A
male
age
36-40,
*rOveranalysing
writes:Hello Dear Cupid people, this is for me a very serious situation, so I need your advice urgently. I have lived with my hetero room-mate (and colleague) for nearing on 8 months. He's partnered and has little kids, who he constantly gets depressed about because he misses them. He has family back in the UK and flies back and forth, and is generally of very good standing in the company and wholly respected. I was pleased to share with him because he's older and I can learn a lot about my job from him, and generally a very nice if sometimes docile person. I also happen to be gay and I came out to him, because he asked. My room-mate is a hard-drinker, I'd even go as far as to say an alcoholic, I never realised this until I lived with him. He parties regulary because he's depressed and misses his family and this is the only way to fill time (for him). This wasn't a problem until recently. Last week, at 6 in the morning, after a night of partying he charged into my bedroom while I was sleeping (and asked me if I "had just walked into his bedroom and stood there and then ran out") I told him emphatically "no", I would never do anything like that because it's a) creepy b) weird c) an invasion of privacy. He also had another friend crashing over in the living room. He continued to interrogate me in front of his friend, I'm 100% certain I didn't do anything wrong. But ever since its not been the same. It's very troubling because I don't think he even asked his friend, who in the past (in a non-gay way) shared a bed with him, and they spend a lot of time together. I feel helpless because I'm a very honest person, and unfounded allegations like this can destroys relationships but also reputations. I asked him if he saw the person come into his room, he said his head was turned but he could sense and hear someone. In my mind, his evidence is flimsy at best, and almost embarrassing that he would try and call someone out with such little proof. Especially jeapoardising a relationship with someone he lives with. I don't know what to do, I've protested my innocense, and even if he is now content with it, I feel like I don't feel entirely comfortable living with him anymore. Accusations like that are sinister and indicate a lack of trust, even though to my mind, I've been a very nice, laid back and understanding room mate over the last eight months. People do get their wires crossed, I certainly have in the past. What do I do? How do I respond to something like this? Mistakes and misunderstandings happen. But I know I've done nothing wrong and it's scary that he hasn't confronted his friend about it, even though by his own admission his friend (in a platonic way) constantly crosses hetero boundaries. What should I do? This is also my colleague and superior, so its particularly awkward.
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
male
reader, MrOveranalysing +, writes (4 September 2011):
MrOveranalysing is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks for your advice guys. I don't understand if I were in his shoes, I'd have been embarrassed by making allegations like that and apologise just out of decency. I guess if I read between the lines he is suggesting that I am trying it on with him in a sinister way. The sad thing is, 1. I'd never get involved with a colleague or housemate, EVER, red flag 2. He's completely not my type in any sense. It's all a bit dissapointing because sometimes I feel I cant confide in anyone else on the matter, and I think he's mistaken what was genuine admiration of a hard working person and wanting to learn, as attraction. And it's made him go down in my estimation, because he clearly isn't as perceptive as I thought he was, if he can get things so wrong. Having said that I made a similar mistake when I was 18 with a girl, and I felt like an idiot. This guy is 33 and should know better. He also tells me weird shit like I'm intense, the insinuation is clearly that I romantically like him, I respond "Maybe thats how you perceive me, or maybe I am intense with everyone". He also comes out with weird shit like calling me "Fake".Moving out is not an option for me, because I'm about to enter a busy period at work and it is my job who have put me in the accomodation (which is totally amazing). Moving out would be a total hassle and against my will. Also if I was to ask to move rooms to another appartment with work, it will cause a commotion and our colleagues will gossip as to why I've moved.Do you think the best thing is to keep things civil and not socialise with my housemate anymore. If we weren't living together I'd maybe not hang out with him so much. But I have to live with the guy. And for whatever reason he's got it in his head that I like him. I don't thing it would make my life much worse if I didnt hang out with him, because the way he's treated the whole situation (of his own creating), and disregarded any respect for me. Whats the clever and civil way to move forward without leaving my appt (which I lived in before he did).
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (4 September 2011): He sounds as if he might be going a little cranky when he drinks and goodness knows what is going on with him and his friend! If i were you, i would start looking for somewhere else to live before anything else happens while he is drunk.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (3 September 2011): I'd start looking for other accommodation quick smart, because it sounds as if you aren't ever going to feel comfortable sharing with him again. If you came out to him only recently, I would be concerned if under the influence of alcohol he seems to be treating you differently to his hetero friend/s. If you want/need to preserve a good working relationship with him, then you should find someone else to share with. If this is very difficult to arrange either because you are the 'main' tenant and he's sharing with you, or it's company provided accommodation, still look for a way to move out. In the meantime, lock your bedroom door at night so he can't ever come 'charging in' again - it doesn't sound as if he's a 'happy drunk', and that could be a concern!
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (3 September 2011): Sounds like his friend got up from sofa to look for the bathroom but wandered into his room,realised and left again...pretty common for drunk men...some use the wardrobe so he was lucky!The fact you have 'come out' is fuelling his doubts and you assume he is thinking you did it cos your gay.Think you need to address this when he's sober in a matter of fact way, tell him it wasn't you, you have no interest in him other than professionally and ask if its going to create a bad atmosphere or doubts.. you 2 sharing. If he can't cope with your sexuality then to keep the peace and your sanity, I would move out, or get him to.
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