A
male
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:I’ve been with my gf for almost 11 months, and we just had a conversation that severely divides and strains us. She’s 25. I’m 26. We’re both Asians. My mom had wanted me to clean her dryer front trapped lint for some time at her home. While cleaning it, I accidentally punctured the aluminum duct with a big hole. I went to the store and bought a new one to replace it.After finishing the cleaning, I stopped by my gf’s place to dine out for dinner. During dinner, I told her about the cleaning that I did for my mom. She immediately asked if I can take a look at it too for her parents’ dryer. I responded that I am okay with cleaning it, but since their dryer is much more modern, I am afraid that I would break something that can be expensive. Taking her opportunity, she said that I can just buy a new one to replace it since it’s “just $300-$400” dollars anyway. I said that’s not reasonable to expect me to pay for it if I break it, since I am just helping out without asking for anything. As a result, I said it’s probably not a good idea.Her mood changed completely, and her eyes started to tear up while shaking her head. She then asked why I paid for my mom to fix her dryer and wouldn’t want to fix her parents’ dryer. I told her, “She’s my mom.” She then repeatedly thanked me for “waking her” up. She then started to say that I’m “calculating with her.” She then said that she considers me as a “family member,” and she wouldn’t mind paying at all for the dryer if it breaks. She then reasoned that since I am unwilling to pay for it, that I don’t consider her and her family as my family member. She said that if I did, then I wouldn’t mind paying for the dryer to fix it if it gets broken. I then said that if we’re married, then it wouldn’t be a question. She takes that statement and my unwillingness to pay as saying that I don’t consider her/her family as my family member.She said, straight to my face, that she no longer considers me a family member and that everything from now on is 50/50. Normally, I paid almost every single time when we dine out, which is 6 days a week. She also stated that she wants her apartment key back, since we’re no longer a family member.I told her that if the situation were reversed, then I would still consider her as a family member even if she refuses to pay. In fact, I don’t force her to pay so that she can be considered as “family member.” However, she keeps reasoning that if I consider her as family, then I wouldn’t mind paying at all.I am at a total loss for words. I don’t know how to explain my view. I feel my gf only considers me as a “family member” only if I am willing to pay for her family. I feel that’s nothing more than blackmail. She said that she’s okay with us going back to friendship. She also said that we’re still bf/gf, but I am just a “stranger” since we’re not family member anymore. What do I do? I feel she's on the verge of breaking up with me over this unless I agree to her side.
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female
reader, Tisha-1 +, writes (2 June 2011):
 Just stay calm, cool and collected when talking to her and if she gets upset, ask her why she's so emotional about this. Perhaps there's a history of abandonment or lack of support. At any rate, you have had one eye-opening encounter with her about this and perhaps there are other mini red flags that are cropping up.
Good luck to you.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (1 June 2011): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionUpdate 2: She told me in person today that she was rude to me yesterday, but she never apologized. For some reason she was cheery and happy to see me and acted as if it was a minor disagreement. She asked me if I see her side now. I simply said that I disagree with her ideals of the extreme version of what it means to be family.
She went on to say that she "exploded" because she felt "upset and disappointed." I didn't respond. We had the disagreements, yes, but the words she said were quiet hurtful. I was also starting to feel rather angry after hearing her attempt to rationalize, and so I simply told her that we'll discuss it later when both sides are calmer. I simply told her that and drove home.
I will take a few days to collect myself and try to explain to her my view points. I feel; however; that she's trying to brush this off as something small.
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A
female
reader, Abella +, writes (1 June 2011):
 I am certainly impressed with your logical follow up and it is very clear that you have this situation well sussed out, and can recognize the incongruence emanating from the fast 'change of tack' by your girlfriend. Such a fast 'about face' always makes me suspect falseness when people can change overnight from distraught to serene 'no problem, what problem?' in a few hours.I think the advice from other Aunts is very pertinent, though particularly the good advice from Tisha-1, jdd and Idoneitagain.I do hope this situation works out ok for you.
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A
female
reader, jdd +, writes (31 May 2011):
Wow -- I had to check to see your age, because this girls behavior sounds exactly like that ---- a girl, acting like a teenager who is still learning how to understand her emotionsI agree with your assessment of the situation. You were being smart in wanting to mitigate your damages. You have the sense to see where a problem could lie and chose to avoid it. If this is a one time occurrence, I think i would let it slide. Maybe she was having a REALLY off day --- it happens. But if this is something that is typical of her character, you may want to reconsider what you are doing with her. I certainly wouldn't back down on my position. She is either seeing how far she can push you and get her way, or she has a warped perception of what "family" is on so many levels. But then again, I wouldnt want to waste my time debating something that she is making up as she goes along, and something so left field. Here is some advice, I have recently given myself that I wish I realized long ago ----- even if I am just dating for fun and not looking into it becoming long term, you just never know -- the person you are dating today may be the one you marry tomorrow. --- just saying :)
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A
female
reader, Tisha-1 +, writes (31 May 2011):
Your mom SHOULD be more important to you than her family, or frankly, at this point in time, more important than she is. Sorry, but you two are dating for less than a year, you aren't discussing marriage and it isn't even on the horizon yet. Your girlfriend is picking a fight for a hypothetical situation.
