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age
51-59,
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writes: Here's the situation. My g/f of just over a year is finishing her college course at the moment, and pretty stressed by it. She hasn't been in touch for several days (and no response to messages). This itself wouldn’t bother me (I know what that stress is like, plus I need my own space as much as the next person!), other than the fact that:1) She has done this before. The last time she unexpectedly went into total ‘radio silence’, I – foolishly – got a bit insecure, as (in my experience) cutting off contact without warning normally means you want to break up, which is what I assumed she was doing. However, we talked through it, and she apologised for just cutting me off. She has since been on ‘eggshells’ about my reaction, although I’ve not actually done it again.2) Surely it’s not a great sign if someone can quite readily push you completely off their ‘priority’ list when it suits them? She’s said in the past that she just wanted someone “on the periphery” this time, after two unsuccessful marriages. Oddly enough, she has acknowledged that one of the reasons the second one ended is because she ignored him, forgot that a relationship requires effort from both sides, and took him for granted.3) She was getting more distant with me in the last few weeks anyway. Part of me wants to give her a call and say “hello” – to show that I’m still thinking of her. She may be wondering why I’ve not called for 3 days (although I have texted).Another part of me thinks that I should leave her to make contact, if/when she wants to. Now certainly isn’t the time to be pushy, and I respect that she needs to focus on college.And yet another part of me thinks that I’d actually be better off moving on anyway, as this person obviously isn’t really sufficiently interested in me. Any advice on which option to follow…?
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reader, anonymous, writes (12 June 2010): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionDekten, she is "the one" because she ticked ALL the boxes for me. it just clciked in a way that I've vener felt it for anyone else. And, for the first four or five months, it was amazing.
A quick update though, as the situation has moved on...
Afetr a couple of 'normal' chats over the last couple of days, we had a longer one yesterday. She said that she felt stifled, that she felt pressured to always be with me on her child-free weekends (every fortnight), that I loved her "too intensely", she felt pressured to have a physical relationship when she was with me, she didn't feel comortable with me being so involved with her kids, etc.
She wants to carry on, but "reel things in". She likes my company, but wants to go back to dating rather than a full-on relationship. And we got to the (inevitable) "maybe we time to think out it."
I ended by saying "okay, well you know where I am."
I respect her need for "space", but - on the other hand - I have supported her through this year at college, given her plenty of "space", am always have offered to babysit during the week ... basically, I've tried to work around her quite a bit. Maybe that's been the mistake: I've tried too hard to please, and she's lost respect for me.
The best thing I can think to do is give her space for a while. Not contact her for a week, then just a friendly text - if no contact from her first.
But logic dictates that this cannot work. It would involve too many compromises (none of which she appears willing to make). And someone truly in love would not feel the things she told me.
"Dead and buried", as Honeygirl says...
A
male
reader, Dekten  +, writes (9 June 2010):
If only logic and emotion could give you the same conclusion...
But let's think logically here: what were your thoughts and dreams about "the one" before you met her? In your dream scenario, is this what you envisioned?
Just take some distance from the situation... give yourself a chance to collect your thoughts.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (9 June 2010): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionHoneygirl - yes, that does appear to be the logical conclusion. I don't really want to acknowledge it though, as she was (is?) "the one".
Dekten - I agree. One way or another, it needs to be sorted. Even if breaking up is not she wants to do, this behaviour must stop. Or it will be me who calls it quits.
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A
male
reader, Dekten +, writes (9 June 2010):
My advice would be to have one calm phone call with her to clear things up. It will give you the answer you need and, if need be, closure.
Unless she indicates clearly and unequivocally (without saying things like "maybe", "guess so", etc) that she wants to be with you, let her go.
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A
female
reader, Honeygirl  +, writes (9 June 2010):
 Hun, I think this one is dead and buried. Move on with your life.
Honeygirl
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