| A
male
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes: Hello everyone, I've been dating this girl for almost a year and ever since we met, we've been hooked to each other. We are truly in love and would die if anything happened to one of us. In the past, I've had many issues with coping with her past, past relationships, sexual partners etc., but I've become better at coping with it. However, we started talking about our future together and getting married and so fourth and I was reminded that she had been engaged before when we were talking about what she would like as an engagement ring. She said she still really liked the one that her ex-fiance got her because she picked it out with him. My heart instantly fell into my stomach. Now I'm back to feeling like I'm nothing new or special, which is how I felt earlier in the relationship, not that she made me feel this way on purpose. I feel like what's the point of finding her a ring if she's already done this ordeal before, it just doesn't feel as special to me. I don't know, is this stupid? It probably shouldn't matter, yet I still feel awful. Any advice?
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engaged, her ex, her past Reply to this Question
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, tennisstar88  +, writes (18 September 2010):
 To add to my post if you log onto the net and go to jewelry websites she can build her own ring, play around with and get some ideas. I also think that if you get a ring that looks exactly like her old one then that's bad luck.
A
male
reader, Jmtmj  +, writes (17 September 2010):
 ... I may have misread this... Are you saying that she wants you to buy her the EXACT same ring that her ex got her...?
Because that would change everything.
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A
female
reader, tennisstar88 +, writes (17 September 2010):
Personally, I've been engaged once before and I helped my fiance pick out the ring as well but eventually we broke off the engagement because he wasn't who I thought he was. Well, before my husband there was another guy that was going to propose to me, we went ring shopping together and I looked at rings completely opposite of my previous ring. I didn't want to have an almost identical ring because it remind me of my past with him and I was finished with that chapter of my life. Plus, my old ring was a little too popular...Anyway that fell through and when my husband proposed he gave me his mother's ring who died when he was 5 from breast cancer..Needless to say I have one special ring, that no jeweler bought ring can compare to.
I suggest getting her to look at the various cuts online, I liked the emerald, square, and heart and different metals. The most popular ones are white gold and platinum which is a little more costly. Just get her creative juices flowing, and put some more choices in front of her, make sure you stay within your budget though!
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (17 September 2010): And you can bet your last red cent that she'll ask yet another similar ring from his next boyfriend.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (17 September 2010): Id be fairly upset and feel not special and would think she'd still have her ex on her mind and im def the jealous type. Talk to her appropriately and communicate your feelings. Two key things needed to work out an issue such as this.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (17 September 2010): My dear,talk to your girl by asking her whether she still have any feelings for her ex b/f, if no then propose to her by giving a ring very similar to the one her ex gave her.But as a guy you must sit her down,have heart to heart talk with her.Tell her how much you love her etc. Tell her what she likes to hear.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (17 September 2010): I don't think your over-reacting at all; hell, I'd be worried/somewhat pissed as well.
I understand what other posters are getting at when they're essentially telling you "who cares? you both love each other, right?"....But, my concern is...what is she clinging on to?
She says she picked the ring out...but it was with her ex-fiance, not you. Every time she looks at the ring, I doubt she'll be thinking of you as you weren't there when she picked out. If she loves you, why cling to the past? That's why this seems strange to me.
If I were you, I'd talk to her and tell her your concerns and how it makes you uneasy (without seeming like an insecure nut...which women tend to label guys who care about their relationship). Just try to come off as calm and easygoing when discussing.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (17 September 2010): Emotions don't obey our commands and they are not subject to "should" and "shouldn't" judgments. They are there. No point in denying them.
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A
male
reader, Jmtmj +, writes (17 September 2010):
How is it pointless or less special if you're truly in love and would die if something happened to her?
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (17 September 2010): So what if she really liked the ring her ex bought her? Of course she liked it -- it was her choice! She picked what she considered to be beautiful. So ask her some questions about it. What specifically did she like about it?
Then, go out and buy her a ring with similar qualities (i.e. same stone cut/shape, same band color/material) without giving her the choice of picking it out. This way, you know she'll like the way the ring looks without it being her "second time" going ring shopping. No one's surprised her with a ring before, right? You'll be the first!
Have something special engraved inside for her so it's unlike any other ring. Then, surprise her by creatively proposing in a way she'll never forget.
The way I see it, there's a first time for everything. And although she's been engaged before, started wedding planning before, etc., you'll be the first one with whom she sees it through. You're going to be the one she marries.
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