A
female
age
41-50,
*alynda19
writes:I told my husband that I do not like that he text other girls and flirts with them thru texting. He claims that he understands and that the flirting is wrong and will no longer do that. However he is not going to stop texting them and he deletes everything from them so I only have his word that it's just casual talk. Am I still wrong for asking him to have no contact with them? What about his counter offer of showing me all message, should I be ok with it if he talks to them and I see what they are talking about?
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (20 December 2010): I don't think you should have to read and approve all his texts, that sounds like you are his boss not his wife.
I see the problem is that he acknowledges that his behavior is upsetting you. Yet he still wants to go ahead and continue doing it. This is self centeredness. is it THAT important to him to be texting and flirting with other women? Maybe it is. Why? It could have nothing to do with you personally. Is he really insecure and can only feel good about himself if he gets lots of female attention? Or is it an issue of independence and autonomy like maybe he feels that he has the right to do this because you are not his mother or his boss and you should be trusting him more.
whatever the reason, I think this is the main issue which is that you state that his behavior really upsets you and he acknowledges it yet still wants to do it anyway.
At least he is willing to compromise!! but this again brings us back to the question of why is it so damn important that he text and flirt with these other women?
A
male
reader, idoneitagain  +, writes (14 December 2010):
Hmmm, there are two sides to this story and not enough information is given to know which side should be given greater importance.
One the one hand there is your side, which is that your husband is flirting with other girls. Depends how this comes to be happening. If he just happens to meet girls, get their numbers and ends up texting and flirting, I would consider that highly inappropriate and disrespectful, and it would affect my trust in the relationship if I was in your position. That kind of behaviour could be an indication of a betrayal to follow, potentially.
On the other hand, it could be different, these could be women he has an existing friendship or relationship of another kind with, such as a co-worker. Harmless flirting or sexual banter or innuendo might be part of the make up of the relationship (or culture if it relates to the workplace) and this would not necessarily be innapropriate. It might be, but it might not, you don't give us enough information in the question to really be able to tell the truth of it.
Interestingly, he has made the offer of being totally open about the contact he has with them, and showing you all of the texts, which seems to indicate that he doesn't beleive he is doing anything wrong and wants to be totally honest with you. However, the idea of you having to control all of his relationships by reading and approving all of his texts is not indicative of a relationship based on trust. This might be the underlying issue, that you don't trust him or that you don't view his behaviour as trustworthy.
I am curious to know why he feels the need to communicate with these women at all, are they friends of his? If so, you either need to be able to trust him with his female friends, or let him know that you don't trust him and work through your trust issues with him.
Good luck.
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A
female
reader, largentsgirl89 +, writes (14 December 2010):
 How did he meet these women and why is it so damn important that he talk to them?
To me, he is saying that they are more important to him than you are and he is disrespecting you by texting these girls in the first place. He is your husband and you are his WIFE. How do you know that what he is showing you is all that was said between you two? Would he be okay with you doing the same thing with guys through texting? If he is talking to them and deleting the messages then it's obvious to me that they are talking about things that they shouldn't be talking about.
I would tell him that the texting and flirting has to stop. Period. That's the end of it and there are no negotiations. If he says no, then you need to do something drastic to slap him back to reality. Divorce? Maybe just threaten him with a separation.
I don't understand why he needs to text them at all.
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A
female
reader, YouWish +, writes (14 December 2010):
 He is showing a lack of respect. He's covering himself by continuing the texts and then showing you only what you won't get mad over. That way, the names can still remain on the contact list and he can claim that he's showing you everything.
What business does he have texting other girls in the first place while he's married? The only people he should be texting are relatives or women co-workers he's involved in a current project with, and even then, it stays on business.
Geeze. The "counteroffer" would make me angrier than the initial flirting.
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A
male
reader, Kilcardy +, writes (14 December 2010):
Red flag on the field! Why is he texting other women?? That's just a problem in the making. No, you are not wrong. In my opinion this idea of male/female platonic relationships is mostly used as a cover for people who have the hots for their 'friend". So...trouble is brewing.
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A
male
reader, TimmD +, writes (14 December 2010):
 What is being said in those texts isn't as important as the fact that he acknowledges the fact that the texts bother you yet he's still unwilling to stop them. He's essentially saying THEY are more important than you are. To me that seems like a complete slap in the face to you.
As for his counter offer, he needs to understand that is not the point. You don't like him flirting with other women, period. He's saying he will continue flirting with them but now he'll let you read it, right?
What are the circumstances between him and these women? Are they friends? Co-workers?
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