A
male
age
36-40,
*bcnewman
writes:Now I accept that our relationship is over.. I'm hurt yes blah blah but I'm trying to move on as soon as I feel ready. More on that in a sec. But my backstory has me asking questions and would love to know if anyone has been through something similar and could help just with answers..Worst of all it's happened whilst my tests are on and it's so damn distracting! hahaOk so first I should mention we were together for 6-8 weeks and it was a whirlwind until the last 6-8 days. It felt like we could be together for a bit. But her ex who she broke up with a month before we met picked his time and met her a few times in a 'sad state' and she ended up telling him to not contact her. But then she went all weird and distant with me and from nowhere, a matter of days really, we were done. I got the usual 'we're better as friends' and 'it's not you it's me, i was in the wrong headspace'. Ok fair enough. You got over me.. but, still confused nonetheless as to whether him doing this was actually a main reason as she said it wasn't..And to top it off I stupidly agreed to be friends and saw her a few nights later out, we were talking like pals but she was still touching my hands and kept saying 'you never know what happens in the future'. I'm not going to contact her this week, but she and all her firends (who love me and got angry at her for ending it haha) want me to come to her birthday party on the weekend.. should I go? I won't say a damn thing about feelings, but can I go and just let her see how good I am around all her friends and just plant the seed for letting her know we do actually really work regardless of everything else? or am I just being a fool and putting myself in the way of doing what she wants..pretty confused, answers would be awesome! and yes, im attending gigs this week and not being a sad sap at home when somethings on! thanks
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female
reader, Denise32  +, writes (31 May 2010):
 Well, sorry to hear your gf ended it with you.
Only thing is you were together very briefly; 6-8 weeks is really no time at all, and it got very intense real fast. Part of the trouble is that its better to go slowly when you first meet someone, no matter how attracted you both are, and take the time to get to really know one another.
On this point, I am friends with a man I met at the church I go to when in England, and which he also attends. That was last November. The two Sundays we talked, it was very enjoyable, but we didn't keep in touch until I returned for five weeks this spring. Now that I have Skype, we both video-visit once a week or so, and have IM'ed on it a bit more. We clearly enjoy one another's company and are attracted. To me its worth enjoying the friendship and seeing where or if it eventually might develop. And I will be back there in September for six weeks.... But then, I'm quite a bit older than you two.....mentioning this for what it may be worth......
Back to your situation: she had just broken up with her previous boyfriend before the two of you met. Possibly she was feeling conflicted, confused by the breakup, and the "whirlwind" she was experiencing with you. Generally, when you end one relationship its a good idea not to get into another one so soon. You need to reflect on why the one you just got out of ended, and the issues involved, so that you can learn from it, as well as take time to grieve.
Touching your hands and saying you never know what might happen in the future indicates to me that she may well still have feelings for you, confused emotionally as she probably is right now.
Best thing you can do if you would like to get back with her, is to give it time. See what happens over the next month or two. Don't contact her for a few weeks. After all, you need to get your head and feelings together too! Not to mention focusing on your exams......glad you are getting out and about.....
As for her birthday party, if you do go, can you honestly say that you will be able to act casual, enjoy talking to her friends, while saying a friendly hello to her, and not much more? Give that one some thought.
Good luck!
A
male
reader, Flyguymyeye  +, writes (31 May 2010):
Obvious, you were the rebound.
I would write it off and move on. By all means go to the party, but learn from the experience.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (31 May 2010): I have been in quite a similar situation...with someone who is now my long term boyfriend. In my situation we first dated not long after he'd come out of another ltr of 3.5 years. Everything was great, he chased me loads, and we were gettin on great etc. Then after a couple of months he started being distant with me and avoiding meeting up and eventually said he didnt want a relationship right now or anything serious. I left it and walked away with my dignity like it seems you are doing now. To cut a long story short, we ended up slowly getting back together and although weve had our ups and down we are still together.
It is only in the years since that I have slowly found out why it happened. Although he acted nothing but happy at the time, it seems the girl he broke up with truly broke his heart and he was still in love with her when he started seeing me. Secondly, i vaguely remember him mentioning it at the time but not knowing him i didnt realise the enourmity of this...his young son who was three at the time was being moved away to another part of the country with his mum who had just got married. It is only now that I know him and his son better that i realise what a devastating time this must have been for him, and really, how insignificant our relationship must have been to him in comparison despite how important it seemed to me.
So the truth is, you never really know what is going on in people lives and minds. There could be so much she's not telling you. But it is not up to you to find out why or to try and problem solve when she is not offering any answers. She seems confused with the stuff that she is saying like that maybe in the future you will get together. She obviously realises she really likes you but maybe cant work out herself what is holding her back. My boyfriend used to say the same kind of things to me, to keep me in his sights i guess. But I didnt hang around, i was upset on the inside but i kept my dignity, went out and dated other people but kept in contact with him. This is all you can do really...its self preservation. But at the end of the day shes the one who finished it, so all you can do is get on with things, ultimately its up to her to make the move if she wants to try again...and thats if youre still around to let her. Good luck x
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