A
male
age
51-59,
anonymous
writes:HiIve been with my girlfriend 2 years now, things are good and we are planning to move in together in the next few weeks. In the bedroom though i have a real issue, oral.At the start, she gave oral regularly (2 or 3 times a week) and said she got off on how it turned me on.Now its once a month, and last week she said she doesnt enjoy doing it because "im quite a big chap and it makes her mouth ache" and because"the sensation of it hitting her mouth sometimes makes her gag'I can live with not finishing in her mouth, but it seems that oral is going to become even rarer as a result.I always give oral etc and make a big effort to make sure shes satisfied. The only limit is how much foreplay / oral without sex she wants.I said i love what she does, but obviously dont want to force her into anything she doesnt enjoy.But i dont really know what to do, my instinct is that it will die out altogether once we are living together.I know it seems such a tiny issue ..theres more to life than BJ, but im not sure i can go the next 40 years getting 1 a year or something.So, what would you guys do? Just move in and accept oral isnt going to happen?. Or can you think of ways to make it more enjoyable for her? She said taste isnt an issue...Thanks
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reader, anonymous, writes (5 October 2010): Why dont you incorporate BJ's to finish off with rather than at the begining of the foreplay...that way she wont get "lock Jaw"
I disagree with the last poster..BJ's rule over hand jobs...esp if she looks at you with those cum to me eyes!! LMAO..and if she lets you come in her mouth & swallows even better!!
A
male
reader, olderthandirt  +, writes (5 October 2010):
 Look! BJs are great and all but NOTHING beats a great hand job by your girl. Assuming she's good at it that's all a guy really needs...it's way better than oral sex any day.
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male
reader, bruce lee  +, writes (23 April 2010):
 Oh well, at least you've got a girlfriend. Don't be too selfish. Maybe you can pray to God for help. He might put a message inside her head that that's what you want without you having to mention it at all.
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A
female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (21 April 2010):
 I am not so surprised. I know a lot of women who do not particularly like performing fellatio. I am not even talking about those who find it disgusting,or weird, or anything like that. It 's just that it does not stimulate directly any female erogenous part and it gets sort of boring if it lasts too long. The excitement is mental,is about doing something that visibly excites yr partner a lot, but it's a thrill that tends to dwindle with repetition. Sad ,perhaps :)but true.
Not such a big deal in a harmonious couple though. It's not her favourite sexual activity but I am sure she will continue to do it occasionally because she knows you like it and she wants to please you. Same as you do, or would do , things that turn her on a lot , but not yourself.
Particularly if you do not make a big issue of that .
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female
reader, Tisha-1  +, writes (21 April 2010):
 I was exaggerating about the head-pushing and hair pulling to make a point; I should have been clearer about that. Giving a blowjob is a very vulnerable position to be in, and if she's feeling at all like she's being used, she's going to balk at doing it. There IS a difference between oral sex on a woman and oral sex on a man, and if the guy is large and a prone to thrusting, the woman (if she is at all hesitant in the first place) isn't going to feel relaxed about it.
Again, I go back to having a really frank and open conversation with her about this. Don't have it in bed, or if you do, have it AFTER sex, and be all cuddled up with her.
There are certain times of the month when sense of smell is acute, or you can't breathe through your nose or you just feel ritchety about it. Maybe you were a bit stinky a couple of times and didn't realize it. Maybe your pubic hair bothers her too. Be prepared for some honesty on her part and don't get defensive about it.
Think of this as a mutual goal, you both want to experience pleasure and you both want to give it.
The gag reflex thing is real and there's nothing worse than thinking you are going to vomit during oral sex. So maybe she doesn't need to take you in so deeply. Maybe she just needs to focus on the head and let her hands deal with the shaft. Think of the mechanics.
I knew a guy who couldn't brush his teeth without gagging! It was a problem for him to keep good oral hygiene. If your girlfriend is gagging, you need to stop doing whatever it is that is making her gag and adjust the mechanics. And you need to be okay with that. If she knows she's not going to be gagging the whole time, she'll be more likely to want to do it, especially if she knows it makes you happy.
After the oral sex, make sure you cradle her face gently in your hands and thank her with a gentle and loving kiss. That's the kind of fuss I meant. She wants to feel appreciated and loved too.
