A
male
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:So I've been in a relationship with my current girlfriend for a little over two years now.Everything started off great until about the one year mark. She started acting differently. She seemed to be unamused, bored, and irritable. Nothing had really changed in our daily routine too much. I hadn't taken her for granted that I know of, and I continued to show her everyday how special she was to me. Despite any negativity she projected onto herself.After about a month of this I confronted her, and I asked her if everything was alright. She broke down and told me that I had been emotionally damaging her. That she was miserable, and we needed a break, this caught me completely off guard and came out of no where, I was shocked. Skip ahead a week and she apologizes for everything and tells me how much I mean to her, etc.Things have been good since then for about the remainder of the year, but she has started acting out of character again. She takes offense to almost every little thing I do that doesn't fall in line with her viewpoint. If I don't support something she does then I'm suddenly a horrible person. If I accidentally say midly derogatory term (not directed at anyone of course) she won't speak to me even after apologizing and admitting it was wrong of me. If I make a joke that she doesn't find amusing she'll become irritated and not want to speak with me. I guess you can say that lately I've been walking on eggshells. Anytime she becomes upset it is extremely difficult to get her to open up and talk about it. When I do she just unleashes an unrelenting assault of anger on me. Now I do all that I can for her. I treat her with respect. I've bent over backwards a few times for her, not to the point of being a doormat, but more than I should have. I've been there for her as much as I can since she is very needy. I am also a very neutral person. I don't like taking sides, I keep to myself, and I'm generally very quiet and content.Now the last thing that happened that spurred me to write this is she broke down in a fit of anger towards me again. When she finally opened up she told me that she just wasn't feeling the spark anymore, and she didn't know why. That she wants to meet other people, but knows that no one else will treat her like I do or put up with her.(Literally told me to my face that I'm a fallback) After this I told her I need some time to think about everything. She called me later crying begging me not to leave her, and pleading with me if I still loved her.I'm kind of at my wits end, and am not sure if I'm causing this or if something else is at play. Any input is appreciated.
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female
reader, Anonymous 123  +, writes (21 June 2015):
 OP the thing that we need to consider here is that nothing happens in a vacuum. Have there been any problems in her family life? Place of work? Is she depressed? She's behaving like a moody brat and I honestly don't know how much longer you can or should put up with it. If she has problems in her life then she should deal with them rather than making your life miserable. This seems like a case of deriving some kind of an ego boost for her. Like the more you bend over backwards, the more she'll expect you to do for her. This girl obviously has some complex and you are the only one who panders to her ego. By making you feel small, by belittling you, by hurting you, she seems to be getting a sadistic satisfaction out of it. Then when she realizes that she's been wrong, she comes crying back but only momentarily because the minute you're nice to her, she feels that she has the upper hand again...that no matter what she does, you'll keep coming back to her. And the circle starts again.When she called you her fallback guy, that was for nothing other than to hurt you...like literally a slap on your face. She has a lot of anger and frustration within her and by hurting you, she feels better about herself. Even though you are in no way responsible for the way that she's feeling, she says these hurtful things because you are her punching bag and she knows that she can get away with it. She knows your weaknesses, your softness towards her and the fact that you wont answer back or say things to shut her up and that gives her a sense of victory. Break up with her once and for all and see her reaction. I bet hell will break loose and she'll start wailing and crying and saying that she cant do without you and how can you do this to her when you know she loves you so much. She'll try to manipulate you in every single way to NOT leave her, she'll use love and sex and every other bait to keep you hooked and try to gain your sympathy. And possibly even be good for a while. But it wont be too long before the reactions start again.Why put up with all this drama? I'm sure you have better things to do! Just walk away. It'll save you a lot of time and energy
A
male
reader, Sageoldguy1465 +, writes (20 June 2015):
 I'll assume that both of you are in the 22-25 age bracket as listed above your submittal... Yes?
To me, it sounds like she is struggling with growing up and being in what YOU know as an adult "relationship"....
The behaviour that you described (her's) is rather like 14-year-olds in a school yard.....
Get away from her.... and give her some time to grow up. IF she does so (grows up)... then maybe you and she CAN spend time together, some time in the future. IF you try to push things (spend time together under the circumstances you've described)... then it's pretty certain that you and she will NOT make a life together... and will only alienate one-another over the long run...
Time does a great job healing wounds and getting people to see the world from a different point-of-view....
Good luck...
