A
male
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:Thanks in advance for any replies.Basically my girlfriend rarely achieves orgasm when we are together. We've tried the obvious things from me going down on her for a long time, to putting a pillow under her hips for when I am on top.When she masturbates she uses a technique of crossing her legs and squeezing her thighs. She showed me it a few times when she first told me of it, but since refuses to perform it in front of me.In my mind she is separating me from her masturbation, meaning sex is only a tool to make me happy, and for her its masturbation.My worry is that she is only having sex with me to please me, and whether I offer her any sexual satisfaction. I am in my early 20s, and without wanting to seem a douche, I do not want to spend my life with a woman that I cannot pleasure. You may call me selfish, but myself and her are young enough to start afresh. Yes I openly admit that it is not the biggest worry to have in the world, but I am hiding it from her and it is starting to affect me in our relationship to the point where I do not want to have sex with her and am loving her less and less.
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reader, anonymous, writes (16 August 2013): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you for all replies and I know that this was a while ago. Its become too much of an issue for me. I have no self esteem or any sense of self worth. This anxiety cannot be healthy and I need a fresh start, or at least some time being single
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (15 June 2013): The first one always takes the longest. Be patient. Look at her with desire in your eyes & tell her you aren't going to stop until she comes. She is afraid she will scream or that her response may not be normal or acceptable. So you get to the clitoris & treat it like a little dick, sucking it & moving until she starts to respond. As she responds you know you found it & don't let off. She is afraid you will quit too soon, as others probably have. She will have one, but don't stop there, she may need a rest, but we are multi orgasmic & once she comes once, tell her "I'm not done with you yet, baby". I know everyone is different, but this is how I got passed it with my ex. Now I have many orgasms that way & each one is more intense. You need to patiently get past her fears & be sure she knows how much pleasure you get by her responses. Tell her how much she turns you on when she moans, & tell her to just let it all out. She needs to know it's okay & that it really excites you. Don't give up. The first one is always the most difficult to achieve.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (15 June 2013): Im a 24 year old woman and i will tell you what works for me.
If i come on top and lean forward so as i ride, my clitoris is stimulated too, i get my boyfriend to touch or sucks my nipples.
Its the combination of having my clitoris, both my nipples and vagina, through intercourse, all stimulated at the same time that makes me climax so quickly.
It might not work for your girlfriend. But give it a try! ;)
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A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused  +, writes (13 June 2013):
 OP I get your feelings to some extent.
I personally don't have a problem if my husband is with me while I do it, but HE will NOT touch himself in front of me no matter what... to HIM it's a personal thing he does not with to share and while I would LOVE to share that with him I have to RESPECT his desire to keep it private.
Again for many women sex is NOT about the orgasm. And those of us who do not orgasm from sexual content are very easily able to separate the orgasm from the enjoyment and experience of being intimate with someone we love.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (13 June 2013):
 The reason the "crossing her legs" method works so well is because she gets off from clitoral stimuli. So... maybe get a little buzz-buzz finger vibrator or cockring with a buzz and try that out.
You said you can get her off with oral? Isn't that "sharing" her orgasm? Do you jerk off in front of her if you just want a quick yank/wank?
And I think you are missing the bigger picture. WOMEN do NOT have to get an orgasm 100% of the time to enjoy sex. For many women the intimacy is was makes the sex great, not race for an elusive orgasm.
If you love her less because of this, then you need to let her go. THAT is YOUR problem not hers, from what you write she isn't doing ANYTHING to make you feel less of a man or whatever it is that makes you think she has to perform for you or orgasm every time.
MANY MANY women can climax in 30 seconds flat by themselves but (speaking from experience) that still doesn't compare to GOOD sex (even the kind without an orgasm).
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reader, anonymous, writes (13 June 2013): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionSo I am supposed to just accept that I am never really going to 'share' in the experience of her having an orgasm?
She rarely achieves orgasm through a method different to crossing her legs.
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A
female
reader, YouWish +, writes (12 June 2013):
 Stop asking to see her do it! That's her private time and she doesn't do it for your benefit. Her sexuality isn't yours, so it bothers me that you love her less because she doesn't want you to watch her? She's not a paid porn star!
