A
male
age
36-40,
*oom
writes:Dear readers, i’m wih my gf practecly 11 months.And last 2 weeks it’s been a bit difficult, we’ve been arguing each day for nothing.I’ve tried to give her space it worked for a couple of days, bu tthen it began again.her motives were too much work,and family problems.It’s been 4 days since i twas ok, and our relationship went as i twas.but i was curious what happend those 2 weeks.Just not to make the same mistakes and she answered : i was telling her i love her too much,i was carying too much, and a bit obssest and soft.What does that meen? Too nice, and soft…I think lot of you readers had this situation in a relationship, how did you change.thank you Reply to this Question
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female
reader, Not My Name  +, writes (21 April 2010):
 I love Kahlil Gibran, and that is one of my favourite poems, ..thanks for posting it Tish, had a great read and reminice about when I first heard it. Soul food :-)
...and to the OP, ..really absorb those words coz they are so on the money, and so much too about mainitaining our own identity and independence whilst still being part of something great and shared. Enhance each other, don't depend on each other.
A
female
reader, Tisha-1  +, writes (21 April 2010):
 I take it to mean that you were too smothering of her, you were like a great big lump, begging for reassurance and love over and over again. That is tiring, not sexy and makes you look like a great big needy child.
She wants you to have some independence, to not make her the center of your world, to be active and interested in other things and not spend all your waking moments thinking about her.
Life is meant to be lived side by side, pulled together, looking forward. It feels claustrophobic to have your partner expecting to always wanting to be face-to-face, locked together, looking only at each other.
There's a great example by Kahlil Gibran:
"But let there be spaces in your togetherness,
And let the winds of the heavens dance between you.
Love one another but make not a bond of love:
Let it rather be a moving sea between the shores of your souls.
Fill each other's cup but drink not from one cup.
Give one another of your bread but eat not from the same loaf.
Sing and dance together and be joyous, but let each one of you be alone,
Even as the strings of a lute are alone though they quiver with the same music.
Give your hearts, but not into each other's keeping.
For only the hand of Life can contain your hearts.
And stand together, yet not too near together:
For the pillars of the temple stand apart,
And the oak tree and the cypress grow not in each other's shadow. "
It sounds a bit apart but it illustrates the need for space and personal growth.
Your girl is feeling smothered, claustrophobic and this will kill her desire for you. Let her miss you, give her a chance to want to be with you. It may not be as often as you would like, but this doesn't mean she doesn't care for you. Okay? Just adjust your expectations of her a bit.
I hope this helps!
Good luck.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (21 April 2010): You're being over bearing with your affection towards her, you need to take a step back a little. Basically she wants to be your equal not your object of worship.
While that might have been cute for a while it get's old, by all means show her affection and stuff but she doesn't need to hear about it every time you think it, she's aware of your feelings towards her.
Too nice and soft, could be a number of things but it seems to me you're neglecting her need for strength from you, not always agreeing with what she says, or backing down in an argument just to make peace, women find a sense of security in a man that maintains his own space and independence in a relationship and is not just wholly devoted to them.
If you're constantly giving her attention then that gets boring, it becomes habit and the excitement is lost. The same way if you eat your favourite food every day, even though love it you get sick of eating it, it becomes bland. There's a time and a place for affection and there's a time and a place to just sit back in her company let her get on with things.
You're hitting the comfort zone in your relationship, the end of the honeymoon phase where you would put up with just about anything to keep the other person interested, you're with each other long enough now and presumably know each other well enough that excitement of the mystery is gone.
Try and remember the person you were when you first started dating her, thats the guy she liked enough to start dating, I don't know what your situation was then but maybe you need to discover some of the independence you had back then, perhaps you've stopped doing things you enjoyed to spend more time with her.
Above all just remember she's got a lot on her plate at the moment and it sounds like it's a bit overwhelming, give her space and time to deal with those things and let her call on you if she needs you.
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