A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:Because of a chronic illness I have, I have been forced to move in with my parents. I am 26-years-old. I want SO BADLY to be independent, but it is near impossible as I am not able to work enough to be independent. My parents have helped me out quite a bit financially, but are now unable to help and are very vocal about the fact that they spent a lot of money helping me.When I was around 15-years-old, I changed my religion--something my parents cannot accept to this day. They are very angry about it still, even though I know I did the right thing for me. I am just being who I am. They take it as an affront to them and say that they failed me as parents and that it means I'm trying to reject them, which is not the case. Recently, my mom and I had a big blow up because she thinks I don't like her family. It all came to a head when I accidentally scheduled my GRE on the same day as her family reunion, which to her meant that I didn't care. In reality, I just didn't remember and I don't write things down as often as I should. I apologized profusely, but she's still very angry with me. I admit that I don't always do things with her family because I feel very different from them. Religion aside, I feel like I have to mask a part of myself being with them and I think I would feel this way irregardless of the religion change. I can't admit this to my mom, or she would go nuts. I've spent a lot of time outside the country, traveling and meeting new people and I think my mom also resents me for this as I've missed a couple of Thanksgivings because of traveling. She cites this as an example of caring about my friends more than I care about her. The times I spent abroad were 1 for a job and 2 for studying, so it's not like I packed up on Thanksgiving weekend and went away just to avoid her. This morning my mom and I discussed it and I feel like she basically doesn't like who I am. She says she wishes I cooked more, that I wore make-up everyday, that I kept my things neater, that I was still a Christian and that I did more things with her family--basically, she's asking me to not be myself, but a version of what she wishes I would be. She always talks about how having kids isn't about having a miniature version of yourself, but I don't think she really understands that. What can I do? I feel terrible because I am so close to her, but I also feel like she is asking me to hide who I am because it doesn't conform with what she expects.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (2 October 2010): It's the question asker! :) The illness is physical. I also work sometimes, but I'm not always able. I do have a means to make money, but it's not always reliable because I am sometimes so ill.
I am a writer and I have written a couple of books, but you have to understand that that is not enough to live on.
A
male
reader, Boonridge McPhalify  +, writes (2 October 2010):
 what is the illness? is it physical or mental?
you need to get access to your own money and do whatever you can to do that. if you want to get away from your mums controlling ways you need to do it using your owm money. its the only way you will get free.
while you are still relying on your mum for money you will have to humor her, when you have your own this wont be necessary any more...
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A
male
reader, Frank B Kermit  +, writes (2 October 2010):
 First suggestion is that you find a way to start a business where you do not have to work due to your illness. For example, write a book that you can sell online from home. If you use print-on-demand you can sell 24/7 without having to do 42/7 admin work.
Maybe a book about your illness, or changing religions. You obviously have that experience. Once you get money coming in regularly, you can move out and hire a nurse to help you, instead of your parents...even pay your parents back.
Your parents have expectations of you because that is what parents do. When children do not live up to those expectations, parents sometimes feel THEY failed, and take their self-hate out on the children. Changing religion would do that.
As for wearing masks...that is part of the deal with larger families. We all wear masks...at work, with family, etc...the idea that you can be totally yourself all the time with anyone without consequence is an intellectual construct that does not work in the real world. That is why there are so many rules in most work places to keep personal stuff out of the work place. This is something you are going to have to get used to. Being yourself all the time is for when you seek out a life partner and build your own house...until then, and in other areas of your life, masks will be employed.
I hope you find healing and a way to make money so that you can be independent.
-Frank Kermit
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