A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:Guys.... If you are once a cheater, will you always be a cheater? Reply to this Question
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (28 November 2010): no, not true. all depends on the person, im 18, already have a fiance and havnt even consideed cheating but with my mates some cheat once and never do it again because of guilt and learn and others just dont give a damn and keep doing it.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (26 November 2010): It's worse if they're older because that means they are too set in their ways to change.
A 18-19 year old might lead a wild life and then calm down in old age, be less likely to cheat in old age then because the temptation isn't as frequent. But if a person that age (38) then that's a whole lot worse because they're old enough and have been around long enough to know exactly what cheating means, how much it hurts and it means they will do it again any chance they get.
Look OP the term "once a cheater always a cheater" isn't 100% accurate, there are always exceptions technically. But the absolute safest way to think is that there are no exceptions, because if you accept a person cheating once then there's absolutely nothing to stop them doing it again. Plus there's nothing to stop anyone else cheating on you because they have that previous one as a get out of jail free card.
It's exceptionally easy not to cheat, it really is one of the easiest things in life NOT to do. We have to actually work hard to cheat, it's not something that just happens in the heat of the moment, it's never an accident. No one just bumps into another person randomly and immediately starts having sex. There are stages and events leading up to the event itself. There are a lot too and each stage a person can stop things but they choose not to.
For example a guy who cheats with a co worker, that kind of cheating can take months of close contact, flirting, a long slow build up and then a moment where the opportunity is there and they're alone. But at each stage that person can stop that. It's the same for a cheat that happens with a girl just met in the bar. You have to start talking to them first, maybe a bit of dancing, flirting, touching, going somewhere alone with them and then act itself. At each one of those stages a person can stop it.
In fact the easiest point of stopping it is after the initial conversation, it's very easy to make it clear you're not willing to do anything and the girl will stop pushing it. You have to be open to cheating to cheat and if a person is open to it once there's nothing to say they won't be open to it again. There's nothing to say they won't go through all those stages again without stopping it.
I personally never go beyond the talking stage and I never get flirty of sexually suggestive in my talking. My girlfriend goes as far as flirting vocally but never physically with other guys and that's that.
Really it takes effort to cheat, it's very easy not to cheat, so if a person goes to all those lengths to get themselves in that situation once then you can't trust them not to do it again.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (26 November 2010): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionDo you think it would matter on his age.... He was 38. If they were young like 18 or 19 then I might think he might change. But normally when there this age there ways are pretty set. I don't know...what do you all think? (Thanks for the help!)
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A
male
reader, TryingVERYhard +, writes (26 November 2010):
once a cheater, always a cheater??......Not always true....I know....thats me....when i was younger and in a serious relationship with a good woman, i cheated many times on her....many....now im 32 and just got out of a relationship where i never even FLIRTED with anybody else, simply because i didnt want to, not because i was constantly fighting these impulsive urges...for me it was all about being ready...In my previous relationship my partner was good, but very judemental and really didnt get who i was as a person...not 100% anyway...i wanted to be with other women because i wanted to be appreciated for who i was....i went through with it and actually cheated because i was young and didnt have the skills and experience to be able to deal with it like a responsible adult...
People cheat for different reasons. Some will always be liars and just dont care about others....Other people just arent mature enough to be able to deal with the variety of issues that come up within a relationship. You have to be able to determine what kind of person your partner is, then open a safe and responsible dialog/conversation, then go from there...
The concept of Kharma is interesting however. When i finally found the female who i could easily be with forever with no urges of any kind for another woman...she cheated on me...why? because she was young like i was once upon a time, and simply wasnt ready for an adult committed relationship....oh well........good luck
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reader, anonymous, writes (25 November 2010): You should always forgive a cheater...
once.