If she says no, don't take it personally. She has the right to do so. In fact, her mystery should enhance your feelings for her, not cause you to have a tantrum and "love her less".
Yeesh.
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reader, anonymous, writes (12 June 2013): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI don't want to seem confrontational, and maybe I wasnt clear enough before. I do give her orgasms. I know that a lot of women dont achieve orgasm from penetrative sex, and I know my girlfriend masturbates with by crossing and squeezing her legs.
The thing that bothers me is that she doesnt want me to be there when she masturbates in this way. I've asked her about twice a month for the last six months too see her do it, to be there. Each time she says no, I drop it immediately.
You guys seemed to agree with YouWish so I'll try to quickly respond.
1,2, 3 and 4: We always have lots of foreplay, I give her oral mostly on/around the clit and use my fingers in vagina.
Regards to edging I do often stop if close and give her oral.
I've never made it an issue for her. As far as she is aware, I dont have any 'problem'.
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female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (12 June 2013):
I am 53. I have had multiple partners over many many years
If the only reason I had sex was to please my partner or have an orgasm I'd never have sex.
I have had exactly ONE orgasm ONCE from penetration and I did not know it was going to happen it just happened all at once and it was not as enjoyable as the ones I would get from my last husband orally. He was the ONLY person to ever consistently be able to bring me to orgasm orally.
I love making love with my current husband even though I know there will be no orgasm for me. IT does not make the experience any less enjoyable for me.
If you think the only way women can be satisfied sexually is through an orgasm, you don't get women at all. For many women the enjoyment is about pleasing your partner and being close and intimate with the person you love. Orgasms for many women are elusive and therefore become very secondary to the actual act.
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A
female
reader, eyeswideopen +, writes (11 June 2013):
 Hey YouWish, "hysterical paroxysm" is going in the DC Manual right after the butt plugs and before the spit roast.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (11 June 2013):
I have to say, READ YOUWISH's post dear OP til you get it.
There is NOTHING WRONG with your GF, she sound rather normal actually.
Your penis is NOT a magic wand (yeah, I'm sorry to break that to you...) You NEED to learn how to please a women with more then JUST your penis. And you NEED to learn what makes your partner tick and what doesn't. OR.. you will forever be a lousy lay. Can't blame girl.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (11 June 2013): Dude if the fact that SHE is unable to achieve orgasm is making YOU love her less, then it's not real love. Why are you making this about you? She is the one who can't orgasm so it's her problem, and if she is fine with the way things are then there is no issue here. OP 90% of women are unable to orgasm through sex alone, and many don't through other types of stimulation either. It often takes a very long time doing the exact type of stimulation she likes to make a woman orgasm, and that's if we do it ourselves! She can still enjoy sex with you without orgasming, but she won't continue to do so if you keep putting pressure on her and taking this personally. I agree that trying toys might be a good idea, but if that doesn't work then it's something you are going to have to accept. And leaving her to find someone else probably wouldn't make a difference either, because most other women will be the exact same as her. Welcome to real life sex OP.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (11 June 2013): Do you know how many women are out there who can have orgasms just by being penetrated? The answer is less than 10%. You are obviously a bit inexperienced in this field.
There is nothing wrong with your girlfriend, and there is nothing wrong with a woman trying to please her man. In fact, she receives pleasure by giving pleasure. The worst thing you can do is rejecting her when she wants to satisfy you.
Apparently your girlfriend can take care of herself and her sexual satisfaction needs. Just show her that you support her and you are happy for the satisfaction you receive from her. Buying her a few toys can be a very good idea.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (11 June 2013): Been with my BF for over 3 years and he has never made me cum!! I have to masturbate to achieve an orgasm. But I still love having sex and oral as much as everyone else.
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A
female
reader, largentsgirl89 +, writes (11 June 2013):
 Have you considered using a vibrator on her while you are penetrating her? Most women can't orgams from intercourse alone and need clitoral stimulation to achieve orgasm.
