A
female
age
51-59,
bootydoctors
writes:Pinkee here~ Want to get more of the good stuff and less of the bad stuff in your relationship? You know, the fun, the sex, the love, the good stuff, as opposed to the fighting, the misery, the resentment, the sex starvation? You might be surprised to hear how simple it is. I said simple, not easy. It’s been said that what you focus your attention on grows. So why do we focus our attention on the things that drive us nuts about our partners? While that’s somewhat of a rhetorical question, I think the answer in part is because it’s what we’ve been trained to do since birth. Think about it. When you were in school, did you get your papers back from your teachers with the number of answers you got RIGHT? No, just the incorrect ones were pointed out. And that’s been pretty much how it’s gone, in general. If you want your partner to do more of the stuff you like, you need to focus on that stuff more. One of the simplest ways to do that is through appreciations. What is an appreciation? One definition of an appreciation is something that you are sensitively aware of. What can you appreciate about your partner right now? About her appearance? The way she does something? An aspect of her personality? Her character? What are you sensitively aware of that you can point out to her? Did you know that in order for a relationship to thrive, a human being needs five appreciations to every one criticism? My estimate is, we’ve been getting it backwards, more like five criticisms to every appreciation. What would happen if you reversed that? Well, probably, you’d get more of the stuff you like and less of the stuff you don’t. But don’t take my word for it. Do the experiment and see for yourself. Ask your partner if she is willing to do this with you for a week. See what happens. Most people think that if they want their partner to stop doing something, they should complain about it to them. Ah, but if focus attention makes something grow, that’s going to have the opposite effect, isn’t it? How about focusing on the thing you do want? Let’s say it’s the opposite scenario? Say you want your partner to START doing something, or to do something you like more. Appreciate the hell out of her the next time she does the thing you want or like. You know that expression about how you get more bees with honey than with piss and vinegar? Someone made it up for a reason!Let me give you a few examples. We haven’t been used to doing a lot of appreciating, so you may not even know how. You could say something like: I’m appreciating how soft your hair is. I really like the way you kiss me. I appreciate it when you call me during the day just to say hi. I’m appreciating the curve of your butt right now. I really appreciate that you made my favorite dinner tonight. If these things don’t sound natural to you, play around with the words until they sound like “you”. It may be that you just haven’t had enough practice. DO make sure that you are being sincere. DON'T just use appreciations to be manipulative or to get your five done for the day. That kind of defeats the purpose.In case you are without a partner right now, this technique works with other relationships, too. Roommates, bosses, friends, relatives, you name it. And it not only makes your relationships better, it also increases your joy. Try it. Give an appreciation right now, even if it’s just inside your own head, and notice that little burst of joy you get. It’s like an instant drug without the bad side effects.
View related questions:
roommate Reply to this Article
Share |
You can add your comments or thoughts to this article A
female
reader, engbreakfast  +, writes (6 March 2010):
this sounds like a really good idea - i wish that i've read this before i broke up with my boyfriend because i think it really would have changed things.
A
male
reader, $izZle  +, writes (2 March 2010):
 hehe .... hmmm! interesting stuff, that sounds amazing lets put this experiment into action and see what happens and hopefully ill be able to make a girl feel special enough that she would want to develop a relationship with me :P
...............................
|
