A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:I am rather depressed of late. I am 28, and I've been with my partner for three years, he's 26. It seems that everyone around me is getting either married, or engaged... But me. I am starting to feel left behind and frustrated with my partner's lack of proposal. We have spoken about it a lot of times previously, but he will not give me any indication of timeframe. Further, he'll drop hints every now and then... Such as asking me about how much he should spend on the ring; saying he's got some funds saved for "something special" and how he should ask my dad. But still... Nothing. I am getting extremely depressed and I am starting to despise the mere thought of weddings. I should add that I was previously married very young, at 19... In that relationship we were engaged within a year of being together. But it also ended very quickly as well. Watching television about two (2) weeks ago, my partner asked me whether I am sure of wanting to marry him. He says that he wants to be absolutely certain that I will say yes, and that's what I want. Of course, I said I love him... But he explained that he is an over acheiver and may never be satisfied with his life. I assured him I would always support him. Then he said he wants nothing more than for us to stay happily married, but he's heard negative stories because his aunt and uncle split bitterly.I am getting very frustrated, and just about ready to move on. Whether or not I actually would is another story, but how long before you were engaged to your partner? What is average?
View related questions:
depressed, engaged, move on, wedding Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, Curiouser  +, writes (11 January 2012):
On the one hand, I'd agree with the previous poster that it sounds as though he is getting ready to propose to you. He's all but told you that he is saving up for a ring!But... on the other hand, your comments that you are 'rather depressed of late' and more specifically that you are 'just about ready to move one' really concerned me.Just as the anonymous male poster below, I wonder about your motivation to get married. To my mind anyone that would choose to move on without a proposal rather than stay together unmarried is in love with the status of marriage more than they are in love with their partner.On the surface of it, I would personally find a marriage to someone that would rather marry someone else, than they would stay with that person without getting married to be insincere.There are exceptions to this, however, and perhaps you have a particular reason why you feel the need to get married. Are you strictly religious? -And need God's blessing to feel secure? Are you already living together- if not I could see that being the bigger motivation if you would not share your whole lives together before getting married.Other reasons can actually be more questionable- if you do not already feel fully committed and secure with him without marriage, signing your lives to each other would only seem inappropriate anyway? Has he given you any reason to doubt his commitment to you? Are you planning to start a family or buy a home together? -I would see starting a family to be a far bigger commitment than signing a marriage certificate, although I do understand why some people feel a need to present a secure family unit for ther children, rather than because they themselves would otherwise feel insecure, if you see the distinction.By no means am I against marriage- I simply don't find it 'necessary' -And simply feel that the best motivation to get married is simply that you are both sincerely happy and committed and that marriage is a lovely celebration of that, if and provided that both of you want that and would feel joy in that.Being that he has all but told you that he does plan to propose to you in the long run, I'd suggest that you take this time to REALLY think about why you feel the 'need' to marry? So much so that you would even consider leaving him to marry someone else, just so you ended up with a ring on your finger, even if not from the man you say that you are in love with?Please don't think that I am trying to insult you- I find the whole topic fascinating. But I wonder if you could learn a great deal about yourself and your relationship by questioning what lies behind this apparent 'need' to get married any which way. And you may develop in yourself, address and even overcome insecurities and feel stronger in your relationship as a result. Your partner loves you and plans- one day! -to propose to you; you don't need to feel so unhappy!
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (11 January 2012): I agree with Mark_25 and dougbcol. That is: the men. Don't listen to the women. Sorry ladies, but this is an area (proposing to women) that men have a lot more experience with and since we also know the male psyche I think our advice is better.It sounds like he's turning the idea over in his head. Let him come to you at his pace. If you ask him to marry you that would be weird. As a guy, I wouldn't like that if it was something I was already considering. I also think giving an ultimatum is a huge turn off. Only issue an ultimatum when you really mean it, because sometimes ultimatums don't work out like you planned. That is, maybe he was unsure but the ultimatum could swing him firmly into the "no way" camp.Come up with your own deadline and if it passes then consider if you want to remain with him. Also consider if being together and unmarried is an option for you or not. It is for some people and absolutely is not for others. If you absolutely have to be married to feel secure in the relationship then tell him after you've reached your limit, but be prepared for the relationship to end.By the way, the fact that you rushed into marriage before is probably something he is weighing and it would hurt against you if you issue an ultimatum - particularly if this is his first marriage.
