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male
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anonymous
writes: My girlfriend and i have been going out for nearly 2 years. She went to uni and we have been trying to keep things together. She cheated on me (just kissing) with someone I considered to be a threat from the day I met him. She says she instantly realised it was wrong and ran off. They agreed to forget it then 6 months later I found out and it tore me to pieces, she avoided him ever since. I forgave her and we carried on. Four months down the line I cant forgive her or get it out of my head. I have lately not felt as sexually attracted to her and she seems to frustrate me slightly. Are these things related and how do i repair the cracks? I really want this to work because i love her.
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reader, anonymous, writes (12 June 2006): A great post from Yos there.
Anonymous you seem like you want to make this relationship work, and your girlfriend seems commited and utterly regretful about what has happened.
It would be such a shame if you can't put this in the past because all people tend to make mistakes throughout their life, and, if we were not able to forgive our partners for making mistakes, I doubt very much that any one would be together for more than a few years.
Part of being in a relationship in the first few years is to come across obstacles and situations, and it is how you both work together to get through these events that strengthens you as a couple. As you get through more situations, you are better prepared for future ones. You understand each other better, and you know how to communicate effectively.
Referring back to Yos, I would agree on reading up on jealously. This is just a feeling of mine but are you relatively inexperienced with girls yourself? Could this actually be why you are finding this situation particularly difficult?
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (12 June 2006): Men it seems don't get over cheating like women can. Maybe it questions our manhood or something. The sad fact is that you may never be able to repair the cracks that this left in the wall of your relationship. The fact that she chose to kiss someone else will no doubt leave you with a body blow for some time, but the best thing is to do is try to forget about it and move on. If you live in the past, so will your relationship. It's YOU she loves..not this other guy. Remember that, but make it perfectly clear that if it happens again, the relationship is over.
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A
female
reader, Wendyg  +, writes (12 June 2006):
 Maybe you wont ever be able to move on from it unfortunately. Shes broken your trust and you cant get past it. As little as it may seem its still a betrayal, and if you are still struggling with it, it might be that you will never be able to get over it. Maybe try and look at it as though thats the past, you two have moved on and are now stronger, that was a chapter in the past that has ended, and the next chapter you are in now and its a fresh one! If you really love her and want to be with her, you will have to accept that it happend. If you cant accept, forget and forgive, then you wont have a future. Is one kiss worth falling out over and never being with her again ? I appreciate its an indescretion, but thats all it was one little kiss that shouldnt have happend but did, is it worth ruin what good times you have had together for ? Think long and hard what you want, and if you really cant accept it then you may have to part ways, but do think about it if you really want it to work you are going to have to forgive her, if you cant it really wont work.
Take care
x
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A
male
reader, Yos  +, writes (12 June 2006):
 You are in a difficult position, it is very hard for men to cope with infidelity (even minor) by their partners. Women find it generally not so difficult to forgive, which can make it even harder, since your girlfriend will find it difficult to understand exactly what you are going through.
The emotion you are experiencing is jealousy. Your girlfriends actions broke your trust and now thoughts about what she did trigger a jealous reaction within you. The first step for you is to find out more about what jealousy is, and to identify what it is doing to you. Once you can identify the effects clearly it becomes easier to cope with, although you can expect it to be difficult. Jealousy is potentially the most destructive and damaging emotion.
There's good advice on this site if you search for jealousy. However I recommend you also check out the following site, both the page linked to and other pages on it. It has a lot of very useful articles on coping with jealousy:
http://www.mentalhelp.net/psyhelp/chap10/chap10k.htm
If you want some more information or links you can pm me
Good luck
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A
female
reader, hannieseds  +, writes (12 June 2006):
 Hi there,
I agree with Anon below - sometimes thing like this CAN make the relationship stronger, but an infidelity, no matter how small, can be a real struggle to get past.
I really admire that you have tried over the past 4 months to carry on as normal, I can imagine how hard it has been for you, as I have been cheated on too in the past.
I hate to say it but it has already been 4 months since you found out and you are feeling worse rather than better - this is not a good sign. I understand how much you love her and how much you want to forget this and completely forgive her and make it work, but if after 4 months you are still not past it, I don't really know how any more time is going to heal this.
The only thing I can suggest is to lay everything out in the open - perhaps write her a letter about EVERYTHING. How you felt when you found out she cheated on you, why you felt this man was a threat to you from the beginning, how you have felt the past 4 months, why you think you still cannot forgive her. I find that a letter in a situation like this can be the best thing rather than talking about it, because this way you get everything out in the open, you go away and come back later on after she has read it and you can discuss it. I think this is a good place to start in repairing the cracks - BUT this HAS to be a two-way street. To mend this relationship, you BOTH need to work 200% at it by reassuring each other and all the rest of it.
Try it out and see how you go.
- ask yourself this question - do you trust her?
Love is nothing without trust, no matter how long you've been together. If you don't trust her, then you can't pretend. All you can do is to keep trying and hopefully oneday you can forgive her.....
Let us know how you go xxx
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A
male
reader, DoctorGayLove +, writes (12 June 2006):
Ok, so she kissed another guy early on in your relationship, and feels bad, and even told you about it later. She didn't cheat on you, she just wasn't sure about you yet. What is the big deal? She didn't even have sex with him or carry his child in her womb? It's not a big deal, move on or make sure you do all the shopping so she doesn't have to leave the house or possibly touch the hand of a male cashier when she's paying for groceries. Get over it, and good luck. :)
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (12 June 2006): Did she tell you about this herself? Or did you hear about it from a friend? If she told you herself then thats a good thing because she came clean. If not then you can't trust her, even though it was only a kiss, im sure you dont want your girlfriend macking on other guys. However if you love her that much and you want to make it work then just tell her how you feel. Tell her that being with her hurts you because your not sure if you can trust her or not, tell her that she is lucky you gave her another chance and if she messes up again then your gone for good. Sometimes things like this can make a relationship stronger, that is if the person actually realizes they did something wrong. Good Luck! :)
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