A
female
age
41-50,
*ella555
writes:Has anyone ever gotten back together with their ex though the odds were significantly against the reunion?Have you ever made terrible, catastrophic, or fatal mistakes in a relationship and still managed to find your way back to each other?How about exes that have returned after you've lost them to someone else...can it happen? Does it?I've gotten back together with exes in some instances, but now I've got the most extreme case of my life on my hands. I have destroyed a relationship with great potential, sabotaged it, really. I'm trying to get past it, but there will always be that bit of hope in me that would like to hear your experiences. Reply to this Question
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reader, Bella555 +, writes (27 November 2010):
Bella555 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionHi Dornraben,
Thank you for your insightful and detailed reply, and for your sympathy and empathy as well. That type of kindness goes a long way these days, indeed.
Our situations do bear similar markings, as I probably behaved the way you may have with your ex. I lacked the confidence that I deserved his love, so I held on too tightly. I was wrong, and dazed by the intensity of the feelings I was experiencing, and I made some critical mistakes. I take full responsibility for what I've done, and it'd be ideal if that would make a difference in my situation, but I fear it will not.
I am sorry, also, for your pain, with which I can identify. The raw, swirling confusion and impenetrable darkness that go along with such a loss can be overwhelming at times.
One of my ex's proclamations when we first resumed contact was that there had been no one since me, a supposed fact he reinforced several times. Truth was, he was pursuing someone else all the while, something I've just learned. Our communication was painful for me, as it was uneven and spread out over weeks at a time, but he warmed up and the compliments began to flow. We ended up flirting, and I shot myself in the foot, when I should have played it cool and hoped for the best. There may never have been a "best," as it were, as I had no idea his affections were a thinly spread commodity.
You offer sound advice--I am attempting to let go, but you are right, that sliver of hope I fight with also may be my downfall. Thank you again and I hope you heal to the point of true happiness.
All the best. :)
A
reader, anonymous, writes (26 November 2010): Hi Bella.
My heart goes out to you, and I know how you feel about believing that you've driven away your soulmate.
The case I know of personally is a family member who got back with her first boyfriend after a break of several years (during which she married someone else). They've been together for ~9 years now, with kids. But they were each other's first true loves, and youung when they first met.
I don't mean to be harsh, but I can't see how your ex strung you along (based on what you've said). You admit that you weren't ready for a relationship when you were together. The decision to end things must have been very hard for him, which is why he may have needed those few months of no contact to heal.
When you did finally resume contact, it sounds as though you were desperately looking for signs of reconciliation, and perhaps read more into his words than were intended? Of course he will still have some feelings for you - intense love always leaves a mark behind. But it doesn't signify he wanted to reconcile.
I advise that you *do* move on at this point though. The last year must have been awful, living in a painful state of limbo. It's not healthy for you to lose any more of your life on this ... dream.
For what it's worth, I'm in a similar sitation, although it's only been 2 months since my soul-mate (and one true love!) broke up with me - partly due to my erratic/clingy behaviour when I realised she was drifting away. I think about her every day, will probably *never* fully get over her - nor forgive myself for losing her, and still carry a sliver of hope that she will return. But I *have* to ignore it...
... and so do you! Otherwise it will start to eat away at you (even more than it already has) and prevent you ever finding happiness eleswhere.
Good luck!
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A
female
reader, Bella555 +, writes (25 November 2010):
Bella555 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionDornraben,
I would love to hear of the couple you know that managed to reconnect, even in the vaguest manner, if that is not too much of a bother.
When it comes to my own misfortune, I have endured a long separation after an intense relationship, a relationship that I ruined by not keeping up my end of the dynamic. I foolishly lapsed into comfort and routine with him once marriage came up (he proposed, I accepted), instead of keeping the energy levels high. I crowded him without realizing it, as I was not ready for a relationship, though I believed I was. Once we split, at his behest, I begged, pleaded, and negotiated instead of accepting the situation, then pestered him about our status every time we talked afterward. He stopped talking to me for several months, and when we resumed contact, and worked painstakingly towards the smallest flirtation, he said a few things that provoked me emotionally and I spewed my feelings for him like a complete idiot. Then to make things worse, I drove to his city from mine (almost cross country), in an attempt to entice him back into a relationship with me. I have botched every chance I've received, because of my own lack of confidence and foresight. I looked to him for answers to my sadness over the faltering relationship instead of to myself, and the sad thing is, he still has feelings for me. I've lost him to another, as I discovered about two weeks ago. He has not told me that; I found out quite by accident.
I've felt strung along by his behavior, as he was pursuing this woman the whole time he had me on a back burner. Again, I was not aware of this pursuit, and it was none of my business at that time anyway. Definitely hurts to discover this information though. He's made plenty of mistakes, but he truly loved me once (supposedly still does), and I didn't trust myself, him, our feelings, or the situation. I blamed him for many things, things that were not his fault. I am the biggest imbecile walking, as I had my soul mate in my grasp, willingly and lovingly, and I drove him away.
Now I live in the realm of no contact, where I wonder if I will ever have my soul mate back, or if I'll have to force myself to find happiness with someone else, if that's possible. If I'd stopped to think before and while I was acting this past year, my life may have be heading in the direction for which I'd hoped now. Instead, I exist with rue and regret, and the incredulity that I could have been so stupid.
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reader, anonymous, writes (25 November 2010): Yes, there are occasions when couples who have got back together. I know of one case personally, and have read some on here!
You don't give any details about your breakup - or what you feel you did to destroy the relationship, but from the way you're saying it, it sounds quite recent, and you're in the early stage when you're blaming yourself 100% for the breakup.
Do you know for sure that you alone sabotaged your relationship? It normally takes two.
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