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (10 January 2012): My boyfriend just proposed after 10 months. One thing I've noticed is not living together or insisting on a ring before you live together makes them propose a lot faster than if you move in and play house.
Your boyfriend is also younger and doesn't feel the urgency to get married like you do. It's unfair but he has the next twenty years to take his time settling down, dating women your age now. You have a much shorter window to find that right person and have children.
I wouldn't pressure your boyfriend but I'd come up with your own deadline and share it with him. If he doesn't propose by then, slowly start removing yourself from his life. If he lets you go, then you are better off knowing he wasn't going to anyway.
...............................
A
male
reader, Mark_25_ +, writes (10 January 2012):
 To be honest, it sounds like he's getting ready to ask you! For instance when he was wanting to make sure you'd say yes a couple of weeks ago. If I were you I think I'd be patient, as has been said, there isn't a rush. I know you want to get married, but it will happen in time. As he's been asking, you don't know if he's planning something big, whether he'll ask you tomorrow, they day after, next week, next month.
As for people saying you should ask him, ordinarily I would agree with that, but, as you've spoken with him about marriage etc. and it's quite obvious he'll be the one proposing from those conversations, it could totally ruin any plans he has of asking you if you go and ask him first.
...............................
A
female
reader, PerhapsNot +, writes (10 January 2012):
 Ask him if he sees marriage as part of his future - specifically if he sees himself marrying YOU. Ask him when he would ideally drop the question. If he doesn't want to give you a time frame, then insist. Don't let it just go, demand an answer. It's a pretty basic question and if he really thought of marriage, he would be able to give you a time line.
I got engaged after 3 years. It would have been earlier if it weren't for financial circumstances that delayed it. If he doesn't have financial setbacks and he is afraid of commitment and divorce, what will you do? How much longer are you willing to wait? I am sure you must have a time line in mind as well, before this becomes unacceptable.
If you suspect that he is not interested in marrying you and will not do so on his own, give him a deadline. Tell him that you want to be married by this month, or this year. If he cannot comply with your desires, he is not interested in marrying you. Why waste 1,2,or 5 years more on someone who may never want to even marry you? Setting and demanding a date will show you how serious he really is.
...............................
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (10 January 2012):
Your boyfriend sounds like me - a perfectionist. I have been with my girlfriend for TWENTY years now. I know I should have proposed long ago, but there was never a right moment. I even bought a ring for her two years ago, which I carried around for a bit. See, the longer I waited the more I wanted things to be perfect. Now I am at the point where she stopped talking about getting married and I'm not even sure she'd say yes.
Also, I have to say that I have been influenced by some other things, too. Legal issues, friends who were married (and then divorced) who tell me that maybe we are better off doing it our way, financial issues, and other mundane stuff.
I don't ever want to get a divorce and if I do I would prefer to not remarry. Frankly, my relationship is flawed, but so, too, is everyone's probably. It's been 20 years so it can't be that flawed.
Other than pressure from your friends and the desire to wear a pretty white dress, what motivates you to marriage? Are you very religious? Worried about being able to make medical decisions for your spouse?
...............................
A
female
reader, person12345 +, writes (10 January 2012):
 This time of year is rough because x-mas and NYE are days when a lot of people get engaged. If you're on fb it seems like everyone in the world other than you is getting married. So you shouldn't let all the status changes and photos get to you because in reality it's a very small percentage who are actually getting married.
