A
female
age
30-35,
*ysterium
writes:Hey! I’m 29 and I just got out of a 2.5 year relationship. I really thought we were going to end up together but things dint turn out that way. I really love my ex and I miss him terribly but I’m dealing with the pain, loneliness, grief and depression. He recently moved out of the country because of his MBA. He was clear about not wanting to do a long distance but he would still talk to me like we were dating. I eventually put an end to it because he wanted to continue talking But did not want to date, but I wanted to. In my head, you have to work hard for good things, that has been my experience and in this situation as well, I was ready to do whatever it took to make this work. While it did seem like he was serious about me, he dint want to make an effort to keep this going. This had been a recurring theme in our relationship...where I clearly made more efforts and literally helped him out of depression but in my bad times, I was expected to be practical and have perspective. I don’t think he’s a bad person, we’ve mostly had a great time together but I feel disappointed that after 2.5 years, he decided to let a good relationship go to waste and not even fight for it or acknowledge it anymore. I feel even worse because it feels like all my love, effort, sincerity and time have gone to waste and I feel abandoned by him...I dint think this would ever be possible. I’m feeling so confused, lost and depressed. I want to move on but I can’t even think of being with someone else. All my friends are getting married or are years into their marriage and I feel like I’m back to square one of being alone and miserable. What’s worse is, I’m doing very well career-wise and financially but I’m unable to enjoy it or feel any pride because all my focus is on feeling alone and like a loser. Any help to deal with this situation; perspective would be appreciated and welcomed! Thank you!
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
male
reader, awesome14 +, writes (16 May 2020):
The main mistake that leads to heartbreak is fornication. Heartbreak isn't a problem for chaste women. So, that's lesson # 1. If you're doing well fiancially and careerwise, and at your age, and especially if you fornicate, marriage doesn't seem like a realistic option. Guys only commit if they want kids, and they don't generally want an experienced woman to be mother to their children.
You mentioned your guy had to leave the country, because of his MBA. Did he graduate with a MBA, and his visa expired? I just can't imagine myself obtaining an Advanced degree, and then leaving the United States.
Are you sure he left? That can be hard to tell for sure. He might have arranged something bigger than you could wrap your mind around. In any sexual relationahip, if you have no kids, you'd have to use birth control.
The problem there is, a woman loses her feminine identity and purpose, because she produces no fruit from the man's seed. The male loses his masculine identity, because his seed produces no fruit of the womb.
Those two things cause a couple to drift apart Due to silent resentment. The female views time in a relationship as an investment in her future. The male views it as sexual release without commitment or moral restraint.
He loses nothing when he leaves. He has into his sixties to sire offspring, and his chastity and history are irrelevant, because he's a guy!
You lose 2.5 critical years before age 35! My cousin married a very successful girl who was 35. She had no children, and cysts had blocked her ovaries. So, she couldn't conceive.
About 1/2 of childless, 35-year-old females have that condition. But if a woman has children before that, it doesn't happen.
If you want marriage, you've to wise up. You have be attractive as a prospective bride, wife and mother. You feel like a failure, because you're failing.
So, what do guys really look for? Ask yourself.
Now, your heartbreak is serious. Your wherewithal is worn down. Your feminine self is wounded! Your loving heart is broken! You've been rejected!
He wanted to go.It was time for him. Don't think about it too much. The details aren't important. Just learn for the next time.
If an guy gets everything he wants, without giving you What you 'need', you'll never get what you need.
I'll pray for you. I'm sorry you're hurting.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (5 September 2019): What you are feeling is completely normal. However, you must work on it, if you want it to go away and I'll get to that later.What happened to you sucks. You were honest and worked on your relationship.From what you are saying I do not thinking that you are still seeing clearly your ex. Let me say this back to you, your own words:"While it did seem like he was serious about me, he dint want to make an effort to keep this going. This had been a recurring theme in our relationship...where I clearly made more efforts and literally helped him out of depression but in my bad times, I was expected to be practical and have perspective."What struck me the most is "this had been a recurring theme".When we are in love we tend to ignore certain signs/red flags. We give people time and hope for the best. And sometimes it turns out that our partners were going through a phase and that it was worth the wait. Other times we feel used and abandoned. Whatever the outcome may be it was OUR CHOICE that got us there.You decided to ignore what was obviously bothering you as it was happening.Another thing, you said that he didn't want to be with you but that he had continued talking to you as if you ha continued dating. In other words, he wanted no obligations whatsoever that come with being in a relationship, he wanted to be free to explore his other options in this new adventure he embarked upon, but at the same time he wanted to keep your support and not feel alone and abandoned. (even though he broke up with you this still could have been the case).And you did a good thing refusing this. It's one thing to help someone through depression and completely another being his "mom" while he goes out to and explores.I didn't write this to make you feel bad. On the contrary. I wanted to show you how to change the way of thinking. You had and still have the power of choice. Life can be cruel and sometimes we can lose people we respect and love and who respect and love us. And that is a tragedy. But when we lose people we love who do not treat us with the same love and respect, no matter how hard it is, no matter how much it hurts (and it DOES!), we are far better off.You need to focus on that and to do so you must start looking at your ex and your relationship realistically. When you are serious about someone, you invest time and energy, make an effort. It is as simple as that.I've seen a couple of close friends going through hell because they were making their partners and relationships into something they were not. It's hard to stay objective when you are in love, so one of the things you could do is pretend that this is happening to your sister or your best friend. You would get angry at the person who treated them badly an rightly so. So, focus on yourself. Develop your interests. Go to classes (yoga, meditation, languages...). Learn a new skill. Volunteer. Go to therapy if you can. It will help you change your focus.You are not your thoughts. It is natural that they should wonder to good times or to the places where you felt bad (we are all built that way), provoking strong unpleasant emotions. But you can control your thoughts. Whenever they appear, do not dwell on them. Replace them with other thoughts. Either distract yourself or replace them with objective ones. When you think how much you miss him, ask yourself can you really miss someone who expected you to "be practical and have perspective" when you needed his help and support?It's ok to vent, to get it out of your system. But at some point it becomes counterproductive. Watch out for that moment. Some people continue to dwell on the same thoughts and tell the same stories (over and over again), while they could have been spending their energy on something constructive. Once you get it out of your system, but still continue to talk about it, you're sending yourself the wrong message, that you weak. And that is not true.It will pass, as I said, but you need to confront it head on.
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