A
male
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:I've been seeing my gf for 9 months and I'm starting to suspect her reasons for being with me are practical rather than romantic. Ever since we started dating sex and intimacy has been a bit of an issue. Basically most times thAt I attempt to get close / kiss/ cuddle I'm met with a hands up ?. Now she says that she's just not a kiss cuddly person but this also translates to the bedroom. It seems so hard to initiate sex and I don't think she ever has. Tiredness is often cited as a reason and if she's had a day off then shell put everything off till bedtime and then say it's time to go to sleep. Now if we'd been married for years/ were unhealthy or very old I'd understand this but we're in our early thirties and since day 1 there has t really been any inclination towards intimacy. On top of this I've recently moved in with her and was even contemplating - at her suggestion - buying a place with her. She talks about having a family and settling down but shouldn't we have the romance first? Now it's not like we don't have any sex/ intimacy just very irregularly- maybe once a week. I just want to get an IDEa what people think on this. Does it appear to you guys that she's with me for security and sees me as a long term partner but doesn't have the romantic connection? To me that is horrific. Surely if a couple is to last they need to have that connection/ intimacy aswell as friendship and shared values. Like I say it's not as though were old aged and incapable. Now I know alot of people will simply put it down to mismatching libido but to me that just doesn't fit. I have before been accused of being less interested in sex than my partner but never ott in that department. Also the lack of much other intimacy like just kissing or sitting on the couch together( something she seems incapable of) rings alarm bells. Why on earth is she with me and can this last lime this?
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male
reader, eek +, writes (13 January 2012):
 if your not happy with your sex life now. Bear in mind it will get worse. Once a week will probably become once a month if your lucky. There should be a lot of romance and sex especially at the beginning of a relationship. If not you need to find out Whats wrong. Are you both "romantic"? If not sex is there plenty of chemistry in your relationship (kissing / hugging) if there is no closeness i would be worried.
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (13 January 2012):
I agree with So_Very_Confused. I read this post and I was very sympathetic as my wife has similar issues until I got to the part where he says he has sex "only" once per week. Are you kidding me? Like many men, I'd have it every day if I could, but if I had sex once a week I'd be thrilled. That's about the average. Wait until it dwindles to once a month and then once a year. It's not going to be get better than once per week, that's for sure.
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A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused  +, writes (13 January 2012):
 Coming in late but I hate to tell you that once a week is pretty good for folks that live together and have lives...
IF she is not an affectionate person then there is not much you can do about it... it's how she is built.
and yes if you marry and continue together the once a week will lessen...
I doubt she is with you for security unless she is not working and you provide everything for her...
BUT if she is comfortable with things the way they are, then they will not change to make you happy.
The person with the lowest commitment to things makes the rules... I've learned this.
It's the same with sex and affetion.. the person who needs more suffers as the person who needs less sets the parameters.
I agree if you have not talked to her you must.
BUT you will probably have to make a choice here.
stay with her and accept the affection and sexual limits the way they are (as she probably will not be able to change her internal make up)
or
leave her and find someone that makes you happier physically
or
if you need more physical contact that she cannot provide, BUT everything else is PERFECT, see if she's open to you having a little something on the side for sexual release.... (again it's not an option most folks go for but I like to put it out there as an option... we are not talking about CHEATING... but rather... opening the relationship to others... NON TRADITIONAL but for some it works.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (13 January 2012): Actually it is just mismatched libido and the way she is.
Just because you're usually the one who is less interested in sex in your relationships doesn't mean that there won't be those who are even less interested.
I don't know why you continued on with this to be honest and now all of a sudden decide that there's something wrong. She has been like this from the start. She's not using you or anything like that, she's not because if she was she would have given you those things at the start to reel you in but she didn't. She was being true to herself and the way she is and she has never pretended to be anything different. She's happy with the level of affection and probably thinks you are too seeing as you're still with her, and she's so confident of that that she's planning a future with you.
I very much doubt that she sees you as some kind of idiot, I think she more feels she's lucky to finally have found someone who can accept her being the unaffectionate person she really is.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (13 January 2012): so aside from her not wanting physical intimacy, what about emotional intimacy? is she interested in you as a person ? does she want to hear what your day was like, what your thoughts and opinions are, and how you're feeling? is she respectful of your time, opinions, and needs? Does she make effort to do nice things for you?sex once a week isn't "irregularly", in my opinion. it doesn't sound bad to me at all. to me the quality, not the quantity, is what counts. but I get that the quality is pretty bad here too. I think how you have been reacting to her not wanting intimacy, can have a big influence on how much she wants it the next time or not. If you react negatively, then something that she wasn't very keen on in the first place now becomes downright unpleasant. which means she'll be even less into it the next time.but if despite this she still wants to settle down and have a family with you, then I think that yes she is using you for security. maybe that's what she sees marriage is for - it's for security not necessarily for "fun" and enjoyment. maybe she sees marriage as just something that everyone does and isn't particularly fun, like a job, and as long as it's not awful she can be content with it. but obviously this is not how you view marriage and relationships should be.I think you need to let her know of your deep disastisfaction with this relationship. tell her how you feel, but don't be angry or else it will just make her defensive and then you won't get the truth out from her of what's going on in her head as far as how she sees you and this relationship.
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A
female
reader, 1sunshine +, writes (13 January 2012):
 She has been like this from the beginning?? Wow, these 9 months that you have been dating are supposed to be the best and most exciting times of all!! Everything is new and wonderful and you guys should be in love and can't keep your hands off of one another! I think you need to get out of this relationship right way... Find someone that you are compatable with and BE HAPPY!! ***** There are plenty of fish in the sea *** ;)
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A
female
reader, tennisstar88 +, writes (13 January 2012):
 You say she's been like this since Day 1 as far as intimacy goes..Do you expect her to all of sudden change??
What is her job?
Have you tried talking to her about her lack of intimacy? I'd start there first. Maybe you're not taking the time to learn what she likes and doesn't like in bed. Do you perform oral on her? Would she open to toys or sexy lingerie?
The very few women I've met that don't care for sex either experience extreme pain from it, or have suffered from sexual abuse in their early life.
It also sounds like you two just aren't sexually compatible.
Before you go settling down with her, you need to address the intimacy issue first. Sex will lessen when you marry. That once a week, will be once a month.
Talk to her, see what the problem is, rectify it (if possible). However, if not then this relationship shouldn't go any further.
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A
male
reader, anonymous_jp  +, writes (13 January 2012):
she may have intimacy issues, maybe she was once mistreated.
but as i was reading its obvious that if things stay the same, you wont be happy and if youre not happy it wont work.
talk to her about how you feel, what youre thinking and if she reacts supportive and opens up thats awesome, if she gets defensive, says things like you just want sex etc like a lot of girls do, dont bother, break it off. if she wants you back and is willing to change let her chase you but if not, you know she's not compatible, at least not now.
there'll always be a better or worse girl than what you have. you need to decide whether what you have is enough and shes a decent person and go from there. good luck.
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