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female
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anonymous
writes: I have just come through a dreadful breakdown in my marriage, he has left and I am battling with divorce.The thing is, I have met someone who has given me a shoulder and we have begun an affair. I know it won't help in the long run but for now he has become my sanity. He is as lonely as me and although he has said he will not leave his wife and family he is the most wonderful man and I have not known such happiness for a long time.We don't intend to hurt anyone but I cannot give him up my self esteem has been in tatters and he seems to mend everything. He has three boys and loves them loads but there is nothing between him and his wife and only when we are together does everything feel alright. I feel bad at times but if she never finds out then we will have helped each other and perhaps even have been meant for each other at this time in our lives.We have been together for guite some time and have come to depend on one another. I feel stronger because of him, he helps me through it all. The problem is I'd like to see more of him but he just can't manage it. I know he feels guilty, but he comes to me only every couple of weeks. I want more, how do I cope with this.
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affair, divorce, married man, self esteem Reply to this Question
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male
reader, Wild Thaing  +, writes (20 July 2006):
 It is unbelievably ironic that you chose to seek comfort in a man who clearly has no intention of committing to you 100%. You are so damaged right now that you believe his sloppy seconds are satisfactory, but what will you think when you are not damaged?
If you expect healing by continuing this affair then you will be healing for a very very long time. You can't reclaim your self-esteem by aiding and abetting this man's deceitful behaviour. Do you want his wife to experience the same devastating hurt you feel right now? Do you think that helping to destroy another marriage will help you reclaim your self-esteem?
Get out now so that you can start a proper healing process. Good luck and take care.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (20 July 2006): I've been there, done that. Almost 7 years later...I have to say GET OUT NOW!! He will never leave her, and you will end up broken hearted. I haven't gotten out, and I'm paying a terrible price for it!
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A
female
reader, eyeswideopen  +, writes (20 May 2006):
 Dependence is not love. You will never get more than sloppy seconds here. If you can live with that then fine but if you want more you are going to have to change this relationship to just friendship and go find a single guy to call your own.
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A
female
reader, willywombat  +, writes (19 May 2006):
 I am always dubious when a married man (or woman) says they stay wiht their partner for the sake of the children. You are in emotional turmoil and this guy has cottoned onto this and is exploiting you. You are ending one marriage, which will cause emotional upset and hurt and are now in a relationship with a guy who will not or cannot commit to you.
Normally I am quite harsh towards people who allow themsleves to break up other peoples marriages, but in your case (sorry for the flowery language) I think you were lost at sea nad you feel he has saved you from drowning. I think you need to get out of this situation now. Allow yourself time to heal after you marraige has ended and give yourself some space before you get into another relationship. You probably won't because it would seem this guy has got you to depend on him. Depending or needing to be with another person is not healthy. You should want someone - not need them, and you NEED this guy dont you.
Leave him and move on. It is a situation that will only bring you more heartache in the end.
xxx
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A
female
reader, Aunt Audrey +, writes (19 May 2006):
 Although I'm sorry to hear about the breakdown of your marriage, it's never easy, I can't say I have any sympathy for you in regard to not having enough time with your married lover!
You are involved with someone who is committed to someone else, and though you say there is nothing between him and his wife, there most obviously is.... 3 kids!!!! If there's nothing to his marriage why does he keep you a secret from her, I suppose it's the same old story, they are only together for the kids and she does't care about him, in which case why would she give a damn about whether he's seeing you or not?
An affair is an affair no matter how you dress it up, you and he are being decietful and someone will get hurt in the long run, probably the wife and kids, you have little to lose except him! You went into the relationship knowing the score, you have no right to moan he doesn't spend enough time with you, what do you expect? Sorry but it's laughable......
If you want a man full time then get a single one, not one that has to sneak about, lie, and betray those that also depend on him, those who should be his main priority whilst he is still married.
There's no point in saying it would be better you didn't see him anymore, you will no matter what, what you should do though is have a good look at your life and ask yourself this, are you prepared to sit in the shadows and wait until a) his wife finds out and dumps him, or b) his wife finds out and he dumps you?
Can't say I'd want to live my life in that way, but everyone to their own!
Good luck!
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