A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:i have a male friend, we've known each other since we were 7 or 8, and when we were around 15 we dated briefly for about a week, before he decided we should just be friends.ever since then we've both seen other people, but as soon as we were single again we would end up kissing each other and i'd suggest seeing each other etc and he's say he liked me but didnt want a relationship. i have liked him since we were 15 and it hasnt changed over the years despite me being with someone, but i came to the conclusion that we were never going to be together. until this year. we hadnt seen eachother in almost a year but then met on my birthday and after a few drinks he told me he still liked me, and wanted to know if i'd be up for being friends with benefits, and stupidly i said yes.2 weeks later, after much flirting and compliments from him, on christmas eve we finally slept together for the first time, and then a couple of more times between christmas and new year.when we were together he would be very sweet and kind, and would look at me in a way that every girl wishes a guy would look at her.we agreed to meet up again in a few weeks when i was next in town, but when i text him to double check things, he replied saying we should go back to being just friends as he was seeing someone and didnt want to risk it by cheating on her.while i appreciated him telling me, and admire him for being honest and not cheating, i feel used.i know friends with benefits are all about using each other for just sex, and i didnt flatter myself into thinking he would only be seeing me.but now im left wondering whether he meant it when he said he still liked me, and thats what made him want friends with benefits, or whether he knew because i liked him so much, i'd be up for it, and it was just convenient?despite all this i still like him, and we've been friends for so long i dont want to cut him out of my life in order to move on as so many people say to do, but i dont want to feel like this any more. im tired of being the girl he can have but doesnt actually want. so how can i stop feeling this way?
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female
reader, Ciar  +, writes (12 January 2012):
 Friends with benefits are not about using each other. It involves people who are friends and do all the things that friends do (keep in touch, go out for coffee, go to movies, provide moral support etc) who also occasionally have sex. The friendship is primary and remains intact whether coitus occurs or not.
In your case coitus is primary and without it there is no friendship. This is purely a sexual arrangement. The fact that he would, on your first outing after a year of no contact, aproach you about such an arrangement tells you exactly what you mean to him.
If you think he is going to keep in touch with you and introduce you as a friend to his new girlfriend you're very sadly mitaken. He has already cut you out of his life so there is nothing for you to hang on to.
Grieve, learn and move on.
A
female
reader, uroboros +, writes (12 January 2012):
yea he used you, not necessary did he mean to hurt you, but he doesn't want you to be anything more.
don't cut him off (although i would if i were you), bit keep away from his pants :)
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (12 January 2012): "..he replied saying we should go back to being just friends as he was seeing someone and didnt want to risk it by cheating on her"Do you know the movie "He's not just that into you?"Telling you something like this says it all. No, he doesn't want you as his girlfriend, not now, not later. Yes, he may have said he still liked you in a moment of nostalgia and hornyness. No, that doesn't make this worth wasting your time. You're too emotionally involved in this. Let go and look for better.I too have wasted some time on a guy who wanted to be "exclusive friends with benefits" with me, which meant I should deal with his emotional disability to be nice outside of bed AND not have any fun with someone else. Well, I was stupid enough to think it "meant something" that he'd have been jealous if I had slept with someone else.. Remember: If a guy likes you, he WILL let you know.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie  +, writes (12 January 2012):
 Ditch him, he plays with your emotions and use you. FWB is for people who can keep "emotions" out of the sex and who doesn't WANT a relationship with the FWB.
Drop him like it's hot.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (12 January 2012): If you have been friends for many years, then he must like you. So there is little chance he just `pretended` to like you, so he could have sex. A FWB deal is just that. A deal. The agreement is basically sex with no strings attached. Thats what you agreed to and thats what you had. Just because he was extra nice to you beforehand, doesnt make him a bad person or mean you were used. He was probably just applying a little charm because you had agreed to sleep with him and he was pleased. Theres nothing sinister about that, infact it is quite understandable. Im sure quite a few men would temporarily come across as charming if you were happy to sleep with them without expecting more.
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A
male
reader, N91 +, writes (12 January 2012):
 Seems like he doesn't feel any chemistry between you guys to make it more than a friendship. Looks like you were a stop gap until he could find someone worth dating.
Don't fall into that trap again or you will just end up getting hurt time after time!
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A
female
reader, thinkb4  +, writes (12 January 2012):
You wont be able to stop feeling that way unless you break it off altogether and mend over time. You could refuse him sex, but you may have to accept losing him. You value him far more than he does you. The only way of getting out of this situation is to do what you don`t really want, that being ending it with him.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (12 January 2012): Don't be downcast. He likes you and fancies you but for some reason be doesn't want anything more. More fool him. Anyway, back off with the 'friends with benefits' thing all together. Once he is free again and looking you up, please just say you are happy being friends but no more than that. Fair enough. There is nothing wrong with saying 'actually I can't handle a FWB situation'. I think you should accept nothing is going to happen with him and occasionally sleeping with him is not going to change that and will only mess your head up. Find yourself someone else.
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