A
male
age
41-50,
*ickcarter
writes:ok, well my girlfriend has told me she is pregnant. We were careful, but the test says 3 plus so i think ( after reading up she maybe 5 weeks pregnant)... i don't want children but she has made up her mind to keep it with or without me, so i have no say in the matter. She said it's a joint decision and i spoke even about adoption but she said no way in hell. She is only 19. We haven't told anyone and won't for at least the 3 month period is up.I currently rent a room in a house share but a month ago i was told it was being sold so i needed to find somewhere to live. Rather than rent another room and waste money, my mum had an idea.I will be moving into a house my mum purchased - i couldn't get a mortgage as i'm only 26 so my mum got it, and i will pay the mortgage and get a housemate to split the payments with.Obviously i can't have Bella and a baby come and live with me as i won't be able to get a housemate if there is a baby in the house so Bella has said when the baby is born she will just live at home until things change or she can get her own place. So obviously we won't be living together. This is just all so crazy but is that a weird situation or can it work? Just she will have to deal with the feeding and the crying at night etc and it kinda feels like i don't take any responsibility if you know what i mean.thanks for reading
View related questions:
money, period, want children Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
male
reader, Danielepew  +, writes (5 July 2012):
 I agree that, as a father of the baby, you have a responsibility towards him. You may not want the girl but the baby isn't optional.
I think this situation can be worked out, but you have to make it work out.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (5 July 2012): umm can i just say kc100.. it takes two to make a baby nd babys dont ask to be made.
to the op. i think you need to get your family involved in this situation as it seems that your not mature enough to deal with this. your mum has purchased a house for you and yet you didnt think to mention that you have a baby on the way and wont be able to live ther with your girlfriend, why?! i think you should re evaluate the whole thing and work out a way to be there to support your baby and girlfriend
...............................
A
female
reader, k_c100 +, writes (4 July 2012):
 Well she has forced you into this decision when you have made it clear you dont want the baby, so in essence she has chosen to be a single mum. So in my opinion, you shouldnt feel bad at all because it is her choice. Yes you had sex with her, so unless you were wearing a condom and did everything you could to not get pregnant then you are partly to blame for the pregnancy - but you have not had a choice in keeping the child so she has to face up to life as a single mum.
I very much doubt at 19 she is going to be able to get a job whilst pregnant so she isnt going to be able to afford to move in with you - and chance are she will never get a job now because she will have a child, and it makes life very difficult when going to prospective employers as a mother. The best she will probably be able to do is get a part time job somewhere on a low wage - so you are going to have to face up to the reality that you need to fast track your career and get earning some decent money, if you want to stay with this girl you are always going to be the main earner in this relationship because of her getting pregnant so young.
At 26 of course you can get a mortgage, my friends are 25 and lots of them have had mortgages from a young age. I presume you mean that you dont earn enough or dont have a big enough deposit to get a mortgage? As I said before, you are just going to have to work damn hard to earn enough money to support the three of you. You will be soley responsible for the finances, so if you want to live with her you better find a way of making money, fast. If your current job is going nowhere, apply for a new one. Push for a promotion, get some more qualifications etc.
If I'm being honest with you I dont see this relationship lasting much past the child's first birthday, not many relationships can survive such a huge problem at a young age. At the end of the day you are having your life changed against your will, and you will always resent her for that. As much as you will love your child, you will never be able to feel the same for her again because of her forcing you into being a parent. I actually think it is a good thing that you are not moving in together yet, it will take some of the pressure off you and give you chance to get some money sorted and work hard without the interuption of a child.
I have a close friend who had a similar situation to you, but he was living with his girlfriend and the baby, whilst stressing about money (she didnt have a job) and trying to improve his own career. He ended up with no sleep for pretty much a year, as he was working all hours and then helping with the baby just to try and keep them afloat. It made everything so much worse, he was so stressed with a responsiblity he had forced upon him (his girlfriend claimed the pill failed but he found the pills in the bin so she had deliberately not taken them).
Maybe the space between you will be a good thing while you get used to being a father, she is not much more than a baby herself so it is a good thing she will have her parents around her too. Let reality sink in, figure out how to progress your career, save some money and think about moving in together later. If the relationship makes it that is.
I hope this helps and good luck!
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (4 July 2012): Why can't she be the housemate you split the costs with? And just because you have a baby in the house doesn't mean you won't find a housemate although it would be far safer to have that housemate be a friend you know and trust.
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (4 July 2012): Firstly as you being the father of that child, it is your responsibility to provide for that child as well as the mother, it that means you working 3 jobs to provide for them so be it! You're making excuses "oh I have a roomate and they won't want a baby around" ok that's your baby. You should not put the whole responsibility on your girlfriend as she will already be going through it alone. It's not easy being pregnant but its even worse when your partner is being selfish. It can work! But you have to make it work.
...............................
|
