A
female
age
41-50,
*dd
writes:I am seeking advice from men who have cheated repeatedly or other wives who have been married to serial cheaters. I have been married for 11 years and I have been able to prove and also receive confessions from my husband that he has cheated 5 times. When I say cheat --- I mean sex. The first time was a few months after we got married (didnt know at the time),then there was the one that I forgave him for, 2 of the occurrences was when I was pregnant w/twins, and the last was almost 2 years ago. Every time I caught him (except this last time), I had that gut feeling. I have had that feeling many times over the years. At present, he is in another state for a new job. He is expecting that I will be moving there soon with the kids as soon as our house is sold (under contract now). I'm pretty much over him, but I am considering sucking it up because the kids adore him. I dont trust him for obvious reasons and I strongly believe that I never will. I'm just curious --- what are the odds that I caught him every time? I strongly believe that it has happened on other occasions. Of course, he denies that :) I am plagued with guilt (with the idea of leaving him and hurting my kids) and I feel the weight of the world on my shoulders. I know it sounds crazy, but I feel like I let too much time pass since the last incident to leave without that uncertainty that I have. I am not looking for advice that tells me to run for the hills, etc. I know he is an idiot, and I am far from weak. Staying with him has taken more strength than leaving would. I ask this because if I do stay married to him. I will eventually fall back in to all my roles as a spouse. If I am even considering having a loveless marriage and loveless sex --- I'm wondering if I am being naive to think his cheating ways were all that I have discovered and officially over. I certainly dont want to hang in there only to get dropped at his convenience later. Nor do I want to get god knows what. So do you think it has only been the 5 times I caught him? Do you think it has ended? ------(sorry for the rambling, there is a great deal to this story and hard to shorten it and create a somewhat accurate picture) Reply to this Question
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reader, anonymous, writes (15 February 2013): You are not crazy. As women we are conditioned to be giving and loving and so forth. But wouldn't it be great to not be afraid or sick to your stomach every time you read the credit card statement or clean out his shirt pockets? Do you check every scrap of paper for a phone number? Do you look in the mirror and feel ugly? I read a story about a man who did all kinds of lovely things for his wife on valentines day and I burst into tears. My ex never did those things for me. He called me names like thing and cunt. But never treated me like a queen or even an equal partner. I deserved that, so do you. Why not give a real man a chance to make you happy?
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (2 June 2011): I really appreciate your responses. I consider myself a fairly intelligent person, but I tend to be foolish when it comes to my marriage. As crazy as it seems, I like to know that there are others that do not think I am crazy. I worry so much about how this will affect the kids. I have heard it going either way. I want to be happy and I think in the end the kids will see a mom that is full of life again. I am fully capable of carrying on a very cordial relationship with my husband, if we were to divorce; but I am uncertain how he will behave....he tends to think about himself first :( I know it is inevitable...I think it is time to actually move on to the next step of my exit strategy. Step one is near done - I am graduating school in another month!! Now it is time to get a job and start myself a little stash to make it easier.
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A
female
reader, rocc  +, writes (1 June 2011):
There is no point in living in a marrage like this just for kids. You will be always unhappy and that will affect the kids anyway. It will end up like your kids might know how many more times he cheated and you wouldn't know in the future.
Better move out stay near him so that kids can see the dad. Yes it hard work to stay in such a relationship than moving out. But moving out is the right answer, its tough, but will work its way out.
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A
male
reader, idoneitagain  +, writes (31 May 2011):
I would say it is far more likely he has cheated more times, and that you only know about the time you have caught him. Your intuition tells you this too.
Let me ask you this: Is there any reason why he would stop cheating? Every time he has cheated, you have taken him back. In other words, you have given him the message that he can cheat and there will not be any consequences, basically that it is ok for him to do it, that he can get away with it. Sure you might be upset and angry for a while, but after a while things settle down and he can do it again. So what makes you think it has ended? Why would he stop?
If a serial cheater is to ever stop, they would need a compelling reason to do so, and even then that is no guarantee that they will stop. Your feelings of guilt are part of the manipulation that you are experiencing in the relationship.
You say that it takes more strength to stay than to leave. I think it takes different qualities which determine whether you stay or leave, and the qualities which result in staying are the strongest in you. You will most likely find you are unable to leave unless you develop what is necessary in order for you to leave. You have choices, such as choosing to get some form of help and support in order to get to the point where you can leave, if you want to do that, but you are unlikely to be able to do it on your own. I might be wrong about this, perhaps it is best to heed advice from others who have been in your position before.
Nothing will change in this set up, unless you change it. If you don't you are in for more of the same, there is no reason why this would be the end of his behaviour.
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