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male
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes: Hey all! I’m struggling with what seems to be a rather common mental dilemma. I’m (28M) in a monogamous relationship with a girl (29F) that I was friends with in high school. We both went away to college, didn’t really talk much for like 8-9 years, and then one winter (almost two years ago now) she came over and we hooked up. We started hanging out every weekend, and after a couple months of that we decided we both had feelings and we made it official.From talking to her a lot I determined that she was far from innocent (she was a cheerleader in college, loved to party, went to a large state school, and lived in the city for a few years after college), and after a couple months my curiosity finally got the best of me. I asked that stupid question that you should never ask: “how many people have you slept with?” I was expecting 20, maybe even 30, but I was not prepared for her response which was “I think I’m over 50 now”. She said she never really kept count like that, and that most of those happened in college. I’ve only been that intimate with like 9 people, so this blows me out of the water.I’ve made it clear to her that I love who she is now, and she wouldn’t be who she is without her past, but it’s been almost 2 years and I’m still bothered thinking about all of the people who have been that intimate with her. I’ve thought about it from every angle. I’m a reasonably progressive guy, I’ve hooked up with a few people, had some FWBs relationships, and had some serious relationships, but I don’t think I’ve ever had a true one night stand. Any friends that I have talked about it with have said “that’s not so bad, I’ve done worse”, or “there’s more to love than sex”, or “just give it some time”. This girl has proven to me that she’s serious about me. We spend every night together and when we’re apart she’s constantly texting me. She trusts me completely and never bothers me about MY past (even though one of my exes and a few of my more casual relationships were with some of her best friends back in the day). She’s never given me any reason to doubt her or to not trust her. She just says she was never really interested in relationships when she was younger and that she was really good at separating feelings from just having fun.She’s only ever really been in one other serious relationship (as in she’s only ever taken one other guy home to meet her parents, only ever said “I love you” to one guy besides me), whereas this is my fourth serious relationship. I’m not against casual sex obviously, I’m not religious, I believe in living life to the fullest and exploring oneself; why does this bother me so much and how do I get over it? Why does it matter the number of people if we all like sex and have been sexually active since we were teenagers? I don’t believe in that “she gets worn out” nonsense; it doesn’t matter whether you have sex with one person 50 times or 50 people one time each in that regard. I think maybe I’m just jealous that I didn’t get around as much as she did? Or I’m angry at the thought of people taking advantage of her or using her for sex even though it was consensual? Then there’s that dreaded feeling of running into her past flings (which has already happened twice). I enjoy all my time with her and she lives with me now so it’s serious business. I don’t want this to be the one negative factor in our relationship. How can I get past this? She says she’s changed and that everything with me is different and I try believe her, but it makes me feel like I’m just one of many. Why does the past bother me so much?TL;DR: the girl I love has a promiscuous past but we’re serious about each other. How do I get past the past??? It had nothing to do with me so why do I care and how do I stop?
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best friend, her past, jealous, my ex, one night stand, text Reply to this Question
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, eyeswideopen  +, writes (22 November 2022):
 I am afraid that because you are questioning this BEFORE marriage you will be questioning this AFTER. This lovely lady has given you the truth, it is only your insecurities that hamper your future. She has been honest with you about her past why do you doubt her honesty NOW?
A
reader, anonymous, writes (21 November 2022): Nothing anyone says on this site can change your innermost feelings, or life-conditioning, about sexuality. We live and learn and form our own judgments, opinions, and hypotheses about people and events; and part of learning and maturity is dealing with things we can't change. We only feel at-ease when we have power and control over other people, or events.
You can't change your past, and she can't change hers. We can change the person whom we are; based on our education, life-experience, mistakes, and successes. We can change as we develop life-skills and survival-skills. What's done is done. We correct what's correctible, and learn to accept what isn't.
She had more partners than you. So what? It doesn't make you any better of a person than she is, or her any worse of a person than you are. You have your faults and flaws, you've decided to accept and dismiss. Yet, you've fixated on certain things about her; because you may have been conditioned to believe people who have a lot of sex-partners are promiscuous and socially irredeemable. Particularly females. Hence, she is stained, and over-used; and that makes you feel somehow morally superior enough to stand in judgement. It tests your masculinity to think she's had enough men to place you in competition and comparison to others. You're not secure in your own masculinity; because the common notion among us menfolk is sexual prowess determines one's sexual-adeptness and quality of performance. Mythical and utter nonsense society has drilled into our minds; even when we are being totally hypocritical. Judging others, because their experience in anything surpasses our own.
It's commonsense to bypass or completely avoid things you can't handle. Nobody should have to deal with your hidden or unchecked insecurities. It's a waste of their time; and your issues will eventually cause them trouble.
If it's going to be an issue you can't move past; the remedy is simple. Move on.
You've written a very lengthy post about it; and it's reasonable to conclude, you have a big problem about her having so many partners. If you didn't, you shouldn't have (or wouldn't have) asked such a question. Knowing full well you weren't mature enough to handle the answer.
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A
female
reader, Youcannotbeserious  +, writes (20 November 2022):
 Firstly, it's not a competition. There are no prizes -or penalties - for having most - or least - sexual partners. So she put herself about a bit in her younger days. Big deal. So what? I'm assuming she didn't coerce any of her sexual partners into having sex with her, or lead them on in any way. They enjoyed a night of sex, then went their separate ways.