But really, if hinting to him isn't working, just ask him yourself. I find it fairly ridiculous that women think a proposal by a woman is sloppy or unromantic. Buy him a nice ring (they make nice ones for men), present it to him and ask if he wants to marry you.
...............................
A
male
reader, dougbcoll +, writes (10 January 2012):
 if you are not comfortable proposing to him ,ask him what his intentions are for you both in the future, for the long run for the both of you. ask him were do we stand as a couple? whats in our future together. were do i stand in your future?!!! maybe tell him - are we just friends or is there more, i want more.let him know how you feel.
...............................
A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (10 January 2012):
 I agree with chigirl... if you want to get married then ask him.
I will be asking my boyfriend in a few weeks to get married. we KNOW we are getting married we refer to each other and my fiancé(e) but there has NOT been a formal asking yet...
To be honest however, a man knows when he wants to marry a woman and he takes the necessary actions within what is my old fashioned feeling of a short period of time... under 2 years....
we were together less than a year and when it became apparent that I was ending my marriage the talk immediately turned to “the business arrangement” of getting married…. So yes we KNOW we are getting married… we have talked about spending the rest of our lives together but he is insistent that I do the proposing (and that HE TAKES MY LAST NAME…sheesh this younger generation)….
So if you want to get married and he wants to get married.. February 29th is the traditional day for women to propose to men…. That’s when I’m doing it.
my only concern is that he's talking a good game to you and is not really serious about geting married because I belive if he was you would already be there... but then again in my 20s most of us married the first time by 25 or 26 the age seems to be climbing older and older... my younger son at 25 isn't even dating a girl seriously yet...
...............................
A
female
reader, kirra07  +, writes (10 January 2012):
I agree with chigirl in principle, but if you are a girl that wants her man to propose to you and be romantic, then proposing yourself is not the best idea. Because you might then later have regrets and anger over why he never bothered to plan a proposal for you.
For example, me and my bf sort of became engaged accidentally. I was just showing him the type of rings and jewellery I liked, and the salesperson started talking to us, the next thing we knew I was trying on rings and then we had ordered a custom ring. It got there, I put it on, and suddenly we were sort of engaged. He later did a surprise proper proposal, but before that and even now, I half wish that I had simply let things lie and let him propose in his own time. I might not have gotten my dream ring, but I would have known that he proposed because HE wanted to, not because I or the salesperson pressured him into it. And he tells me that he was planning on proposing within the next year (either valentine's, our anniversary, or my birthday), so it wouldn't have been much longer to wait.
I know that it is frustrating to wait and wonder if he'll ever do it and when, but you just have to trust him. If you believe that he is sincerely wanting to marry you, then trust that he will pick a time to do it right.
...............................
A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (10 January 2012):
 I don't see what the big hurry is. JUST because others in your circle are getting married doesn't mean you HAVE to.
Maybe HE isn't ready. Are you sure you are ready?
Like I said, there is no big hurry in getting married IMHO.
...............................
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (10 January 2012): I've been with my lady six years, all our friends are engaged or married so the pressure is on... But i'm waiting until the opportune moment
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (10 January 2012): So if everyone around you was jumping in the lake, would you want that too? When you find someone you want to marry through undying love then yes. To marry to keep up with your friends and keeping up appearance is lunacy.
...............................
A
female
reader, chigirl  +, writes (10 January 2012):
 Do you want to marry him? Do you want to know if he wants to marry you? Then ask him. It is modern times, it's even a leap year if you are old-fashioned. In leap years the women are traditionally allowed to propose. Just ask him "Do you want to marry me?". If he says no then you know you need to move on. 3 years is enough time I should think to know whether or not you want to marry the person. If he says yes, then you are engaged, and can sit down and plan a date for the wedding.
It's not as difficult as you make it out to be! You want to get engaged? Then propose. Don't sit around and grow bitter while waiting for him to pull out the finger. If you want to marry this bloke then all you have to do is ask.
...............................
|