-Tante Victoire
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A
female
reader, LaLaBaby +, writes (25 November 2010):
Yes, if your bf/gf cheated then yea their always gonna be a cheater. I know hoe much you'd hate to hear it but people like that dont change, my sister dated a guy who cheated on her and now he's cheatin on her best friend, he wont ever change.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (25 November 2010): I'm female, but I personally have been a cheater in the past and maybe I can offer some advice. For some reason I always had a really hard time staying faithful to my boyfriend. Now, I have grown to the point where I know that I will absolutely never do it again in my life. It ruined my relationship and it ate away at me until I didn't feel worthy of trying to salvage those relationships. That being said, I know that not all people will ever come to realize that it is just not worth it. I would say that you need to look into your heart and see if your feelings for this guy are worth the potential heartache. If you're not looking to settle down right now, I'd say drop him and move on. But if you're at the point where you love him, can see a long future with him, and are willing to put in a serious effort to make it work then start by opening up the lines of communication. Ask him why it happened. Ask him if he regrets it. If he simply doesn't seem to care that's another problem. Then, you've probably done all you can and it's time to move on.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (25 November 2010): cheat rinse repeat
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A
female
reader, xanthic +, writes (25 November 2010):
 That's an odd statement to make, regardless of alcohol being involved. It's as if to say 'we'll always be together but I'm allowed to cheat on you.' I believe if someone's willing to betray the trust of their partner just to meet their own selfish wants and needs, that person will think nothing of doing it again. The reason behind it is irrelevant, everyone consciously knows it's wrong and is capable of resisting the temptation.
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reader, anonymous, writes (25 November 2010): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionWhat if when we were making out (we were tipsy from a night out) he mentioned we will always be together even if we are seeing other people right? (At the time I considered it babble from a night of drinking....but now...)
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reader, anonymous, writes (25 November 2010): 9 out of 10 times yes, I wouldn't even consider the reasons why. For me cheating is a deal breaker, once and that person is gone.
I will never accept a person that is supposed to love me, consciously and through their actions intentionally hurting me like that. They're gone if it happens.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (25 November 2010): Very good answer ImogenLD !
I agree and I am a guy who has cheated.
If I may add from my own experience I think what ImogenLD says
is very true, however I think there is one very important fact
that was missed. Why did he cheat ?
If you can talk with him and truly understand the real reason he cheated it can help you as well as him to understand what caused him to do it in the first place and if he loves you it can help him to avoid any temptations in the future, That is if he truly cares about you and loves you. This will be evident in a few ways one if he is Greef stricken with himself and shameful and remorsefull of what he did. And a "I'm sorry I won't do it again" doesn't cut it you have to evaluate his emotions to see if he really regret it or if he just regret that he got caught. If he did not get caught but fessed up himself and told you this is a good sign that he really just made a very bad mistake and is only human and perhaps really still does love you.
Also if he is honest about anything in the relationship that he was unhappy about that may have lead him to cheat this will help you both because sometimes we neglect the needs of our partner in a relationship and are unaware that it is driving them to look at others. A truly loving relationship is selfless it puts your partners needs first before any of your own wants or needs. If both people in the relationship have this mindset than there should never be any desire to wonder to someone else. Because you are getting everything you need from the person you love. However be careful about people who have unrealistic needs or expectations. You will never be able to satisfy them as hard as you try. And they are not the right person for you, you should just walk away from them if you know that is the case.
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reader, anonymous, writes (25 November 2010): Depends on the guy. If it was a one time moment of weakness and he genuinely regrets it, them maybe he would be faithful again. If, on the othe hand the guy is actively flirting with women and is intentionaly doing it behind your back then yes they are going to do it again.
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A
male
reader, CaringGuy  +, writes (25 November 2010):
Never been a cheater. But I knew a few guys who cheated. Of them, three cheated again, one didn't. So the chances are a guy will cheat again.
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A
female
reader, ImogenLD +, writes (25 November 2010):
Not always people say that once they cheat men can never be trusted, but the truth is aslong as a man gets away with cheating he will do it again and again. So for example if your husband has cheated on you and you say its fine don't worry we can sort it out for a few months he maybe loyal but sooner or later tempation will be there again and he will think I got away with it before I can get away with it again. However when your husband tells you he has cheated the first time you must in someway make him sorry for what he has done. You could move out (not for ever just a week or two, but don't tell him when you will be back) this will make him think what is like to loose you and should give him a shock. Whatever you do you must make him uderstand what he has done is wrong and you won't put up with it. If you do forgive him (which is fine aslong as he knows next time he won't be so lucky) then you can't keep checking up on him or going through his phone if you forgive you must also let go out the past or you will drive yourself insane. The other situation is that your new boyfriend has a reputaion for cheat and sleeping around. What you need to remember here is that rumors get exagerated and lies get told. Maybe your boyfriend was always let to get away with cheating. You need to make it very clear you will not put up with being treated like that and you will leave him if he does. If in time he does cheat on you then you have found out for yourself what he is like you haven't just gone on gossip and you can walk away from the relationship knowing atleast you tried.
Hope that helps
Imogen x
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