A
male
age
51-59,
*es177
writes:Hello all. My girlfriend of about 6 months has some amazing notions and has me a little upset. She gets pissed at the min I'm at my ex's, i.e. picking up my kids, driving by if I didn't get a chance to see them for a while,etc. She basically says I shouldn't have any contact with my ex. But, since she owns some properties with her ex husband she feels I should be secure with her going out to dinner, sleeping in the same room (not in same bed) (one of their houses are under construction), drive to see their kids together in chicago while there parents are watching them until they settle their divorce, etc ... The latest is her spending the weekend at "their house" to "study" because she needed quite time. The craziest thing is that I do trust her and realize that her relationship with her ex is over. I still get jealous, more pissed because of her reactions to my ex, etc ... Thanks for your insights!
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divorce, her ex, jealous, my ex Reply to this Question
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male
reader, ces177 +, writes (23 March 2008):
ces177 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI appreciate all of your time and responses! I'm not sure what to do. She says she has never loved before and now with me there's a whole new line of thought. She has understood some commitment issues, but there just seems to be more and more suprises. If it wasn't for all the passion and chemistry I would have nipped it a few months back... Thanks again for all of your time...
A
male
reader, lovinit +, writes (23 March 2008):
well she gets annoyed because you are with your ex.i would get annoyed if my girlfriend was with her ex.. wouldn't you be just a bit jealous? sounds like she has been cheated on. let her know daily you love her and wouldn't do anything to hurt her. do nice things for her and keep this up for a few weeks or if possible... for life. let her know that "you don't like having an ex as much as the next person does" but i have kids with her so you are either going to live with this or leave because my kids are the most important thing to me. if she doesn't like this then she shouldn't be with you.lay the law on her!
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (23 March 2008): Agree with all the Aunts and especially rcn. To quote him, I also have to say ...Yikes! The lady does have issues. She's inappropriately jealous and she doesn't trust. This all stems from fear and it's gripped her. No matter how you look at it, jealousy is always an ugly emotion. You sound like a great guy bf who really cares about her. An your gf owes it to herself to work on her jealousies before these 'ugly' feelings destroy yours and her relationship.
Your ex is the Mother of your children, She is a big part of their life so therefore, the ex is a smaller but important key player in your life as well, even though you and she have split up. You and she had children together, so this 'connection' will continue, for the rest of your life. You and your ex will share information about the proper rearing of the children, you will both be at the children's special events, their grads, their weddings, you will both share the grandchildren. This just doesn't necessarily stop with a 'divorce' especially when children are involved. There will always be times, in your life, where you will come into contact with your ex. That's a given-you can't do anything about it.
So you require a patient, understanding woman to share your life. One who is self-confident, happy within herself, fulfilled through her own efforts, empowered and in love with life. In other words, she needs to have her act together on the 'reality' front.
But she is a woman filled with fear, suspicion, lack of trust, insecurity, and a need to control. None of those are qualities, any self-respecting man should want. So my advice regarding jealousy is to never allow it to darken your, fatherly, caring spirit.
My suggestion is: Your gf needs to seek some counseling to get a better understanding of herself because her jealousy meter is set way too high and it’s making you miserable. She just need to develop new thought patterns based on reality. Jealousy can’t thrive in the reality and true love. If she continues being this dysfunctional, you will have horrendously sad future with her. Set a boundary with her, let her know now, calmly... what needs to be done to save this relationship. If she's not willing to 'get a grip' and work on herself, then you need to re-evaluate...plain and simple. Good luck, dear.
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A
female
reader, Laura1318  +, writes (23 March 2008):
 Let her rant all she wants and you do whatever you will have to do.
If she cannot take it , then let her go.
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A
female
reader, desirewhitefire  +, writes (23 March 2008):
 She's insecure and a control freak. She likes being in charge and telling you who you can and can't spend time with, but meanwhile she gets to gallivant with anyone she pleases, and then expects you to just take it and swallow it down.
Puh-lease. Women like that are a waste of time. No wonder she's getting a divorce. Her first husband probably couldn't take her anymore. Break it off and move on. There's someone out there who will respect you and understand your desire to see your children, and that's the person you should be with.
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A
female
reader, kittikat +, writes (23 March 2008):
 Wow, it sounds like she has issues at first...but then I read about the whole double standard thing and YIKES! She doesn't seem to have much respect for you, your children or herself. Normally I would say to talk to her about it and try to get her more involved or something, but she just sounds so controlling and insecure that I don't think it would do much good. Of course, we're only hearing one side- there are always different perspectives. I can't imagine what she might be thinking to act that way, but you need to be very careful with this one. Your children will always come first and having a decent relationship with your ex is an awesome thing, if she can't understand that she's not worth it. Sorry, that sucks.
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A
male
reader, rcn +, writes (23 March 2008):
 Let her know that your and your ex will have some "relationship" because you have children together, just as she and her ex do. Let her know she has no right to control your actions in visiting your children. All though your in a relationship with her, your children are still and always will be your number one concern.
Having children and starting a new relationship is difficult. Just keep in mind, the kids well being over personal happiness and you'll do fine. If she wants to be with you, she'll respect that, if not, she's not the right one for you.
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