A
male
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:I'm a 27 year old male teacher. I work in a Catholic school. I have been looking for love for quite some time. The problem is that I always end up with the wrong person. The people I choose are either straight, deep into the closet, or simply way below my standards. I have been frustrated for some quite time and suffered from a lot of depression. I know that I'm a good person. Nothing in the world hurts me more than injustice or seeing someone suffer. Lately, for 4 months now, I have started having a very close relationship with one of my 17 year old student. We're very good friends and I genuinely love him. He loves me too. I do not know whether he's gay or not. He seems to be. He is too sensitive and always physically intimate (I do not mean sex; maybe flirtation and sexual innuendos) The problem is that I am in love with him. He has ALL the things I ever wanted in a person. He makes me feel alive and gives me a reason to wake up for. I talk to him on a daily basis; we hang out together; and we share everything together. I do not know what to do. I know I will not tell him now; I can't. He's still my student and will graduate this year. I'm too lost, too hurt, and too confused. I want to know if he loves me the same way I do or he just considers me a friend who he fools around with. We kiss (not French), we hug, we are all over each other (not sex, but something like it) ... I don't know! How can I know how he loves me? When should I, if I ever should, tell him? Am I a pervert for loving someone younger? I'd appreciate any constructive advice.
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reader, anonymous, writes (26 February 2011): I am also 27, male, gay and work in a school. Thing is there are always students which you will get on well with and others that you don't. They ALWAYS push boundaries even the best behaved ones (often in a subtle way) and you have to be careful of this. I have one student I do get on really well with though one day he did somthing stupid infront of me and I repremanded him for it without hesitation. He was disappointed at first but we got on better afterwards because the boundaries were reinforced. If anything you should be like a bigger brother to these students and show them that there are boundaries in life for everyone. Seriously you are in a cycle which is harder to break the longer it goes on, you probably need to consider moving school before your professional career is ruined.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (1 February 2011): honestly if you really like this kid then so be it. but just like everybdy else said, wait till he graduates and when he's 18. there is nothing wrong with dating somone younger, it'll only give them more of a chance to grow up and be more responsible faster. but it's kinda teaching him that its okay to date a minor, which is not okay. but yeah i was in his situation, but i figured that when i was 17 i wouldn't be able to date someone older, especially when they're 10yrs older. so i just waited until after graduation and when i was the age of 18.
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A
male
reader, der_zyniker +, writes (28 September 2010):
Ok. You need to tell him that you two need to put things on hold until he graduates. You could lose your job. You have crossed a line here. This is not an appropriate relationship between a student and a teacher. Once he graduates then you can start seeing each other again.
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A
female
reader, celtic_tiger  +, writes (27 September 2010):
 From a fellow teachers point of view, you have already crossed the line of appropriate behaviour. NO teacher regardless of sexual preference should kiss, touch, hug ANYTHING with a pupil.
You have to remember you are 10 years older than this kid. He is a CHILD still. He isnt mature, he isnt grown up and is probably still very confused in himself as to his sexual preferences. Think how much you have changed and developed in the last 10 years? Quite a lot I bet!
Do yourself a favour and make this easier on yourself. Walk away from him now. This will only end in tears if you continue to pursue him.
You will either lose your job, your social standing or your self respect. If you were in the UK, you could also be liable for criminal proceedings IF your relationship has been in any way sexual (touching etc).
Back off. Leave him alone and find someone more suitble. This one is off limits.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (27 September 2010): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you all for answering. I do not know what I will do. I cannot and will not break my 'friendship' with him simply because this could harm him. However, I will try to play it down. I will minimize my time out with him, and I think this will bring the fondling to an end. Although I know he's gay, even if he doesn't know it, I will wait till he graduates. If he loves me, he'll let me know. I believe in that.
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reader, anonymous, writes (26 September 2010): Dear anonymous,
You're not a pervert for loving someone younger, no.. but you're a selfrighteous asshole for messing with a young boy's feelings and using your position of power and trust. He's ten years younger and this affair/"love"/whatever surely means something completely different for him than for you. You're a teacher and it's THE ONE MOST IMPORTANT rule that you NEVER start something with a student - for a lot of very good reasons, by the way. It's quite obvious that you're not sure whether he really loves you, and I'd say, if you really really loved him, then you knew to stay away from him. Of course he flirts and wants attention and everything, because he's in that age where you're so clueless about who you are and will try anything to get attention and to figure out who or what you are.
You use him to brighten up your day, and to fill in for the partner you should be looking for in the adult world. It's just a lame excuse to say that everyone else would be straight, into the closet or below your standards. Just as lame as saying you're a good person.. newsflash: "Good" people can do awfully bad things. And then they're not perceived as good anymore. It's not that you become immune to egoism or failure just because you're capable of empathy or have done some nice things in your past.
My constructive advice: End it. Now. And don't just drop him. Talk to him. Be honest about your feelings but also admit that you crossed a line that you should never ever have crossed.
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reader, anonymous, writes (26 September 2010): First off, stop fooling around with him. You CAN STILL LOSE YOUR JOB! A teacher caught even kissing a graduating students loses everything and is thrown into a lion's den. So back off until this boy graduates. Some will call you a pervert, but I don't believe you are. You want love and this boy seems to be the answer to your frustration. But, tread softly. Though you may not see it that way, infatuation can reaally mimic love. Let him come to you. If he comes looking for you after graduating, theres something there. But, you can always ask him how he sees you :) Be warned though, a relationship with someone younger has its trials...
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A
male
reader, Cupid Boy  +, writes (26 September 2010):
 It's not perverted to love someone much younger. But what you've done so far (kissing, fondling, hanging out outside of school) has already crossed the line between teacher and student. As a professional in a position of power, your job is to teach the students, not have intimate relationships with them. And being in a Catholic school, you're also expected to model Catholic values. On top of all that, he is still a minor.
Students will always flirt with teachers but you're the adult here. You ought to know right and wrong, what's appropriate and inappropriate, better than him. I sympathize with you though. It's hard to finally find someone who seems like your soulmate and then not act on it. But there aren't many options in this situation if you want to keep your job. Until he's no longer your student, you must make your relationship with him strictly professional. He's only 17 so there's no reason you need to move fast anyway. You both have time.
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A
female
reader, aunt honesty  +, writes (26 September 2010):
 Ok this is wrong simply because he is your student teachers should not have any closeness with there students and i really think you should'nt do this.
He is only 17 and he isnt even an adult yet he is still simply a teenager. if you really want to tell him wait until he has graduated and until he has turned 18. loving this boy doesnt make you a pervert but a lot of people will frown upon this as he is one of your students and if people find out you could lose your job. Whatever you decide goodluck
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