A
male
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:I have been with my girlfriend for 6 months. In the beginning of our relationship she was still seeing her FWB, but 2 weeks in we decided to become exclusive. She originally wanted a relationship with the guy before, but he didn't. They weren't really close friends before and only met up before to hook-up.Even after becoming exclusive, they still continue to messaged almost everyday and still meet up 1-2x a month. I am never invited to these hang outs and she said she now considers him to be a "close friend", but I still have yet to meet him. Recently, I told her that it bugs me when they hang out but she assured me that nothing is going on between them. I've only brought this up once as I don't want to control who she hangs out with. She hangs out with her other guy friends one-on-one which I don't mind but this whole situation causes me a lot of insecurity. She doesn't have a history of cheating, but she did have one slip-up and kissed another guy while she was together with another ex. Is it reasonable for me to ask her to not message him everyday or am I just being too insecure and should just let them continue what they're doing?
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (24 September 2019): You are being played my friend. Idk if you two are having sex on an ongoing basis, but if you are, it must not be enough, for your gf. You may just be plan B for her. What I would do, is move on, break contact and block her. That is the only way to get over her. You just have to know that they are doing it, whenever he gets horny, since she wanted a relationship with him. Sorry brother, but it happens to almost every guy, at some point in our dating life. Dating is trial and error, my friend. Best wishes!
A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (6 September 2019):
 I agree with YouWish,
You are the "placeholder" BF. She will drop you like a rock IF at ANY time this "FWB" guy decides that he "might" want to date her.
IT isn't YOU she wants, it's him.
SHE is using you to try and "convince" the "FWB" guy that she is "worth" dating.
I think you are "selling yourself short" here. You might like her a lot but you OBVIOUSLY don't like being her "second string/fiddle".
As for whether they have sex or not. Does it really matter? SHE isn't going to give HIM up over you. She wants what she wants.
Personally, I have no issues with people who have friends of the opposite sex. But once there have been intimacy and sex between them (and feelings even if one-sided) they are no longer "friends" there are still ULTERIOR motives for keeping them around. In your GF's case, she is still HOPING this "FWB" will see what a catch she is.
He might still stick around for the possibility of sex and because he KNOWS she wants him and that feeds his ego.
You have been together for 6 months and you haven't been introduced to him?
Sorry, I'd wish her well and dump her.
While I do get it's about trust... She isn't exactly showing that she is trustworthy. She is TELLING you she is, but let's face it... she can clean texts from him, delete the "naughty" ones and you would be none the wiser.
HAVE you asked her how SHE would feel if you remained in contact with a former sex partner and then decided this woman is now your best buddy?
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (6 September 2019): I think most commenters here have the right idea. So, to add something meaningful, I will only ask you this - are you having sex regularly with her, and is it at least some of the times initiated by her? This is what matters at the moment because we want to find out if she is even attracted to you. If the answer is a no - you know what to do, mate. She wants him (and not you). He wants nothing more to do with her than shag her (and rightly so), but she wants a relationship with him. And you my friend are the "make him jealous" guy. You know out of the millions of times this strategy has been attempted, how many times it has landed the girl the guy she wants? Zero. Because her relationship with you is not a negative for that dude, it's a positive. Because now, he doesn't even have to pretend to listen to her yap about - he can simply order her booty when he feels like it and send her packing once he's done, to "share her feelings" or whatever with you. You give her the time, attention and emotional support and all that's left for him is to bang her. Just, don't be that guy. Save yourself the misery and get a hobby instead of an emotional leech. Oh and if you've ever gone raw, please get tested for STDs.If the answer is yes, however, then things get complicated. By complicated I mean, your line of action doesn't remain so crystal clear. There are a few possibilities, and none of them easy to verify. Either she's evil-level manipulative and it's just the same situation as the one mentioned above. God help you, in this case. Another one is that she is into you - but she is more into him. So you're the "backup" guy here, the "he will surely take me" guy. It's not fun being someone's second choice and most self-respecting guys would choose to be single over this. Plus, if this is the case, she is always ready to sleep with him, he just has to say the word - again, a very, very bad situation for you. However, it is also possible that she likes you and wants to settle with you but she's unable to let go of the past. In this case probably you're just not living up to something she got from him and not you. It's also possible she's telling you the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth - in which case your insecurity is baseless. An honest conversation will help the latter two situations but the task is to identify what exactly it is, which is near impossible. So yeah, this is a toughie and you'll have to dig a little deeper and try to ascertain what is what.Good luck my man, and remember, girls will come and go but your self respect in your own eyes - that will be gone forever if you let go of it.
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A
female
reader, YouWish +, writes (6 September 2019):
 She is a real jerk who is using and abusing you.
She WANTS this other guy, not you. You are who she is using to try to make this guy jealous enough to commit and start a relationship with her. She's using you to make HIM jealous. She wants him, not you.
She's playing word games to keep you dangling. You should wise up, realize she has zero interest in being "exclusive" with you or anyone but him, and find a girl who will actually cherish you!
Her FWB isn't interested in her right now except as a booty call. She's laboring under the delusion that he'll become territorial, realize what he's about to lose, and fall into her arms.
Make no mistake -- the moment this guy starts being serious with her, she will dump you without a second thought. Don't give her the satisfaction. You don't have THAT low of a self-esteem that you would actually settle for this crap! The crumbs off the dog's table. UGH.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (5 September 2019): Sorry to put it bluntly OP but the only "ex" in her FWB relationship is in SEX. Which is what she is having with her FWB who used to be her ex but not anymore. You're the GOOD guy she keeps in her back pocket. She's using you for your good guy qualities. The FWB is the BAD boy she wants to keep fucking. In fact, it seems she's addicted to him. You can't mess with chemistry. She has it with him. Not with you. Don't be her door mat!
