| A
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes: I've been dating an incredible girl for about 2.5 years. She's a year younger than me, so I'm in college and she's in high school. When we first started dating, she was a virgin and I wasn't. We agreed to wait until she was ready and the time was right. When I moved into my dorm (it's a single), she would mention how perfect it is because now, if we do have sex soon, we'd have some privacy and she could stay the night. I just agreed and didn't pressure her into anything by saying we should have sex now. But about 3 weeks ago, she told me she was ready and she wanted to have sex with me. I asked if she was just and she assured me she was. So the next week, she came to my dorm and I tried to make everything as comfortable for her as possible and we had sex. The thing that really freaked me out a little was that when we were done, she started crying. I understand that sex is pretty emotional, I mean, I was feeling emotional thinking about what I just did with the only girl I ever loved and the only girl I ever want to love. But these weren't just a few understandable tears, but full out bawling. She had wrapped herself in the covers and was turned away from me crying. I sad next to her and tried to comfort her and tell her I love her but she was either unresponsive or asked me not to touch her. So I just sat there feeling sorry and guilty and worried. Eventually, she got up, got dressed and left.I tried caling her that night and the next day and she never answered. But the day after that she called me and asked if I wanted to have dinner with her. The whole time we were out, it was completely awkward and I didn't know what to say or do. Since then, I just don't know how to be around her. I know that sounds weird, but I can't help but feel like I made her do something she wasn't ready to do and I feel really crappy about that. I tried to talk to her about that night but she just says she doesn't want to talk about it. I just don't know what to do. Help? Thoughts? Advice?
View related questions:
moved in Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
male
reader, Isee'mall  +, writes (3 October 2010):
I can't stand these typical replies (sorry).Till today, I never knew why my (ex)girlfriend cried, and I'm really not this typical 'guy' that would explain why. Nor are you, or else you would never have come into these details of thought and reason. The only words I got were "I really don't know", and 5 years later, she "still really doesn't know". She moved on, I moved on. I can't say "I'm not bothered" with it anymore, I still have this strong feeling that she did knew, and still does know why, and that still hurts a bit after all these years not telling me.To tell you the truth, no matter from which point of view you would like to approach this 'problem', the intimacy can bind or break a relationship. If she "doesn't want to talk about it", then it is up to you to let your thoughts go crazy with endless imaginative discussions in your head, talking to your (imaginary) girlfriend trying to understand this problem. The only person who can "try" to explain this problem is your girlfriend, not you. You can try and seek help or talk with others about it, but they can't answer the problem, only one person can.And I say problem, because this is a problem for a relationship (hereby i mean the bond or trust)Your biggest challenge is to figure out why she does not want to talk about it. And to spare some thoughts, here are some of my imaginary thoughts of that time.Is it because; she's scared for your reaction; she does not know how to bring it in words; you would not understand it anyway;she doesn't care;or.. she really does not know it herself (then you really have to help her with it);
A
male
reader, slimfish  +, writes (2 October 2010):
 dont pressure her for more sex at this time. just go back to being loving and give her lots of hugs. buy her flowers and help her see that you really love her and will be there for her. ask her out to the movies and stuff like that and eventually she will trust you again
...............................
A
male
reader, daletom  +, writes (2 October 2010):
This is a tough one to answer. When my wife and I exchanged virginity (she took mine and I got hers in return) on our wedding night we were both sobbing at the end. I was NOT prepared for that response, from either of us! For her, there had been pain, but for both of us there was a lot of emotion, significance, and personal meaning.
I have read, and heard from many others, that people's response after first-time sex is widely variable: wildly exhilarating, or abysmally disappointing; desire to physically and emotionally cling to their partner, or become distant and withdrawn. Two things are fairly certain: you can do emotional damage (perhaps without even knowing it), and young couples often break up shortly after adding sex to their relationship.
Your G/F may indeed be experiencing some mixture of disappointment, regret, or "what have I done NOW?". If premarital sex compromises her cultural, family, or personal values then she may be dealing with guilt and shame. (A few millenia of cultural conditioning doesn't come off nearly as easily as a few articles of clothing.) What positions do her parents, and yours, have regarding your sexual activity?
All I can really suggest is to be patient, open, considerate, patient, and available to her. And patient. As difficult as it is - don't pressure her for a repeat! Revert back to the level of lovemaking (kissing, fondling, oral sex, or whatever your agreed limits were) you had BEFORE you had intercourse. Let HER give the signals for when it will happen again.
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (2 October 2010): If my girlfriend gets upset and I know that it was because of something I was a part of, I tend to asked her. She tells me she doesn’t want to talk about it and that’s fine, I leave her alone. But that’s when I open up about my own feelings. From there we get talking.
I think your girlfriend needs a little reassurance that you’re truly someone she can trust to talk to about herself.
I’ve always been shy and I’m in a new relationship myself, but what I’ve learned is that talking has been my best friend throughout all the good times and the bad.
I don’t think ignoring the situation is going to do either of you any good. Make her feel comfortable again.
...............................
A
female
reader, janniepeg  +, writes (2 October 2010):
 First time sex is painful. She expected too much and she thought it would be fun, like in the movies. There is no use comforting her because it only reinforces the awkwardness and her fear. Your presence alone is comforting enough. Even if there is silence don't make a problem out of it. The best way to respond to her sad face is to look at her and smile. She might even feel that there is something wrong with her because she didn't enjoy it. She should do is talk to a trusted female friend or professional to reassure everything is alright. Actually dearcupid is the perfect place for her.
...............................
A
female
reader, aunt honesty  +, writes (2 October 2010):
 Ok well it was her first time so she didnt no what to expect right? So there is a number of reasons why she could have started crying here, yes her emotions could have got the better of her and she was glad that she finally lost her virginity, or maybe it was sore for her as first time for girls is generally painful, maybe she is just scared and confused and doesnt know what to do or who to turn to. The way she is acting with you now it is obvious she is very embarresed and doesnt want to talk about it with you but you need to make her see that you are there for her and that she can trust you. So arrange a date with her when the both of you will be alone, and tell her that you really want to know what upset her that night so you can help and also so that you can be honest with each other without having the awkwardness, goodluck
...............................
A
female
reader, Nime +, writes (2 October 2010):
 It sounds like she may have been sexually abused in the past. I have no experience with victims of sexual abuse, but at this point I would not demand to know why she reacted the way she did. Just show her plenty of love and take a few steps back from sex until you know how to better broach the topic. Maybe the other posters have some experience with this and can offer better advice.
...............................
|