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (20 June 2015): First of all,I don't see anything wrong with being "a fallback".Not in the sense you intend it,but obviously to tell you this "directly to your face" (as you put it) means she trusts you more than she has ever trusted any one, doesn't want to lie to you and actually (hopefully) also knows that she is being the unreasonable one, not you. That's how I read it.Not like you are "2nd best". The fact that she can "fall back" on you, always, i.e. really rely on you means she recognises you are a nice guy, rather than a player.That said, I actually think (having been in her position, though not exactly), she has a variation of the "grass is greener" symptom.Is NOT that she doesn't value you (clearly demonstrated that she does by calling you, begging you and being completely upfront with you about her good and bad sides, which very few people are. With most people you have to peel the layers away the "good" to find the bad sides.) BUT more that given your age (if you are both the same age), thinking something in the lines of "Oh, is this the guy that I'll spend the rest of my life with? I'll never know anything/anyone else!"IF you are both that young, it is a scary thing to consider. She might be thinking about all the things she is missing out on (even if not partners-things that single people can do, that couples can't), but then she is still in love with you,so she realises as well that she is being unreasonable to pose those demands on you.Also, if she is young she still has a bit to grow re:attitudes, behaviour etc. (her own,I mean) that she might NOT be analysing. She's probably analysing your behaviour (and trying to judge if it's ok for a lifetime, if she can put up with your "not-so-perfect" sides for a lifetime), but doesn't have the maturity to do this for herself.I think this type of maturity comes only from "broken things" and when you realise you do NOT want to break them any more... Which she might NOT fully grasp/realise yet.TO sum up: she is IN love with you, but maybe not sure that she does love you."Pull and push" comes to mind as well. IT will break your heart (and hers), but let her go, at least for a couple of years. If you do NOT fall in love with someone else in those years, maybe go back and check if she has grown up a bit in this time? If she can now handle things without your help, BUT will be happy to have your company?Do NOT count on it, of course. Both you and her might meet new partners in the meantime and not need each other any more, but I think this option is the safest if your love is already turning into hate and resentment (i.e. your feeling "like a doormat" and "like you've bent over backwards". Let's say you have-so what?In normal circumstances you should be happy to do so, not resentful.)
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A
female
reader, janniepeg  +, writes (20 June 2015):
 You are not doing anything wrong. I bet she was bored, unamused and irritated before meeting you and had thought that a relationship could lift her from that forever. Now that the honeymoon period is gone she's blaming it on you that her life is no longer interesting. This happens to people who have no life goals, no known purpose and gets depressed as a result. You can't decide how she lives her life but one thing you could do is remind her what her gifts are, and what makes her happy. Her source of happiness can't just fall on one guy. It's too much burden for him to carry.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (20 June 2015):
 Well, IF she wants to see other people I would end it, and let her go.
I do understand why she gets mad at "derogatory" statements because you know they are out of line. EVEN when they are not directed at anyone, it's still DEROGATORY and stupid. So AT LEAST learn from that and start thinking before you speak. You are not some "dumb" teenager any more, so don't ACT like one. IT is wrong, and you DO know better.
To be honest, I think your relationship has run it's course. She may know that not many guys will put up with her mood-swings, but THAT is no reason to stay together.
I think for YOU, ending it IS the best solution. Because if you keep dating her, you will JUST BE a "fall-back guy" and wait for the other shoe to drop or ... for her to find someone she REALLY wants to be with.
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A
male
reader, Garbo +, writes (20 June 2015):
 I wish you described some of her behavior towards other people who are close to her, say sister or family with whom she has a very close relationship, and whether she has any tantrums with them as well, because if so, that would be a major clue that she has Anger Disorder (or Intermittent Explosive Disorder). People with this disorder use the ones with whom they are very close to discharge their anger because they know the close ones will not hold it against them. In fact, your description particularly "walking on eggs" is another major symptom of that because simmering irritation inside her can be triggered by any sort of an action by you so that it gets discharged as anger. Anger outburst is actually therapeutic to them because it is a release of the compulsion but afterwords they often feel sense of guilt which they wish not to talk about (as tho nothing happened swear it under the rug). Folks with this sort of disorder often have another associated disorder, like OCD or depression or mania, so I would suggest that you research on the web for symptoms that are associated with anger so you could find the best match for her particular behavior. After some research, find a way to get her looked at by a psychiatrist who can prescribe her medication. It is also wise to have a video of her anger eruptions so that the psychiatrist can diagnose her better. There are bunch of mood stabilizing drugs on the market and irrespective of her actual diagnosis one of those mood stabilizers will definitively work for her. Alternatively, you can dump her and walk away.
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