A
female
age
36-40,
*miliek
writes:Hi all. Im 23, getting married in 6wks (wow!) and i cant get over my self esteem/insecurity problems! My fiance is wonderful, always telling me he thinks im beautiful and the most gorgeous woman in the world etc etc, but most times i laugh or tell him that im not. He sometimes gets upset at me for not believing him. Its not so much that i dont believe he thinks it (well sometimes) but i certainly dont see it. Im short (5ft nothing), 12c bra (in australia, i have no idea what size that'd be anywhere else but my boobs are really quite small) i have the curve in between my ribs and hips (i dunno what its called but he loves it) i think im a bit heavier then i should be according to the bmi thing. Im about 60kg and i reckon i could lose 5 or so and be healthy and look better. Anyway. I am so insecure. All through high school i copped teasing due to height, small boobs, even hairer arms then most girls (italian heritage) Then i was in a relationship with a guy for over 2yrs who was controlling beyond all belief and who ever once gave me a compliment. He'd usually point out my flaws. So i ended up thinking very very little of myself. Now my fiance gives me compliments all the time, but he looks at porn sometimes, and pictures of naked women and buys zoo every wk (girls in bikini's etc) All of these women have much much bigger breasts even if they're fake, are skinny as and look nothing like me. The pictures he looks at and saves on his phone are the worst, big boobs and all. I dont so much have an issue that he sometimes looks at porn (also phone, we dont have a working computer and even when he did he didnt want to look at porn on it. Said he doesnt like getting popups for other sites and doesnt use it often enough to want to) We can watch it together, and most times im comparing myself to women he says he doesnt think are hot then enjoying what we're doing together. If we're out somewhere, any female who walks by i ask if he thinks is hot. Half the time he doesnt even know who im talking about. I know it annoys him that i do it and that i guestion what he says about me, but i cant help it. I dont see what he says. And the pics, well a guy likes looking blah blah, but they all look nothing like me! They are so much more attractive. I dont know why he wants to marry me, and ive said that to him. Without even bringing up my personality he has a dozen reasons. But i dont get it. Even when im out by myself im bothered by girls i think are more attractive then me. How can i bring my self esteem and confidence up so lil things (like pictures or ppl i see) dont make me feel so bad about myself? Oh, he doesnt want me to get a boob job. Says even if they do look ok that he wouldn't want to play with them. So i cant do that. He also thinks im silly for wanting to lose some weight.. There isn't really anything i can do about the rest of me, but i guess i need to change my mentality.. Any help is much appreciated
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boobs, bra , breasts, confidence, fiance, insecure, porn, self esteem, teasing Reply to this Question
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, smiliek +, writes (1 October 2010):
smiliek is verified as being by the original poster of the question male annon thats exactly what i want to do. Figure out what he sees in me that makes me better (in his eyes) then any other woman. I have never accused him of cheating nor do i think he will. My insecurity is more around that he finds other women to be more attractive then me. Not that i think he'd do anything with them, but that i dont measure up to them. I guess i want to be the best to him. In every way. As he is to me. I can see a guy who may be cute and he barely registers to me. I dont know if thats the same with my fiance, but i dont think it is. Which means im not the best to him. Im just the one he settled for... I dont even know if that makes sense..
A
male
reader, Cupid Boy  +, writes (30 September 2010):
 Ok. After you explained it, it doesn't sound as bad anymore. lol. And he still has 6 weeks left to delete the rest of his phone pics. : P
It's mature of you to recognize that it's more of an issue within you than it is about him. Also great you have enough confidence to let him have pics and video of you. If more girls did that, the guys probably wouldn't use porn so much. So hope everything goes well.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (29 September 2010): Miliek, you should seriously listen to Aunt Honesty. I know this is hard to hear, but from experience, my wife (early 40's) suffers from the same insecurity. Getting married will only intensify these feelings in you. In marriage you belong to your husband and he belongs to you...that is in our heads at the altar, but when that breaks down due to insecurities the two of you are in for a very long haul. My wife continuously accuses me of things which never happen or doing things that never took place. At times I have thought, "I should just do something", since the arguments are just as intense as if I had done something.Sweetie, get yourself help and understand who you are and the gift you bring into the relationship. .