In one of those Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus kind of books, there was a very interesting discussion about oral sex. It basically changed the way I thought about it. It said to think of the man's penis as a miniature version of him, stuck there between his legs. How would you treasure and love that mini-him? By accepting and adoring that mini-him, you are treasuring and adoring the rest of him. It's good for his psyche, it's good for emotional bonding with him. Try to convey that to her in a way that doesn't sound whiny, lol, and that may make her wake up and pay attention.
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female
reader, Not My Name  +, writes (21 April 2010):
 I agree with the two previous posters - except about the hair pulling lol - I like that. :-)
You can get numbing sprays to help with the gag reflex, (wether they help or not who knows) ...tho if a woman is gunna gag on anything, it should be her own choice and action causing it, not some guy shoving her head or thrusting right down her throat, ..that is just bad manners imo and an almost guaranteed turn off for the woman.
I strongly suggest tho that you look at the rest of the relationship for a possible reason for this, coz i know for myself I love giving BJ's and if I drop off wanting to do it, it is coz i have dropped off the guy himself, not the action.
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reader, anonymous, writes (21 April 2010): You should talk to her, i love giving oral but some people just dont, but you cant hide your feelings it will start to annoy you and then that will impact on your relationship, never hide anything from your girlfriend.
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reader, anonymous, writes (21 April 2010): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionHey all thanks for the responses.
Just to clarify, i would never push her onto me, and i never pressure her into anything, all ive said is shes very good at them and that i love them. When she does do them i make a lot of fuss about it as well.
I let her pick her position which is normally me lying on my back.
I guess at the end of the day if she simply doesnt like it i should accept that.. and we have a great relationship otherwise
I do wonder how she would respond if i decided i didnt enjoy oral though (i wouldnt do tit for tat but it makes me wonder)
Maybee im being petty putting importance on getting a BJ from time to time?
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A
female
reader, Tisha-1 +, writes (21 April 2010):
Great answer by rambini; I just want to add that she shouldn't be using ONLY her mouth. She should be using her mouth supplemented by her hands, so her mouth isn't wide open and stretched like she's undergoing some awful procedure at the dentist's office.
So the penis slides through the hand into the mouth, just the tip in the mouth, then back out of the mouth completely but surrounded by the hand(s), so there's not much change in sensation for you. She has a chance to open and close her mouth so it's not so uncomfortable.
The thing we women forget about our men is that oral sex is a cherishing activity. It is very intimate and shows complete acceptance and love.
The thing you men forget about us women is that we don't appreciate having our head forced onto the penis, we don't like our head hair pulled or yanked, we don't like being treated like a receptacle. We want to be properly thanked and appreciated for giving oral. We don't like having it demanded of us.
I think you should talk about how special having oral sex makes you feel, how loved and cherished. How connected to her you feel when she's doing it and how you feel special and thankful and blissful when she does do it. Encourage her with love, don't pout or whine when she doesn't.
I think changing her idea of how to do it, maybe it's more manual with oral on top, if you understand me. This notion of deepthroating and having to do all the stimulation with the mouth only is very off-putting because it makes a woman gag and get a terrible jaw-ache. That will put a woman off it. But through hand, into mouth, back out of mouth, still in hand, may be a good solution for both of you. Try suggesting that and see how that goes.
You can also try having a calm, loving, open and heartfelt talk with her, trying to find out more about how it makes her feel. Be accepting of what she says and think about making it easier for her. Let her choose the position, let her put her head and hands and elbows where she choose.
Good luck and let us know how you get on.
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female
reader, rambini +, writes (21 April 2010):
 I have to be honest, as a woman I do slightly sympathise with your gf about the sensation of it hitting her mouth, it isn't a nice sensation and if it hits in certain places it can make you gag.
saying that, it is important in a relationship to give and take, so i think its about finding a compromise.
to do it fairly regularly in the past, it probably isnt that she hates doing it altogether, which is a good start.
my first advice would be to avoid cumming in her mouth, she can give you a BJ but if you tell her just beforehand, then it will avoid the gagging problem whilst still giving you pleasure.
also, if it takes a while to get to that point, it actually can give you jaw-lock!! silly as it sounds, after a sustained period of time is does get quite painful. a solution to this might be to pleasure you with her hands for a little bit first to get you warmed up, then use her mouth so that she isnt having to do it for ages.
Give her plenty of encouragement when she does do it, make sure she knows how great shes making you feel, and hopefully things will improve for you both!
best of luck x
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