A
male
age
41-50,
*onfering
writes:Hi all, I am wondering if you can provide a sounding board. I'll be brief.I met a girl on an internet site. She is from Eastern Europe. I live in US. Let's call her R.We got to talking for a few months and things seemed great. Then R. told me something that continues to bother me. She said when she was married before, she and her ex-husband were going through a difficult time and she cheated on him with an older man, a very handsome ex-dancer, maybe 15 years her senior. She felt terrible about it and soon confessed to those around her. She went to church, told her priest, told her husband, told her mother. It never happened again and then marriage lasted about 7 more years until finally ending in divorce.This doesn't bother me. She cheated, but felt terrible and never did it again. We all make mistakes, even bad ones, but we can change. But what bothers me is what happened after she cheated.R.'s mother, who was a single mom, was so angry at this man whom she cheated with that after she heard about it she went over to scream at him, to admonish him as to how could she do this to her daughter, to seduce her away from her husband? Instead, she fell in love with him, and a month later, her mother married him!It is now maybe 14 years later. R.'s mother is still married to this man, and they have a daughter, about 12 years of age, together. So R.'s step-father, whom her mother married, is a man she slept with, and obviously, her mother slept with. I really do not know what to make of this. Even though R. lives alone, they all go away together on trips, where they sleep under the same roof. I don't know how R. can relate to a step-father she had sex with, and I don't understand how R.'s mother can marry a man her daughter had sex with. To my knowledge, R.'s step-father never made any move on R. while he has been married to her mother. But still...It just seems...creepy to me. Or maybe it is just my American sensibilities?Am I being over-sensitive, or would this bother you? If so, how would you deal with it?Thanks!
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affair, divorce, fell in love, her ex, move on, older man Reply to this Question
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (10 August 2016): I think its very sad that you and your girl are in this situation because neither of you need this hassel!It is very gracious of your girl to be sensitive enough to her mother's feelings and not try to block her relationship.You also sound a very caring soul!As for the olds ,well, i guess they are lucky to have any kind of romance at all and being married they feel they have legitimised the relationship and it is all above board!Your girlfriend has regretted her fling and forgotten it.To be honest a woman in certain situations can find that she does not enjoy it all and judging from her sudden change of heart i assume she didn't.You are no doubt the love of her life, so walk on together and let the olds flounder around without you!
A
female
reader, miss frank  +, writes (10 August 2016):
Yes weird and yes I would be wierded by it too, but it's 15 yrs ago, she's been honest, and you either can deal with it or not moving forward.
What are you afraid of? That there might be a spark between then again at some point in the future ? She has an affair, it's her mother that then got with this man not R, she had no say in it.
I would want to know if you have met her? In real life ? Or are you likely to? How much does it bother you ? I'm thinking of you haven't met her and are entering into a LDR then maybe this ia enough to look for somethings closer with less baggage...
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A
male
reader, wiseoldman +, writes (10 August 2016):
You haven't mentioned that you've ever encountered her in the flesh. If you've not met her IRL, or haven't SKYPED, it doesn't matter. She may not even be female.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (10 August 2016): I didn't read it as you're judging R, more like her mother and the man. As long as she was an ADULT when this happened and as long as he RESPECTS her, it's weird but OK.I know two couples, let's say they're Dick and Jane and Jack and Jill. They lived in the same duplex right next door. Jane had affair with Jack and Jill had an affair with Dick to get even. Apparently, they both divorced and remarried. So its Dick and Jill, Jack and Jane now. Perfectly cool with each other. It would give me a headache if I thought about it but if they're happy...
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A
male
reader, Garbo +, writes (9 August 2016):
 "Am I being over-sensitive, or would this bother you? If so, how would you deal with it?"
I don't think you are sensitive. This would bother me very much, like huge amounts.
What I wiuld do? I would not waste time justifying who is at fault here because none of it is your making. I would drop her, quickly, and look for a situation where the relationship is appropriate and people understand that and behave so.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (9 August 2016): Let it go. Its weird but this is probably a small village somewhere. In some cultures and countries, many people marry neighbors, cousins, friends. etc. I have a distant aunt who's husband died and she MARRIED the brother of her husband. I also know many men who have diff mistresses, some of whom is related to him. So its funky and messed up, but we cant control what people did. We can just control ourselves.Let it go. If R isnt him and he isnt into her anymore, its in the past.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (9 August 2016):
 I agree with SVC
While I don't condone people cheating AT ALL, it's not really her "fault" that her mom married the guy she slept with. It sounds utterly dysfunctional or straight out of a tele novella.
I'm not American and yes, it would bother MY sensibilities too. It's just... so "inbreed". But it seems like R and her mom and step-dad have worked out and the sex between R and the step-dad happened 15 years ago so ANCIENT history.
Would I hold it against R? Nope. It's not like she can change anything any ways.
If you can't handle that fact that THIS is part of her past, let her go. She made a mistake in he choice of bedfellows 15+ years ago.. Have you not slept with someone you regret?
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A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (9 August 2016):
 It's not R's fault if her mother did what she did.
R knew the guy first
her MOTHER made the choice to marry him.
Never punish the child for the sins of the parent.
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