I don't believe that she has sex with you just to please you, I find sex with my bf very pleasurable, even if I don't orgasm. I enjoy being close with him and being able to share that intimate act with him because I love him.
She knows her own body very well and she has been self pleasure for a long time as well, I think you two need to try new things, explore a little bit and find out what works for you as a couple instead of individuals. It might take some time, but it'll be worth it and you'll have fun on the way.
Don't put so much pressure on yourself. Don't skimp on the foreplay either. Good luck ot you man, I hope it works out for you.
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A
female
reader, YouWish +, writes (11 June 2013):
WHAT?! She hasn't had an orgasm from you, so instead of becoming more innovative, considering it more of a great challenge, and talking with her into having sex become an amazing adventure where you would never think to call sexual prowess "Obvious", you blame it on her and love her less and less?
Let me guess -- you think making love to a woman should be as easy as using a microwave, right? Press the buttons and out comes orgasm?
You've *really* gotta change your perspective on things, or you're going to be a crappy lover all around! And yeah, you *do* sound like a douche for listing "put a pillow under her hips" as a technique! Same with getting mad because she doesn't want you to watch her. There is a difference between wanting to give her pleasure and wanting to own her sexuality thinking that you're entitled for her to put on a display of her private sexuality for her.
However, let me give you some advice!
1. Your penis isn't your primary pleasure giver to the majority of women out there. A majority of women cannot achieve orgasm through intercourse, and those of us who can either have very sensitive G-spots, or we have done Kegels and have strong PC muscles!
2. You do know that her CLITORIS, not her vagina, is the source of pleasure, right? If you're doing oral on her (and I applaud you for doing so!), sticking your tongue in her vagina like you would your penis is NOT the way to do it! Running your tongue along her clitoris, or her "satin nub", is the start!
3. Let me guess, you haven't picked up a single sex toy in your life, right? Vibrators! Shower jets! Hitachi Magic Wands! Many women who cannot have an orgasm normally find themselves having MULTIPLES using toys. Talk to her about using those in mutual sex play! Don't even try to consider that if you use a tool, you're not giving her an orgasm!
4. Ever hear the term "edging"? Guys make the mistake in intercourse of trying to speed it along faster than you can say "solo jack off session!". Women take longer, so instead of making the goal her orgasm, make the goal slowly and methodically bringing her to the brink of sexual tension! Imagine your fingers slowly rubbing her clitoral area until it's swollen and aroused, and then....NOT speeding it up! Drink in every moan, every sigh, every languid stretch. Enjoy the process as much as the orgasm, and it'll happen. It goes without saying that fingering ISN'T just shoving a finger in and out like you would a penis.
5. For God sake, I hope you're not learning technique from watching porn, because those women are FAKING it to put on a show for YOUR arousal! The man who ever uses porn as an instruction tool is a fool of a lover.
6. Way back in the 19th century ending some time in the 1920's in western Europe, men didn't get women's sexuality. There was a medical condition called "female hysterics". Doctors would actually prescribe some time with a specialist to do what was called "pelvic massage" which really meant stimulation of the genitals with either a doctor's hands, a "stimulation implement" or hydrotherapy. This went on until the woman had what at the time was called "hysterical paroxysm". Heh, what she was really having was ORGASM after ORGASM after ORGASM. Amazingly, that helped the patient's sense of well-being and happiness. Of course, that ceased to be a medical classification the more men and women became enlightened as to exactly what was going on. All these women, never having orgasm with their ignorant husbands, suddenly in the throes of such intense pleasure unlike they'd ever known.
So stop focusing on what she does solo and start getting adventurous and creative! Instead of breaking out the stupid pornos, break out The Joy of Sex (book), and many many more official techniques that can be learned online and in bookstores! The old thigh together squeeze is really her putting pressure and friction on her clitoris and flexing her PC muscle! Get an anatomy book and study the clitoris and the nerve endings!
Finally, don't say something stupid like "I think I found some things that'll help you with YOUR issue!". Just say "Wanna try some really fun new things? I've been doing some studying and am eager to try out new pleasure techniques if you'll let me!". Or kiss her and DON't just go rounding the bases fast! Linger on her lips with your hands running softly along her neck!