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A
female
reader, smiliek +, writes (29 September 2010):
smiliek is verified as being by the original poster of the questionCupid boy, we had some arguements over porn a long time ago much earlier in our relationship. Because he lied about it lol. Now he doesnt lie so there isn't really an issue. The pictures he has are mostly from before us, although he's been deleting them lately. Perhaps he also finds them tacky now... He has quite a few of me. And more home vids then ones from the net haha. I know its more my own issue then anything he does. Its just at times when im already low on myself the knowledge of pictures etc makes me feel worse. He's never picked porn or pics over me so im not worried that he will (we still have an excellent sex life) its more that i feel down on myself for whatever reason, remember he looks at other women and accuse him of not liking how i look. Which then upsets him. He always tells me that noone could measure up to me etc, then gets upset when i disagree with him. So it is in myself the issue lies, i just dont know how to fix it. Aunt honesty, there are days i feel awesome about myself. For example if i just had my hair done and workmates or friends notice and compliment me, i feel as tho im 'hot' Yet my fiance compliments me every day when im just me and i think he's just saying it cause he has to. Which i know isn't the case. I shall try what you suggested =)
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A
male
reader, Cupid Boy +, writes (29 September 2010):
Many other women would be too jealous to let their guy have pin-ups or pornos at all. So maybe your self-esteem is healthier than you think. Try and understand that him looking at his pics really has nothing to do with you or with any dissatisfaction with your looks (though keeping girlie pics on his phone when he's about to get married is kind of tacky). You've been very accepting and tolerant of his need to look at naked women. But if it's disrespectful and really hurts you, and it's more than just insecurity, you should let him know your feelings.
Don't know why he wants to marry you? Contrary to popular belief, guys get married for a lot more than looks. Don't compare yourself to those fantasy girls because that's all they are. They can't have any emotional or spiritual connection with him. If they could, he'd be sitting at home alone with his Zoo mags instead of getting married. There will ALWAYS be people more attractive than you and always be people less attractive too. It's the same for everyone. But constantly comparing yourself to other girls, even ones your fiance doesn't even notice, is a waste of energy.
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A
female
reader, aunt honesty  +, writes (28 September 2010):
 No offence taking but if you keep going the way you are and puttin yourself down he will start to believe it aswell. Trust me on this you need to be happy within yourself before you commit to a wedding, but all the best with the marriage i hope it works out, just a few tips, maybe build up your confidence by maybe doing things that make you feel good within yourself, like jogging maybe or going to the gym, or even gettin a hair cut or doing your make up these small things can help and just keep telling yourself I AM BEAUTIFUL and start believing that not just you is lucky to have him but also that he is lucky to have you.
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A
female
reader, smiliek +, writes (28 September 2010):
smiliek is verified as being by the original poster of the questionNo offence aunt honesty, but im not going to call off my wedding just because i have selfesteem problems. I know my fiance loves me exactly how i am and our wedding day will be a happy and special day. I just want to stop comparing myself to other women and thinking that im not good enough. Its something that he's more than aware of, and its not going to drive him away. It hasn't yet. I guess i'll try and fake it til i believe it
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (27 September 2010): Your boyfriend fell inlove with you and only you! if you go around thinking your not beautiful(im sure you are)people will start to believe it .. im 16 so i dont feel confident wither but i fake it! my mom tells me if i go around with no self confidence, ill end up pushing people away! when ever i feel ugly i think of that poor woman who got her face ripped off by a monkey!! lol .. Have more confidence in yourself! Men love it! Everyone tells me what ever i hate about my body my bf will love that the most!! Be happy!! (: and good luck on your wedding day Hun! x
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A
female
reader, aunt honesty +, writes (27 September 2010):
I think its a bad idea for you'se to get married in six weeks, its meant to be one of the most happiest days in your life yet you arent going to enjoy it with all this anxiety going on in your head. Obviously this has stemed from your past, you really need to get help before the wedding as this is going to affect the rest of your life and no matter how much your man loves you, you will eventually push him to far and he wont be able to cope. Im glad he is treating you well and its clear he loves you. You need to make an appointment with your doctor and explain to him how you feel, he will be able to refer you to someone that you can talk to. Goodluck
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