future.
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