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (11 June 2013): It is clear that you are not pleasing her. Maybe you're just not compatible.Also if she feels anxiety about or during sex it for sure kills her libido. You need to not give her any reason to feel any anxiety whatsoever. But maybe you already have. The part about loving her less because she doesn't "perform " or respond the way you want, suggests that she feels a definite change in your demeanor tied to her "performance ". That for sure is going to ruin thongs between you of it hasn't already.A guy trying to make her orgasm and insisting she should orgasm, is doing it more for himself and not really caring about her and she knows that. I have been in relationships with guys like that and it was no fun because the guy was basically putting me under pressure to respond "the correct way" according to him to whatever he was doing. It is no fun for the woman knowing her partner is thinking "come on dammit why wont you come already". In other relationships where the guy would let me determine if I wanted to continue or not and let ME be the judge of whether I am satisfied or not (rather than telling me that unless i orgasm it isn't good enough) I was more relaxed and enjoyed it more and as a result was less inhibited and could achieve orgasm more often.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (11 June 2013): Wow if I were her, given how you must have her "do sex" according to your way and she "must" enjoy what you decide she should, I would feel extremely pressured about sex with you and that would lead it to be an unpleasant experience (not sex in general and not masturbation, just sex with you). And when someone expereinces sex with you to be unpleasant, you can bet they are going to dislike it more and more and yes, only do it to please you.
If you're unable to meet her where she is at sexually, and instead must have her conform to your idea of sex (and that includes you going down on her for hours because YOU need her to climax for your sake) then this relationship isn't going to work and is headed south already.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (11 June 2013): I will agree with the previous responder and say take the focus away from the orgasm. Focus on what gives her pleasure and help her to relax before sex. By chasing after the big O you are actually stopping it from happening, because in her mind she's probably feeling she HAS to have one for you to stop making her inadequate. I don't know about you OP but doesn't that sound like it will give her a performance anxiety?You need to learn about female sexuality. Do a google search about making a woman orgasm. Your obsession with orgasms tells me that you don't understand that women's orgasms are not as easy to arrive at as men's. You might stop loving your current girlfriend - but what you don't realise is that she's in the majority of women and your next 3 girlfriends might have the same issue.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (11 June 2013): I don't agree that girls don't have to orgazm sometimes. We are no different from men in this area, we need to have orgazm every time as they do, otherwise it leaves us restless.
Your girlfriend has a patern of pleasuring herself for a long time now, and she is used to it. She doesn't climax with you only because she can't relax enough. Only wheni woman is relaxed completely she can climax. When she does it herself there is no pressure, there is no timing, she can do it as long as she wants.
I am older than you guys, and had plenty of men in my life.Out of everyone only 3 made me orgazm, and only through oral. And only because they were patient enough. Others did seemingly the same but for a very short time. I had a feeling that they can't wait to be done with it as soon as possible. I could never relax with them.
Though wwe do enjoy intercourse, we also need to have orgazm, just be patient, and may be talk to her. She needs to break this patern of pleasuring herself at all times.
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female
reader, Got Issues +, writes (11 June 2013):
 Girls don't have to come every time, you know. It's good to do so, but sex is pretty nice even without the climax. If this is making you love her less instead of wanting to try to work things out then maybe it's time for you to go your separate ways. Maybe she feels under pressure from you and it makes it harder for her to reach orgasm. This would also explain why she no longer wants to "perform" in front of you. You may be making her feel like there is something wrong with her. A few times with my ex, I found it hard to come and I could sense his annoyance and impatience with me, which made me feel awful and made it impossible to come. Once, after trying for a while, he stopped and told me I should just finish myself off. It was humiliating and hurtful. It's also her responsibility to tell you and show you how she likes to be touched so that you can satisfy her. She needs to meet you halfway and you need to be sensitive and patient with her. If you are both interested in making this relationship work, then you have to talk about the issues you are having, in a non-confrontational, non-accusatory way. Tell her you'd like to make things more pleasurable for her and ask her if there is anything you can do to make that happen. Don't make her feel like she HAS to come because then all the focus will be on that.
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