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (5 September 2019): I feel your the bait to make the other guy go ape. She like ooh look this guy really likes me, it's emotional leverage. Take the advice . Back off .. say if she can't or won't introduce you .. She can't or won't cut the messaging down then it's...game over for you both . Tell her there are plenty of girls who will adore having a loyal bf not a door stop and if she so into this guy he can have her
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A
female
reader, janniepeg  +, writes (4 September 2019):
 I would not focus on whether they are still having sex, because there is no way to prove and you would continue to hope that they are not, to hang on to this relationship. I would cut her off because she is not devoted to you. Giving up does not make you insecure. It means that you have standards and you know you can do better. There is the forever argument about whether you can be friends with the opposite sex, especially former lovers. If the arrangement makes you insecure and it sort of lowers her value in your eyes, then it's not going to work. Even if she doesn't cheat, you feel less important and less of a priority when she's dividing time between you two.
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A
female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (4 September 2019):
 " They weren't really close friends before and only met up before to hook up ".
Ah. So they weren't friends, just fuck buddies, but now, all of a sudden, since you are on the scene, they became true friends. Before, he did not deem her worth his time, but for a casual f..k, but now they found interests to share , common tastes to explore , ideas to debate etc. How come ?
Then again, maybe they aren't as good friends as she says , otherwise they would not hang out just once or twice a month, and only for an hour or so each time. It sounds sort of quick and rushed for a good catch up between two good friends who have so much in common…
Something smells fishy here. Either she IS still having random ( and rapid ) sexual encounters with this guy , she just is telling you lies. Or, ( less probable ) she is not actually cheating on you yet, - she found some way or excuse to cling to this other guy, hoping that in time she can wear him down and " get " him, or grow on him and get him, or some other half-baked scheme which still entails, though, emotional cheating. I mean, they were never close friends before- and now all of a sudden they have to act buddy-buddy and text each other every day ? The timing is off. And suspicious.
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A
male
reader, N91  +, writes (4 September 2019):
 Also I’d get tested for STDs if I were you.
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A
male
reader, N91 +, writes (4 September 2019):
She has no respect for you it’s pretty simple. She will treat you how you let her until there’s a consequence.
Would she like it if the shoe was on the other foot? I doubt it very much. If she really cared about you she wouldn’t be putting you in this situation. My guess is she’s using you to get this other guy jealous. I’d be very surprised if they aren’t still sleeping together.
You can do way better than this. I’d cut the losses on this before you get any more invested and move on.
Also, she doesn’t have a history of cheating? She cheated on her ex, what are you talking about? Of course she has a history.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (4 September 2019): Hi, original posters back here. Thanks you both for each replies, I did miss some important details:
1. She's told me she told the ex-FWB that she's dating me
2. I do see his messages on occasion as we sometimes look at her phone's photos and she responds with me reading the texts and they do seem platonic.
3. I don't think they are hooking up as she usually snaps me the dinner and then usually an hour after she would come back to hang out with me.
I do agree that I feel like that I am the "in-case" guy. I am on the fence of ending it as I do really love her but I've also never felt more insecure about a relationship before. Think this will probably spell troubles later on.
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A
female
reader, Aunty BimBim  +, writes (4 September 2019):
 We don't "let" people do things that are hurting us. Or we shouldn't be letting people do things that hurt us.
As I get older I realise we shouldn't be with or around people who hurt us. This girl is hurting you and your relationship. Her former FWB should have been advised the arrangement was over as soon as you and she became exclusive.
It seems to me you agreed to being exclusive and she and FWB are continuing on their merry way.
This relationship, and girl, are not good for you. She is not being honest about her relationship with her sex buddy and my advise is to end it, if not the hurt will continue and grow and fester until it consumes you.
Its only 6 months, chalk it up to experience and move on.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (4 September 2019): Typo corrections:
"Now they're just friends?"
"She'd respect your feelings, and have higher regard for your commitment."
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (4 September 2019): My friend, read your own post. There are several deal-breakers screaming at you, and you had to come to DC?!!
(1) " She originally wanted a relationship with the guy before, but he didn't."
(2) "They weren't really close friends before and only met up before to hook-up."
(3) " they still continue to messaged almost everyday and still meet up 1-2x a month."
(4) "I am never invited to these hang outs..."
(5) "she said she now considers him to be a "close friend", but I still have yet to meet him."
Now read these aloud to yourself. What do you think the odds are that they are still exchanging benefits? You're not invited, and have never been introduced; because you're a guy on the side. She's still working on him!
You're her..."just-in-case" guy! If she can't convince him to become more than her FWB; you're Plan-B, her backup man! She hangs-out one-on-one with other dudes.
You've got yourself a certified female-player, baby! She likes male-attention. Keeps her calendar full, and she dates her boink-buddy once or twice a month. He'll always be in the shadows, and you'll always wonder..."are they, or are they not?"
You're just insecure about this? You should be deleting her number, blocking her calls, and looking for another woman without so many male-friends! Especially one she alleges she used to be friendly sex-partners. Now they just friends?
Well, she wanted more than that. Why's she still clinging to him?
If you really are so into this girl, you'd be better-off keeping it casual. If she wanted to be up-front and transparent about her so-called "close friend;" she'd introduce you to him, to alleviate your concerns and insecurities. She's respect your feelings, and have higher regard for your commitment.
Wise-up, bro!
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (4 September 2019): Either you trust her, in which case you accept that this dude is her friend now and that she won't cheat... Or you don't and there's no point in saying anything anyway because you've just admitted you don't trust her. I genuinely believe you can be friends with exes so the rest comes down to trust
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