All those guys had access to her body. YOU have access to her heart. She had a choice of all those guys but YOU are only the second guy she has deemed worthy of a relationship. Feel flattered, not like you are getting some sort of booby prize.
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A
male
reader, kenny +, writes (20 November 2022):
 At the end of the day we all have a past no matter who we are and where we are from. I think its important to look at the hear and now, and the future, and stop looking back at the past.
The past is the past, it can't be changed, how ever much we would like to we can't unscramble scrambled eggs. So she has slept with more people than you, i don't see this as a big deal really. She sounds like she has grown up since then and is very much in to you and ready for a serious relationship.
I feel you need to put her past behind you and put your energies into the current relationship and not her past. If you can't forget her past and keep dwelling on it you are going to risk throwing your relationship in to jeopardy and risk loosing her.
If you want this relationship to prosper start looking forward and not back.
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A
male
reader, kenny +, writes (20 November 2022):
test
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (20 November 2022): It doesn’t matter who she was with in the past, she’s with you now. So long as she’s faithful that’s all they matters.
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A
male
reader, Anon21  +, writes (19 November 2022):
Hi OP you may have heard of an old saying that "A man shall sow his wild oats but when he gets married he should marry a virgin" You may laugh and say that this saying is outdated but the very thing that you are concerned about shows it is still true. This is the male hypocrisy, it shows that it is sociably acceptable for a man to have sex with women before marriage but a women should not have sex before marriage. Human nature has not changed very much as what we have been led to believe etc. In essence a man who has sex with a lot of women they pat him on the back and call him a cassanova but if a women has sex with a lot of men they call her a whore. The woman is no more immorale than the man but it is not sociably acceptable to have sex before marriage. You can search this website and you will find posts by men complaining, whinging about their wives or girlfriends past sexual history. OP with the rise of femminism etc women have been told basically that they should have sex like a man and explore their sexuality, but unfortunately men do not see it that way they don't like being with a women who has an extensive sexual history. Men will say that they don't want to stick there dick where a lot of other men have stuck it before. Do women want to have a man stick there penis into them when he has stuck into a lot of other women? Has your girlfriend given you any reason to doubt her faithfulness? You have the expression that her previouse lover has made her into the woman she it to day. Just relax and enjoy your relationship with her wherever it may lead. You should treat your girlfriend like you what to be treated.Good Luck
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (18 November 2022): You just have to keep focusing on the positives of your relationship with her. Be patient while you process these feelings. If it was rather recently that you learned this, you may indeed just need time. However, if you find that these feelings aren’t passing with time, you will have to consider ending it. If not, it will only eat away at you. You say you can’t understand why this bothers you, and I believe you, but I also have a theory. On some level, like it or not, you have a limit when it comes to your tolerance for promiscuity. This is okay, and you don’t need to be religious, traditionalist, or conservative to have a limit. I think perhaps you’ve been socially conditioned to believe that it’s unacceptable or even sexist to be bothered by a woman’s level of promiscuity. Therefore, you’re in denial that you have any valid reason to be bothered by it, (if that makes sense).
The fact is, you don’t have to live your life basing all your decisions on what’s considered the politically correct way. Stop telling yourself it’s wrong to feel the way you do, just because others may not understand, or tell you it’s no big deal. We are all allowed to reject someone for a relationship, or question whether or not they are right for us, based on ANY reason we want. That includes reasons people would find offensive. For example, let’s say a man loves everything about his girlfriend, except that she has put on a lot of weight. He is struggling to be physically attracted to her, and she is making no effort to lose weight. She insists it shouldn’t matter to him, but it does, and he can’t help that he isn’t attracted to her anymore. If he decides to end the relationship, it’s a valid choice, no matter what anyone says. People can call him “fatphobic” all they want, but the fact remains he doesn’t HAVE to continue the relationship. Same applies to a man who is bothered by his girlfriend’s past. That’s the truth, whether people like it or not.
I understand what you said about feeling like you’re just one of many. Heck, if a man had 50+ sex partners, I wouldn’t want to be in a relationship with him, even if we were compatible in other ways. I’d have the opinion that if he can separate sex from love that easily, there’s no way he’d be capable of being faithful NOW, (even if he truly thinks he can). Overtime, he would tell himself that while he still loves the woman he chose for a long term relationship, he is bored having sex with only one woman, and craves variety. He will then justify cheating to get ALL of his desires met.
I’m not saying this is the case when it comes to your girlfriend, as there are always exceptions to the rule, but I am saying you have valid reason to be concerned. Quit beating yourself up over it. Your friends who said “give it time” are right. That’s all you can do right now.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (18 November 2022): Something within you is possibly telling you that while you believe in this relationship and trust this person, she has a proven potential to a kind of callousness that no one can blame you to be somewhat wary of.
Callousness. Personally, I'd be feeling the way you are because subconsciously, my concern might not be so much about that she has had so many casual partners as it is about What if from one moment to the next, even if she never cheats on me, it turns out that I as good as never did mean anything to her?
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (18 November 2022): Do not ruin the great thing you have now for something that’s in the past. I had an ex once who would dwell on relationships I had before I met him. It was so off putting and it caused so many unnecessary fights. It wore me down by the end. I don’t have any advice other than you just need to let it go and focus on today.
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