You two do indeed have a different approach to what belongs to whom, and this is a bit of a red flag for you. I'm not sure it's breakup-worthy but it's a significant difference between you.
I'm with you, what's yours is yours, at this point in time, and what's hers is hers. If she insists on being angry at you for this, you may want to examine her beliefs in other areas; you two may not be as compatible as you'd like.
I would keep my cool with her on this topic, you have your view on how to prioritize your family, friends and girlfriend and if she can't live with it, well, that's kind of HER problem. It's not like you espouse some extreme version of family/friend separation.
The picking of a fight for no reason is a bit sketchy on her part. Weird, like she was looking for something to be upset with you about.
I take back what I said about managing her feelings. Let her sort those out herself. Stick to your logical stance, stay calm, cool, collected and look at her in puzzlement if she continues this really weird choo-choo train of thought. It's disrespectful of her toward her parents to suggest that they can't handle their own stuff. In fact, isn't it HER who should be cleaning out her dryer vents, if this a parallel situation? Weird.
I'd let her stew, stick to your guns, don't pick a fight about it, but just let her figure out that the universe doesn't necessary align itself for her pleasure whenever she wishes it to.
Good luck.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (31 May 2011): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionUpdate 1: She called me this morning, and she was being very sweet as if nothing happened. I am afraid it’s a game of manipulation that she’s playing, or she has some hidden agenda. I am not sure how to approach this with her today or should I just take a day or two off to myself.@Abella: She thinks that I consider my mom is more important to me than her and her family, because I am unwilling to pay for the repair if I accidentally break it. She mentioned that she asked that question to "test" me. I should correct that she doesn’t expect me to pay for it, but she reasoned it’s my unwillingness to pay is upsetting her. My role as a boyfriend isn't to support her and her family, financially. She explicitly said to me that say day at the restaurant that she considers what's mine is hers and what's hers is mine. For me, her money is hers, not mine. I don't put a conditional price on what it means to love someone or to be "family member." Her reason, if I consider them as a "family member," then I wouldn't have any hesitation to pay for them. She's very upset that I think my money is for me and my unwillingness to pay is equating to being "calculated", “cheap”, and not a “family member.”@Tisha-1: We are not anywhere remotely close to marriage. She had told me many times that she wants to finish with her graduate school first, and it’ll be at least 3 more years before we’ll get married.
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A
female
reader, Tisha-1 +, writes (31 May 2011):
Okay, this is not just about the dryer and the definition of a 'family member.' First of all, I agree with your stance on this. You shouldn't be expected to pay for a dryer you might break as you were trying to do her a favor. That's unreasonable.
Face it, you AREN'T family. You are boyfriend. I think there's a distinction there.
The thing is that she's reacting to the fact you aren't family, and that maybe she's resenting that you haven't asked her to marry you yet. This may all be her emotionality about that disappointment. It just came out in the dryer drama.
I think she is being unreasonable from the financial standpoint but if you want to figure out how to manage her emotions around this you need to get her in touch with the basis of her own disappointment. She may be upset and not actually understand why.
Have you been discussing marriage? Has she been waiting for you to ask? Is she disappointed that you haven't asked her yet? This may be at the base of her over-reaction. And yes, it IS an over-reaction on her part.
The thing is, if you try to be logical about this, you aren't going to solve the real problem, which is that she is feeling vulnerable and unhappy about this. This isn't about logic, this is about her feelings.
So if I were you, I'd start using language that supports her emotionally. Like "I'm sorry you are upset by all this. I do feel close to you and feel like we are a couple. It's just that we technically aren't married and haven't combined our families yet. I do feel close to your family and respect them highly. It would be disrespectful of me to assume a stance of 'son' when in fact I am merely 'boyfriend' and I am sensitive to that. It might be upsetting to my mother to have me treat your mother as a mother-in-law, and I have to be very careful of all your feelings.
"I am sorry you are feeling so upset by this and I wonder if there's something more to this than I fully understand yet. Would you like to talk about this?"
