A
male
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:Hello, I have been in a relationship with my girlfriend for 4 months now, im 19 and she is 21, I live in a small town and she has had sex with a lot of people I know in the past, I accept this as I do live in a small town, anyway I only found out that she was in an on off relationship with a guy for 3 years where she had anal sex regularly, I asked her can we do and she said no, so I started to look into her past, I asked why not and she said that it really hurt and sometimes she cried. This has made me so upset, I asked her why she would subject her body to that for 3 years when she didn't like her, she said she felt like she cauldnt so no, and that she didn't want to talk about it anymore. I do know the person she was in this relationship with too, she said he knew that it hurt her. And that she has changed and that's why she doesnt want to do it with me. I am okay with that, but I now I think of my girlfriend in a really bad way, I feel like this other guy is laughing at me, I feel disgusted and it's made me think my girlfriend is a real slut. It's now jeopardizing our relationship, shes said it's the past and it shouldnt matter now which is true but I can't seem to get over her past now, it's like this guy has used her as his sex slave for the past 3 yrs and now I'm just getting his seconds. I cannot get images of him and her out of my head now its driving me crazy, especially when im at work. I work away for 2 weeks at a tike offshore. What are your opinions people I am doing my head in
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male
reader, notalwaysright  +, writes (21 June 2012):
She's not a slut. You're not immature. In my opinion, you are only responding to your moral limits.
And try to learn from it. You asked, she answered. Are you unhappy with the answer? Find someone else who would give you the answer you want to get.
And what's the point of searching someone's sexual past when your "moral tolerance" is low? (well, let's admit it: living in a small town you got no other choice...)
And, man, you're 19. Go live a little. It's not time for you to be in a serious (and sick) relationship.
A
male
reader, Serpico  +, writes (6 June 2012):
You have retroactive jealousy. I have it as well, in spades. It is a relic of our evolutionary pasts that is quite inconvenient for todays moral climate.I have been down the road you are going down. Trust me, it is not a fun trip, and will likely get worse before it gets better. Further, it will likely be a fight you have to deal with to at least some degree for the rest of your life.The moral of my story - if you want to deal with this, this had better be some pretty amazing woman. I found that despite all of the trying, it just wasnt worth it for me. Instead, I found a woman with a past I can accept, and have been all the more happy for it. No images, no movies playing, no meetings, no books, no talking it out. None of that exists for me now, and I love it this way.Best of luck to you.
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A
male
reader, dougbcoll +, writes (6 June 2012):
 the sexual past does matter, it effects us in negative ways.the things people do in the past effects us, especially sexual past of someone we love, and care for more than anything else on this earth. i understand how you feel. i have been there also with the woman in my life, and it hurts over, and over. if you plan on staying with her and love her, and don't want to be with anyone else in the world but her. my only advice would be can you see change in her, can you see caring in her, can you see positive character traits in her. my advice if you want to be with her is offer her total forgiveness, and love her unconditionally. it want be easy, you will still the of these thoughts of her past at times. but think of what you love about her that you see in her when she is with you. you will have to decide if you want to give her unconditional love, and forgiveness . you will have to decide if you want her to be part of your life. she cant change her past, neither can you change her past.her past has impacted her life today, and her past has impacted your life today. but you can impact, and change her future. you will have to decide if she is the one you want to be with side beside.
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A
female
reader, janniepeg +, writes (1 June 2012):
 She was doing anal with him to keep him from straying. Maybe he said something like "if you don't do anal I am going to find someone who would. Love was blind for her and she didn't realize she was chasing something that wasn't real, a relationship that went nowhere. She learned her lesson that she would never do anything desperate to keep a man. I believe that she would not do anal with any guy, period, so don't think it's because you don't have the powers to lure her like the last guy did.
If I were you I would walk away. It's only four months. Don't let it drag on and on. Even when you don't talk about it your girlfriend would feel the tension. There are married men who could not get over women's past after years and years of marriage. Don't become these men. No women should have to wait for you to get over it. You concern a lot about what other people think. Maybe you should date outside your town. Don't accept anything you don't have to.
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A
male
reader, Starmonster888  +, writes (1 June 2012):
 It's an overwhelmingly cumbersome image to have in your in your thinker. I don't think it's so much a matter of you not deserving her or having to man up; I'd argue it's more about changing your frame of mind. Consider this my dear friend: you don't like this guy from her past because, essentially, he treated her as an object, but by letting his lack of respect for her distort your perception of her, you're inadvertently objectifying her too. You're letting her sexual past define her. Stop that. Define her as a person before you start thinking of her as a sexually active person. After that, and this is the hard part, accept that people have different sexual pasts. That's the fact of the matter. There's a gender exclusive stigma around women with a long sexual history, but the patriarchy did that. Don't let it win. And don't let guys from her past win. Worst still, don't become them. You're with for a reason past her sexuality. At least I assume so. If I'm wrong in that assumption, I retract everything else I said and urge you to leave the poor girl alone. If I'm right however, focus on those reasons because they matter above all else.
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A
male
reader, anonymous12345150 +, writes (31 May 2012):
either man up and accept it completely or walk away,otherwise it will kill your relationship
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (31 May 2012): If the past didn't matter, then it wouldn't be affecting what sexual things your GF will do today.
I understand your GF's viewpoint and she is not obligated to do anything she doesn't want to do. But the principle of the excuse really bothers me. People need to grow up and stop repeating these ridiculous stuff like "the past doesn't matter" when anybody of normal intelligence knows that it does.
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A
female
reader, DanceInTheDark +, writes (31 May 2012):
 Dump her.
So she can find a guy who actually thinks she's worth something.
You're no better than him if you're going to say things like that.
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A
female
reader, aunt honesty  +, writes (31 May 2012):
 You know what I don't think you deserve your girlfriend if you are going to call her an easy slut and someone else's sloppy seconds. That's real immature off you. It sounds to me like you are annoyed because she felt she couldn't say no to him yet she has said it to you, I think that is what the real issue is here. At the end of the day this does not make her a slut, they where in a relationship for 3 years. It is not like she was out doing it with a random man every night off the week. Plus it is her past and her business. You are the one that stuck your nose in to her past relationships out of curiosity and now you have to live with knowing the truth.
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