She had a fantasy in her head about how you fit into her world and the whole dryer thing has kind of destroyed it. She's still figuring out how to cope with that.
Reassure her that you love her (if you do) and that you have a great deal of respect and care for her parents. Talk about what marriage and family means to you, and LISTEN to what it means to her.
This may all be a huge misunderstanding and I think you are technically correct in this. But, that doesn't mean she doesn't have the right to her feelings, which are ones of disappointment. She just has to process them and you have to help her to come to see your side, as you work to understand her side.
It may be that she is waiting for a proposal and this is her unbelievably clumsy way of bringing you to that point. Have you been missing other clues, other cues that she is waiting? Have you been ring-shopping? Have you talked about starting a family? Are you attending a bunch of weddings this summer? Did a sister or close friend of hers get married recently?
Remember this isn't about logic or being right, this is about the feelings she is experiencing, okay? I know you right, she knows you are right, but it doesn't lessen the hurt, okay?
Good luck.
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A
male
reader, idoneitagain  +, writes (31 May 2011):
Your gut instinct is correct, this is a kind of blackmail or manipulation, but she may not mean to be doing it. There is a problem with the logic. She takes this to mean that you would pay for your parents but not her parents. What you are actually concerned about is taking responsibility for things that are not your responsibility, and doing a favour for someone that will cost you money. If my parents asked me to buy them something that cost $1000, I would not have a problem, but if they wanted me to go to their house and clean something and if I got it wrong it would cost me $300, I would say no, it is not my responsibility to take that risk. It is not a question of money or generosity, or how much you see her family as your own family.
However, your girlfriend has taken it to mean that you don't see her family as your own, and as a consequence, is manipulating you by threatening you with the end of the relationship as it has been. She thinks that it is the honorable thing to do, that she is standing up for her family and her values, but she is way out of line with you. Her heart might be in the right place, but she is being manipulative and blackmailing you, and most importantly did not make an effort to try and understand your point of view. You are not doing what you are doing for the reasons that she says you are.
There is a difference between doing something and making a mistake and having to pay for that mistake, and putting yourself at unnecessary risk to do someone a favour that will cost you money, when you are not responsible. If you accidently broke something of your gf's parents, you would pay for it no problem. It is putting yourself at risk that you object to, and you are 100% right, it is not your responsibility.
You owe it to your girlfriend to do what you can to try and communicate your point of view, to help her understand where you are coming from, as well as understand where she is coming from. If you are able to get to that point where that gets sorted out, you would then have to deal with the fact that your girlfriend manipulated you and wasn't on your side, and that she was ready to give up on you so quickly and easily without giving you the benifit of the doubt, or hearing your side so that you could explain yourself fully. If that happened to me and I were in your position, I would be really very upset at the manipulation, and would have to question my relationship, but it wouldn't have to be the end, it would depend on how it was dealt with.
Good luck.
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A
female
reader, Abella +, writes (31 May 2011):
Call her bluff. She IS trying to emotionally blackmail you. She is being completely unreasonable. And equating a monetary contribution as the way she guages your commitment to her.
This is a gold-digging mindset and I find it very distasteful in a relationship of two people who should be enjoying an equitable relationship.
Give yourself a break from her.
If you get lots of emotional histrionics and displays of crocodile tears then leave her to her school yard behavior behind.
Let her know how you feel about her potentially exploitive approach. And let her know that you need a break for four weeks with no contact in that time.
It will be a test of her maturity.
And a test of how much she really cares.
While you take the break you may miss her, or you may find it more peaceful.
If you then both want to rekindle the relationship after four weeks, then establish some ground rules.
And she should be pleased that you are kind and respectful towards your own mother. It makes you potentially good husband material.
But doing something nice for your mother should not then require that you replicate the same for her parents . A gift is a gift, not a 'tit for tat' arrangement where you have to match everything dollar for dollar.
Your girlfriend is acting the role, as if she is one of two squabbling siblings, in front of parents, where if one gets a new thing, then the other wants the same. Your girl friend's assessment about what is normal or appropriate is a very skewed view of how family life should be. Wherever did she learn such exploitive values and attitudes?
You did that for your mother as a gift.
Why can't her parents pay for their own repairs? Or if they are poor then why can't their daughter be kind to her parents, and pay for the repairs by herself? just as you were kind to your Mom?
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A
male
reader, the_phoenic  +, writes (31 May 2011):
well i didnt read the whole thread
but i can tell you something
she well continue black mailing as long as it works
with you,just pretens that you didnt understand
and do what you want to do aslong as it is not selfish and you know it is the right thing to do eventually she well stop
Good Luck
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